How Attachment Styles Affect Couples Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

How attachment styles affect the nature of pairing relationships

And also psychoanalytically oriented psychotherapist Konstantin Yagnyuk spoke in an interesting way about attachment styles in accordance with the concept of John Bowlby. In my practice, I often see confirmation of this concept.

British psychoanalyst John Bowlby created the theory of attachment, according to which the relationship between mother and child during the first years of life is crucial for the development of the child's personality and interpersonal relationships throughout life. (and other caregivers) is transformed into stable internal perceptions and expectations of intimate relationships, on which a person's ability to build close relationships and adequately respond to inevitable differences in expectations and conflicts directly depends.

Experiencing a safe and warm emotional relationship with your mother is the foundation on which a person's personal relationship is built throughout life. The most serious difficulties arise when parents have unresolved difficulties regarding their own attachment to their parents. Studies have shown that attachment styles can be passed on from one generation to the next, that is, childhood experiences of attachment relationships influence the formation of an emotional connection with their own child.

As a result of observing the interaction in the mother-infant dyad, British psychologist Mary Ainsworth proposed a typology of their three attachment styles: secure, avoidant, and anxious-ambivalent.

People with secure attachment styles had mothers who were approachable, responsive, and caring in early childhood, attentive to their needs, and showing love when their babies needed comfort. As a result, children with secure attachments have the confidence that they can always get the attention of a parent when needed. This experience largely determines their attitude to life in general. These children can relax and explore the world around them.

Subsequently, people with a secure attachment style are usually able to find a balance between independence and closeness in a relationship with another person. They perceive themselves as attractive and sympathetic; they do not need external confirmation of their own worth. Since their development took place in an atmosphere of reliability and security, they trust other people, are able to share their feelings and ask for help. People with secure attachment styles tend to have good communication skills. They are able to regulate their mood, integrate conflicting feelings, control negative emotions, resolve emerging conflicts in cooperation with a partner. In crisis situations, more constructive problem-solving strategies are available to them.

People with anxious / ambivalent attachment styles usually did not have consistent care in their infancy; their mothers treated them sometimes with affection and sympathy, sometimes ignored and neglected their needs. This inconsistency seemed to leave the little ones unsure of whether their mom would be there when they needed her.

Subsequently, people with anxious / ambivalent attachments tend to exaggerate the importance of closeness and involvement in relationships, almost to the point of merging and losing personal boundaries. They often suffer from anxiety and self-doubt, preoccupied with the emotional security of the relationship. Most of all, they are afraid that they may be left, therefore, the manifestations of the partner's need for loneliness and independence are experienced by them as a serious danger. In intimate relationships, anxious / ambivalent people are demanding, dependent, jealous, and prone to "clinging" reactions, and the partner is often perceived as a dodger.

People with avoidant attachment styles had mothers who were insensitive to their emotional state and needs in early childhood. Often there is long-term rejection and hostility from those who should have taken care of them. The alternation of separation and intrusive behavior of the mother leads to the protective behavior of the child. He tries to forget about his need for a mother, chooses a restrained and indifferent demeanor in order to avoid new disappointments. When the mother returns after periods of separation, these babies refuse to look at them, as if denying any feelings for her. In their behavior you can see the reproach: "Who are you? Should I recognize you? - the one that will not help me when I need it." By adolescence, this behavior is entrenched in a stable attitude of alienated independence.

Subsequently, people with avoidant attachment styles devalue the value of close relationships. As a rule, they are pessimistic about personal relationships. The manifestation of the need for intimacy is perceived by them as a threat, so they distance themselves and avoid intimate relationships. They tend to change partners and engage in non-binding sexual relationships. They lack sensitivity to the needs of the other, and self-disclosure scares them. Experiences of distress and insecurity are denied by them. Because they need to perceive and present themselves as highly confident, they are hypersensitive to rejection and anger reactions."