2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
To respect every person as oneself, and to act with him as we wish to be treated with us, there is nothing higher than this.
Confucius (Kun-tzu)
In my practice, I quite often use the book therapy method. One example was given in my article "The Histrionic Woman: Like Treats Like". Another of my findings, often used in working with requests for problems in relationships, is a short story by V. V. Veresaeva "You ruined my life, damn woman!"
Respect itself is one of the most important conditions for the successful formation of emotional intimacy, which I wrote about in my articles on this topic.
Mutual respect in a couple is the soil from which a trusting, supportive, and intimate relationship emerges. Only from the point of respect is it possible to build direct and open communication, which presupposes the ability not just to listen, but to hear the Other.
It has always been a secret for me: how people can respect themselves, humiliating people like themselves. Mahatma Gandhi
The etymology of the word respect comes from Polish (“to think, observe”), Ukrainian vaga, respect (“take into account, consider”), Belarusian respect (“observe”). The semantic meaning of this word is a respectful attitude towards the subject, based on the recognition of his merits, recognition of the importance, significance, value of something (Wikipedia).
If one of the scales outweighs at least a little, then one is in the position from above, towering over the partner. This position is arrogant, instructive, controlling, humiliating, devaluing, which in relationships can manifest itself both directly and in the form of various manipulations.
Both partners are always responsible for the relationship in a couple. Therefore, the most important, key in the process of couples therapy, I consider just the awareness of my responsibility for the quality of these relationships. And the first thing that each of the partners needs to do is to take on their part of the responsibility (of course, this can only be done if the relationship is of value).
Some of my questions are aimed at including one partner in the reality of the other.
How do you think your partner feels when you ….? What does he want? Do you know what interests him? Does he, in your opinion, have this right? Your partner - is he WHO or WHAT to you?
Respect for others gives rise to respect for oneself.
Rene Descartes
In his book I and YOU, Martin Buber defines two ways of a person's relationship with the world:
- I-It. This is an interaction of the "Subject-Object" type, implying change, transformation, consumption and use of the object. In this case, the object is presented as a thing.
- I, YOU. These relations are subject-subject, they imply a dialogue form of communication based on equivalence and reciprocity (Buber, M. I and You // M. Buber. Two images of faith. - M.: Republic, 1995).
The first is about manipulation. In the second - about equal dialogue, which is built on the basis of respect.
The second part of the questions is directed to the reality of the client himself:
What did you want to get from your partner with these words, actions? What is your need behind this?
Why is it so difficult for many to respect others? As a rule, the main reason is not knowledge, not understanding oneself. After all, the need for control is always associated with fear, the need for security; the need for devaluation arises from problems with one's own self-esteem; the need for humiliation and insult - often is an unconscious revenge on someone in the past; the need to be always right - in self-doubt.
Respecting the Other means reckoning with his interests, recognizing his dignity, his right to have his own desires, interests, feelings, thoughts … Or, to put it more simply, to recognize his right to be himself, to be “YOU”. Just like your right to be "I".
I am waiting for those who need help at my consultations.
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