Otto Kernberg "TRIANGLES IN RELATIONS."

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The straight and inverted triangles, which I described in my early work (1988), constitute the most typical unconscious scenarios, which at worst can lead to the breakup of a couple, and at best, strengthen their intimate relationship and bring stability to them.

When I speak of right triangles, I mean the unconscious fantasies of both partners about an excluded third party, an idealized subject of a certain sex - a strong rival, reproducing an Oedipus rival. Every man and woman is unconsciously or consciously wary of the presence of someone who might better satisfy his or her sexual partner; this third party is a source of jealousy and emotional anxiety in sexual relations, signaling a danger that threatens the integrity (safety) of the couple.

The inverted triangle denotes compensating vengeful fantasies towards some other person, but not his partner, but an idealized representative of the opposite sex, symbolizing the desired Oedipus object, and thus establishing a "triangular" relationship in which the subject is seduced by two representatives of the opposite sex instead of doing away with an Oedipus rival of the same sex for an idealized Oedipus object of the opposite sex.

I believe that given these two universal fantasies, there are potentially six people in the same bed in the fantasy: the couple themselves, their respective unconscious Oedipal rivals, and their respective unconscious Oedipal ideals.

If this phrase resembles Freud's answer to Fleis: “I have taught myself that there are four people involved in every sexual act,” then it should be noted that his comment was made in a discussion about bisexuality. My formulation arises in the context of unconscious fantasies based on oedipal object relations and identifications.

One of the forms that aggression associated with oedipal conflicts can take (in clinical practice and in everyday life) is the unconscious tacit agreement of both partners about the search for a real third, which is a condensed ideal of one and a rival of the other. The point is that adultery - the short-term and long-term relationship of the love triangle - is more often the unconscious consent of a couple tempted to fulfill their deepest aspirations.

Homosexual and heterosexual dynamics wedge into the picture, since the unconscious rival is also a sexually desirable object in a negative oedipal conflict: often there is an unconscious identification of the victim of betrayal with a cheating partner in sexual fantasies about a partner's relationship with a hated competitor. If severe narcissistic pathology in one or both members of the couple prevents the expression of normal jealousy - an ability that implies some degree of tolerance towards the Oedipus rival - such triangles are easily embodied.

A couple able to maintain sexual intimacy and protect themselves from third-party intrusion not only maintains accepted boundaries, but also, in their struggles with rivals, assert an unconscious contentment with fantasies of an excluded third party - an Oedipus triumph and a subtle Oedipus rebellion at the same time. Excluded third party fantasies are typical components of normal sexual relationships. The flip side of sexual intimacy, which allows you to enjoy polymorphic perverse sexuality, is the pleasure of latent sexual fantasies, which in a sublimated form are manifested in aggression towards the object of love. Sexual intimacy, therefore, is represented by yet another gap - the gap between sexual acts, in which partners are completely absorbed and identified with each other, and sexual acts, in which hidden fantasy scenarios are embodied, introducing insoluble contradictions of the Oedipus situation into the relationship.

To the age-old questions "What does a woman want?" and "What does a man want?" you can answer that men want to see a woman in several roles at the same time: as a mother, a little girl, a twin sister and an adult sexual woman. Women, due to the inevitability of a change in the primary object, want a man to combine paternal and maternal roles, and want to see him as a father, a little boy, a twin brother and an adult sexual man.

At various stages, both men and women may have a desire to play homosexual relationships or switch sexual roles in an attempt to overcome the boundaries between the sexes, which inevitably limit narcissistic satisfaction in sexual intimacy - a passionate desire for the complete fusion of the love object with the Oedipal and pre-Oedipal elements. which can never be embodied.