2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The Pitfalls of Addicted Relationships in Couples
A dependent relationship in a pair is the result of incomplete separation from parent figures. A partner for an emotionally dependent person is used as a substitute object used in a relationship in order to satisfy parent-child needs. Consequently, to the fore in such relationships are the needs of the child-parent spectrum - in unconditional love, in non-judgmental acceptance. The foregoing does not mean at all that the aforementioned needs have no place in mature partnerships, they just are not dominant there.
Here are the most striking phenomena of addiction in relationships:
Taking everything personally
Desire to make excuses
Tendency to resentment
Feelings of guilt that arise easily
Desire to be a valued partner
Desire to get approval from a partner
Emotionally addicted person automatically places itself in a child's position. Partner he is perceived by him as evaluating, controlling, condemning, instructing, accusing, offending. And although this may have little to do with reality, subjective reality, like a whirlpool, sucks into the funnel of previous experience and becomes for an emotionally dependent person his only reality.
Accordingly, any reaction of a partner is interpreted as assessment, control, condemnation, instruction, accusation. For example, a partner's message with the question: "Where are you?" unambiguously perceived as control on his part. Although it may be interest, concern, concern, participation …
In relationships, such a person habitually takes a childish position, placing the other in the position of a parent. If the partner accepts this position, then a game familiar to both partners begins: “You don’t love me, you don’t accept me, you don’t understand, you don’t appreciate …”
All this leads to the fact that too many emotions appear in the relationship, it becomes difficult to restrain them and this leads to frequent conflicts, almost out of the blue.
WHAT TO DO?
- Refrain from falling into a child's position. To do this, it is important to recognize your automatic relationship pattern. If the hit point in the child's position is overshot, then it is already difficult to do anything. It is important to learn, even before making contact, not to consciously put yourself in a childish position, maintaining the position of the presumption of innocence and self-acceptance.
- To form self-acceptance - acceptance of one's qualities as permissible, possible, without trying to get rid of them. The more you managed to accept in yourself - the better, the more holistic, integration, your identity becomes more consistent: I am such a person and I am ok. Then there is something to rely on, stability appears.
And before that, it is necessary to work out the emotional and traumatic experience that at one time created this fixation in the child's position, as well as to identify the basic beliefs associated with such behavior. Without this preliminary stage, the work described above will be ineffective and its results are unsustainable. And this is better done with a psychotherapist.
Love yourself!
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