Personal Boundaries Of A Person

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Do you have a friend who calls at any time of the day to tell in detail that her boyfriend has left her again? Moreover, it is obvious that she is not at all interested in receiving feedback, but simply uses you as a "flush tank".

Or acquaintances who are sure that if you are a psychologist, you are ready to consult them for free 24 hours a day, anywhere and anytime? Although, if you were a gynecologist, they might have abstained.

Or a partner who does not suspect that in the phrase "personal correspondence" the emphasis is on the word "personal"?

Or a mother who stubbornly does not want to understand that the child has grown up (YOU), and would like to live the way he sees fit?

No?

Then read no further.

Yes?

Then let's talk about what psychological boundaries are? Where are my boundaries, and where are the boundaries of another person? How to define them, and why are they needed at all?

All living things physically have their own limitations, limits. In the psychological sense, "boundaries" are the understanding and awareness of one's own "I" as separate from others. Understanding our separateness forms the basis of our personality. Each person has the right to have his own thoughts and feelings, everyone needs understanding and satisfaction of their own needs, for everyone needs some kind of personal space. A person who allows them to violate their own boundaries allows others to manipulate themselves. How to set boundaries, determine what can and cannot be allowed to others? In order to understand what you can allow others, you first need to be aware of yourself.

I recommend the exercise: "Map of my life". You can do it yourself.

"Draw a map of your life, where you and all the people around you are countries. You are of different sizes, you have different relationships. With someone you have common borders, with someone you do not. With someone you can border on water With someone you may have a certain common zone - the customs union or the “Schengen Agreement.” With someone, a simplified visa regime, with someone more complicated. And then look at your drawing and remember what the borders were, say, five years ago? And sometimes it helps to see a lot of things. For example: Maybe five years ago you had a lot of close boundaries and connections, a lot of contacts and conflicts. And that is why now you are "oversaturated with communication" and become … an island …

How do you know where the conversation about boundaries ends and selfishness begins? Ask yourself two questions (and remember to answer them honestly!).

Where is the line between indifference and respect for boundaries?

Where is the line between selfishness and respect for boundaries?

Remember that by helping against your will, you harm yourself, and the person for whom you are doing this is hardly beneficial (do not infantilize or disable loved ones!). Mother Teresa said: “After all, what you do is not needed by people; Only you and God need it. " These words at one time helped me to understand a very important and simple thing - the world will not collapse without me, and if I help, I do it for my own pleasure, and not because I am so irreplaceable and a person cannot cope without me "(Monchik A. Someone else's problems).

Let's learn to value ourselves not for the fact that someone will disappear without us, but for the fact that we just are. Thus, the formation of personal boundaries is impossible without self-knowledge and taking responsibility for their lives. years living in relationships with violated boundaries, to establish and maintain them, often requires the support of other people, most often (at least more effective and easier!) - psychotherapists.

What happens to clients in personal therapy?

There is a joint work with the therapist to determine the client's own boundaries (his "I" and "not-I"). There is a deep analysis of the client's activities: what he does because he needs it, and what he does because someone needs it.

There is a study of parental attitudes ("baggage") and the current system of values, its analysis from the point of view of the client's age, experience, and individuality. All this is important to do now, because in his childhood it was impossible to assess parental attitudes in terms of reality and conformity with life.

This is how the work of establishing our own boundaries begins. The foundation of this work is the key idea: "I, and only I, can manage my life, and only me it belongs!"

I do my job, and you do yours.

I do not live in this world to live up to your expectations.

And you do not live in this world to match mine.

You are you and I am me.

And if we happen to find each other, that's great.

If not, it cannot be helped. (F. Pearls)

And although this is only the beginning of the Path, the joy and feeling of oneself as the creator of one's own life is a valuable reward at this stage.