2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When you read articles about toxic people, you immediately get the image of a toxic and dodgy, cunning and nasty manipulator. And a photo in the subject, often it is a grinning or screaming person and next to a frightened victim. There are also such. His manipulations are easily visible, the toxicity is off the charts. However, there are others that do not stand out for external toxicity and intrigue. And actions. Actions with specific people. And it is very difficult to imagine that quite often a person becomes dependent on people who are quite nice in appearance. And it's not even about beauty and external perfection, (Although, yes, daffodils strive to look perfect, in clothes and figure, in purity of speech).
The fact is that this person is outwardly benevolent, expresses interest in the Other, studies him and lives by his interests. even in some ways it helps and supports once. Life is almost perfect for a while. The "ideal" has already learned what the Other likes and does everything as the Other likes. "Perfect" speaks in hints and messages in which the victim hears a promise that her dreams will soon come true. "Soon, soon, only now you need to wait a little and be patient." Also "Ideal" shares a lot of his stories, often negative. Pours out his past pains and sorrows on the victim. The victim is inspired: "What an open, sweet person! I certainly won't let him down and I won't hurt him!"
Another weakens control, believes, opens up entirely, shares absolutely everything, helps, saves and sacrifices himself for the sake of such a sweet and interested Ideal Partner … and gradually loses himself. And then a cold shower of rejection, a break in relations, pain and misunderstanding
“What did I do to make him disappear?” The victims ask themselves, “Still it was so good and was going to get even better!
After a while, when the wounds are licked, the pain subsides and other interests in life appear, the ideal again appears on the horizon. First, an easy check, a funny picture in the mail, a sticker in the vibe … If the victim answers, then more messages, then a long-awaited conversation or meeting. At the meeting again, “Idealny” shares a lot of his stories, releases his accumulated emotions on the victim.
It is somewhat similar to a friendly conversation, only "Ideal" expresses everything. The victim listens and endures, in the hope that this time the relationship will work out, return to the ideal beginning as it was before. Days go by and nothing happens after the meeting. The circle is complete. The victim is sad again and thinks "what did I do wrong".
After a while, everything will repeat itself, and again. It is difficult for the victim to understand why the person was so sincerely interested in her and suddenly disappeared, distanced himself, became cold, found another.
People get caught in this, in childhood, having experienced the experience of rejection or criticism. They are good at recognizing manipulations and lies. But that "ideal" is sincere in moments of conversation, how is that? And the fact is that people who do not know how to cope with an internal storm or pain, they want to pour it out. And not to go to a psychologist, but to find someone trusted, intelligent and kind, to whom you can merge emotions. It is better to tie this good thing to yourself by communicating future relationships, or rather, there are more chances that it will not betray or criticize. When we cry, paper napkins are very much needed. When we are not crying, napkins are waiting in the wings in a drawer.
Yes, when such an "ideal" needs to complain about life, share impressions, pour out anger - to criticize or criticize, he sincerely needs a trusted and attentive listener. And when he has spoken, then the whole listener is no longer needed for a while. And you can forget it for a while, until next time.
The victim may or may not do something, it is not her fault. She is a napkin, needed for a while to wipe away tears.
If you recognize yourself in one of these roles, psychotherapy can help. Why do I find myself in a relationship where I am needed for a short time to accept some negative emotions? What was it in my past that I used to behave this way? You can get rid of this and find yourself new ways to respond.
Also, if you "keep" a person in a relationship in order to drain negativity on him, What do you drain? This can be analyzed, released, and negativity removed.
Joy to all of us.
Come to psychotherapy.
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