When Trouble Comes To Our Lives Again And Again

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Today, each of us can say with confidence that there are no people who have not experienced this or that traumatic event in their lives. We reconcile with something, find an explanation, forgive and let go of the situation, we stumble over something and carry it with our souls all our life. We are all different, so just as traumatic situations affect us in different ways, our relationship with these experiences is completely different. At the same time, there is a category of "troubles" that cannot be predicted, replayed and outsmarted, there are situations that we cannot influence and change in any way. And there are people in whose life, for some unknown reason, such troubles alternate one another. Very often we call them "The Strong". However, in most cases, the price of this "Power" is our mental and physical health, since both psychosomatic disorders and psychosomatic illnesses are the most obvious signs that a person has been trying to be "Strong" for too long.

But I want to write this article not as a psychologist. Because in spite of all my knowledge and skills, I also repeatedly fell into the trap of a "strong personality". And already today I know that sometimes climbing again and again is not enough, it is not enough. If it suddenly happens that life constantly throws up some troubles, and we overpower ourselves, overcome and again rush into battle - we need to be prepared for the fact that at some point, in the aggregate of these rises, we risk falling into the abyss. Moreover, an insignificant trifle can become a decisive impetus. To prevent this from happening, try to listen to the following considerations:

1. Whatever grief happens to you, no matter how empty and crushed you feel, remember - IT WILL NOT ALWAYS BE THIS

There are a lot of different articles on the Internet that will tell you that life is multifaceted, and each of us will be able to see not only the negative, but also the positive, if we work with our attitudes and perceptions. I want to write about something else. When we were learning to work with trauma, our teacher very often repeated one common truth "once experienced grief does not give immunity from other losses." This means that if some misfortune happened in your life and you dealt with it, this does not mean that if another misfortune happened to you - it will no longer bring you spiritual wounds. However, today I may disagree with him. There is such a phenomenon when an unfamiliar road always seems longer and more difficult. Each new misfortune hurts especially, deeply and for a long time, it is a fact. Nevertheless, in our experience, well-established mechanisms for coping with adversity appear. We already know what can be expected from others, where, how and what kind of support and help we can get, we know by what symptoms it is possible to understand what happens to us when and how it happens, we learn to temporarily live in the rhythm of the "swing", and most importantly, we know that no matter how hazy our future may seem, the state of prostration always comes to an end sooner or later. No matter how strong and terrible the grief is, it does not last forever (although for the first year or two it seems that this is how everything will be now). And the less we brush it off and ignore it, the sooner it will recede. At the same time, it is important that coping mechanisms are constructive so that suppressed grief does not become pathological. Then, in addition to the fact that we will definitely get out of this state, there is a high probability that each new blow we will experience faster and more productively.

2. In search of justice, you can lose the rest of the resource

The most terrible and inevitable is that in your trouble someone will always want to make money … When we could not establish a diagnosis for the youngest child, doctors prescribed us many expensive examinations in neighboring laboratories. At some point, we simply ran out of money, I called the clinic and said that we could not continue the examination and treatment. To which I was told that the tests are done free of charge in the clinic itself, tk. it turns out this is provided by the state.

Sometimes I think that funeral machinations exist in order to pseudo-therapeutically pull a person out of the state of denial and, with all the existing bureaucracy and cynicism, return him to reality. And then sarcastically drive him into debts and obligations in order to provide for the first time the grieving with "the meaning of life."

However, there will be cases when people will simply close themselves from your problem according to the principle of the work of the defense mechanisms of the psyche or according to the principle "what is that". When my first husband died, some relatives already before the funeral regretted that now there would be no one to fix their computers. In the vaccination room, for several months they refused to draw up documents for the eldest child to school, not accepting the medical examination of a neurologist from whom he underwent long-term rehabilitation after a complex birth trauma. While working with psychosomatics, I sometimes meet clients who use their pathology for manipulation, but sooner or later they are faced with the fact that the further the more it does not work. The life of other people goes on as usual, faced with someone else's grief, the most natural reactions are to devalue it and force it out, otherwise you will have to experience along with the grieving one. Moreover, the axiom always works that "there is no grief more significant than yours (yours)." If we were rooting for every grieving person, we simply would not have withstood such a load mentally. Even psychotherapists use special sophisticated techniques to simultaneously take on part of someone else's grief or illness, and at the same time then cut it off from themselves.

Therefore, when faced with the cynicism and indifference of others, it is important to remember that the problem is not with you! This does not happen because someone from above wants to finish you off, not because you are not like that, it is just part of that very dirty streak of life that no one will be able to avoid. If you have a resource and you can achieve something - take action. Sometimes the work of "restoring justice" becomes temporary the meaning of life, while the psyche adapts and the person begins to build his new reality. However, remember that everyone has their own justice here, and in search of truth, you may simply lose the remnants of such an important and valuable energy for overcoming grief.

3. Do not become isolated in yourself and on the Internet

Faced with so much cynicism and indifference, most of us just shut down and withdraw into ourselves. Our old world is destroyed, and the new one is alien and hostile, each time confirming this again and again. It is also important to understand here that this is only part of the experience, one of its sides. Having learned the black side of the coin, it is important for us to find the white side (the colored ones will follow), but for this we need to interact, and to interact with reality, and not the network, where you will hardly ever find sincerity and truth. It is important to remember the versatility that we cease to see because of trouble. There is always someone in our environment who will provide support, help and sympathy. "Going out to people", mastering new things, getting to know each other, communicating, observing, taking the first steps, we will definitely come to people one way or another, whom we will appreciate throughout our journey. At the same time, appearances are often deceiving and the closest person in our life can become the one about whom, at the first meeting, we thought "what an eccentric".

My oldest child is friends with a special girl, once after a children's birthday, where there were also new school friends, one parent "in the ear" noted that this child's mother was not quite healthy in appearance. For me it was an epiphany, many people do not even guess what the life of a person who lives with daily mental pain consists of - to see the suffering of your baby and to know that you cannot change anything. I am absolutely sure that many parents in the courtyard, school, circles consider me a little "this", but it does not matter when there are people nearby who understand you) We conduct regular conversations about children's hobbies and successes, our hobbies, household routine and so on. But the very fact that you are accepted and do not need an explanation of why you are so "strange" charges you with a huge energy potential and the belief that everything will be fine anyway.

4. When you are not able to cope with your feelings, consult a psychologist

Nevertheless, it is important to remember about the "ecology of relationships" when talking with friends. When there are a lot of problems and troubles in our life, we unconsciously risk turning our understanding loved ones into a "drain hole", which cannot but alienate them from us. The mechanism of release from traumatic experiences is such that in order to get rid of them, they need to be taken out, disassembled and decided where in what and with what to do. Without special training, loved ones can "comfort" (make you calm down, not letting the destructive hormonal cocktail work - "well, everything, calm down"), "level" (devalue and not allow you to accept and work - "this is nothing, here at others happen ")," displace and rationalize "(" everything is enough to suffer, you need to be strong, it's time to take care of yourself ") and even push you towards mental splitting by offering to" think positively ", etc. Thus, trying to" work out "grief with a friend, we either push the misfortune into ourselves even more and deeper, or, on the contrary, we morally finish off a loved one, from which he will simply start to avoid us a little.

5. When your problem is specific or specific, look for specialists with a narrow profile

At the same time, there is strife between a specialist and a specialist. In one of my pregnancies, at 25 weeks, I started to have strange symptoms, which boiled down to the need for an artificial childbirth, tk. it was impossible to keep the pregnancy. Emotions overwhelmed me, I rushed from hysteria to complete apathy, by the time I got to the doctor I was already barely standing on my feet, I was afraid, my head was not thinking well. The doctor, instead of urgently examining me and calling the "universal ambulance team," calmly asked about what was happening, changed clothes, washed her hands, then sat down at the table and began to fill out some of my papers. I wanted to knock her and shout "Urgently save my child, what are you pulling!" After two pieces of paper, I began to get infected with her calmness, my brain gradually came to its senses, I realized that nothing military had happened and everything ended well. Only after a while I appreciated this behavior, because several times I visited other recommended good specialists, but not a narrow profile. Working with my map and symptoms, they themselves fell into hysterics, made me feel a lot of fears and directly said that it would be better to terminate such a pregnancy. The more my experience of working with various kinds of psychosomatic pathologies became, the more I learned that often clients mistakenly assess their condition and explaining something to them at a certain moment is meaningless and even fraught. Knowledge, understanding and belief in what you are doing right appears not with a crust from the institute, but with experience … Other doctors were mistaken, because they compared me with the average norm, when the condition was initially pathological and it was led by a doctor, a pathology specialist. And I thank her very much for such work, even at that time when nothing could be corrected, it was her behavior that helped to realize and accept that life does not end here and now. Lawyers, teachers, defectologists, doctors - no matter who you need help when you know what your problem is, not a "good friend", but a narrow specialist will only save time, nerves and money.

6. Take time for self-healing

At the same time, there is a part of the path that depends only on ourselves. Often it seems to us that our body and everything connected with it is self-evident. It works continuously and efficiently, and if it suddenly fails, then it is to blame, not us. In fact, we all know that healthy rest and sleep, a varied diet in sufficient quantities, psychological relief and physical activity - all this makes our body the very temple of the soul. Contrary to the opinion that "all diseases are from the brain", in fact, very often our psychological problems and disorders are associated with an imbalance in the functioning of organs and systems. And elementary rest, exercise, vitamins, minerals and pleasure from the proximity of different levels help to cope with depression, anxiety, melancholy and other things. You especially need to take care of yourself when you notice that you do not feel like eating for some time, you have begun to drink less, take care of yourself, engage in hobbies and things that used to bring joy, etc. is the most likely symptom of endogenous depression.

7. Never ignore your misfortune and do not succumb to the attempts of loved ones to level it

Remember - "positivism" is a technique, not a result! The therapeutic task of positivism is to recognize (show the situation to the brain is not so terrible) and launch the problem into your conscious for further processing, prevent the defense mechanisms from swallowing it terrible and drowning it in the unconscious! The goal of working with any misfortune is to go through it, survive, process and let go. Friends and loved ones will help devalue, supplant, and rationalize the problem as discussed above. And the one who suspects that something was wrong is more likely to be perceived by us as "a stranger" or "who does not understand anything."

My tumor developed in 2 weeks - 12 days is the period from the moment "everything is normal" to "septic shock". I didn't even have time to get scared. Removal of the "dead", cleaning, treatment - everything went like a daze, because there were deadlines ahead !!! My teacher Mark Voronov has been working at the Hospice for a long time, he has repeatedly tried to draw my attention that not everything is all right with me and I need "rehabilitation". But I felt fine, I tried to do everything perfectly and subconsciously was glad that I finally got rid of the excess weight that I had been struggling with since my youth. Temporary cycles of a decadent mood were quickly picked up by the formula "pull yourself together" and "every day and in everything my life is getting better." Lack of self-criticism is often present in traumatic people.… Many of my clients continue to ignore the complexity of the symptoms even when their body begins to speak for them through progressive psychosomatic pathology.

After that there were 4 similar cases when I pushed out and ignored my problems. It is difficult to explain to someone who has not encountered such a thing why this happened. It was a heinous cocktail for fear of being "disabled"; feelings of guilt for being “sick again”, “wasting” and for being a “burden” for my family; shame for my helplessness and compelled to let my husband into the zone of too "intimate", etc. Every time as soon as I felt the approach of "trouble", I simply turned off emotions and with the formula "everything will be fine" "I saw the goal, did not notice obstacles ". It all ended in one day, without warnings and options "to choose from." With the last of my strength, I pulled myself together and went to the doctor. I was strong, positive, intelligent, successful optimist in clinical depression. Many people think that this is something special that they will definitely not miss. In fact, the same "real" depression is the result of the fact that everything that was "not clinical" was ignored, repressed, depreciated and "was under control." Depression does not ask in what symptomatology we want it to manifest itself, it does not test us for readiness - it just comes and that's it, but not everyone has the knowledge and experience to sound the alarm in time.

Despite the fact that she usually comes with a warning. My story will seem fantastic to some, but this is how thousands live. When we started working with cancer patients, we first of all tested them on a stress scale.8 out of 10 showed that their previous life was oversaturated with various kinds of unprocessed losses and injuries. In psychosomatics, in general, it is often noted that the more complex the disease, the more a person is tired of his "strength" to rise and lose faith in the fact that such a life has any meaning. Therefore, it is so important to rise meaningfully.

8. Study your place in the system of the Universe

One of the basic elements of this "meaningfulness" is that it is important for a person to know his place in the system of the Universe. And looking ahead, I can say that no religion, no esoteric or theosophical direction, no philosophy or psychology will give you a pure answer to the question "Who am I" and "Why am I" which we can recognize ourselves in different states and understand what is ours and what is not. Only the realization that we are in our place and on our way gives real strength to go through life's troubles, troubles and grief over and over again. When you look back and understand what traumas made you you, what people you met along the way and what they taught you, what books you read, watched movies and listened to music, what events and experiences in your life led you to the place and meaning in which you are now - it becomes obvious that everything that is accidental is not accidental at all. Even the very fact that out of a million possible and hundreds of interested persons it is you who will read this article is not accidental, and regardless of whether you like it or not, it will become another brick in order to you have become entrenched in who you are;). In the most difficult moment, when there was no resource to exit and there was no point in yet another suffering, I always thought that if I go over "and through this," I can help others, big ones. Of course, if I were not me, such a statement of the question might not motivate me, but I often do not care about what is so important to others. I feel in my place and I do not know a greater resource in life than this one) But everything has its place and time, many of my clients refuse this search and I cannot influence this, since my path and exit from the point of no return is only mine … I can be there, suggest something that is not obvious to the client (what his defenses hide), recommend specific techniques, accept him in different states, support and wait patiently, but only he is able to walk his own path and find himself in it.

9. Distinguish real trouble from imaginary

One of the reasons why clients refuse self-knowledge is that, unfortunately, it really happens that we create our troubles for ourselves in order to receive some unconscious benefit, benefit, help in solving a specific issue. Trouble can be as a means of attracting someone's attention, as a way to interact with the outside world, as an attempt to force someone to act in a certain way - there are many options, all this can be revealed by working a little with introspection techniques. Then, letting go of the traumatic experience, the person also loses those unconscious bonuses that it gave. This is in the competence of the psychotherapist. Here I want to remind you of such a mechanism, when a person is in constant stress or problems happen often enough, he imperceptibly consumes physical, psychological, material and spiritual resources. Sometimes he devalues his experiences so much and ignores them that he becomes out of touch with himself, the body spends all its energy on repressing (not remarking) the problem, the person ceases to be filled with something positive from the outside, because he does not have enough resources even for this.

Then the only way to improve your condition becomes a kind of psychophysiological self-violence. Resurrecting and living in memory all his troubles, a person gives the brain a signal "save me, I feel bad" and the brain produces opiates, internal physiological drugs. We cry, we suffer, after which the state of health temporarily improves, but only temporarily, because from the point of view of energy costs, we not only did not replenish the depleting resource, but also used it up even more. This is how suicidal endogenous depression develops. Therefore, when only thoughts arise that we are on the edge and there is no way out anymore, it is important to remember how long ago and how we replenished our psychological and physiological resources and it is important to pay attention to whether we are mentally scrolling the tape of all our troubles and misfortunes from the past. If this is so, then our "suffering" is artificial and synthetic, not referring to a specialist is fraught with danger.

10. Remember the "guilt" trap

Feelings of guilt are always manipulative and destructive. We can make mistakes, do bad things, and feel justly guilty about what happened. However, we can project onto ourselves the blame for another person, irrational. We can blame someone else for what happened, deservedly and undeservedly … You can write a lot about feelings of guilt, but whether it is fair or not, it is always destructive … The main message is as follows - if we blame ourselves or someone else, this first of all suggests that some of our deep experiences do not find a way out and cannot be worked out. Guilt is just an attempt to distract us from real and difficult experiences.

At the end of the article, I would like to say "for me, do not worry, everything is stable." The decision to write an article in this format came precisely because looking back at life comes a different understanding of the processes. What seemed right before is revealed from the other side after a while. I know that many of my texts seem harsh and pessimistic, but for someone who has risen more than once, smiled and did not understand why this does not work, on the contrary, they can be realistic and give an understanding that everything is in order with them, the situation is multifaceted and there is always a way out near. And then, in my opinion, one of the tasks of therapy is not to learn how to use those white streaks of life to the maximum, gaining resources in anticipation of a new disaster. The task is to take it for granted when faced with a disaster, work it out as carefully as possible and return to that very color of life as soon as possible, enjoying it here and now, endlessly, without annoying glances at the past and without unnecessary worries about the future.

It's good when it's good.

Written for Good Psychologis Magazine, 2017