"Yes" And "No" Are The Best Regulators Of Relations In The Family, Couples And Society

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"Yes" and "No" are the best regulators of relations in the family, couples and society.

Have you ever wondered how often you say the words "yes" and "no" in your daily life? And what word is heard more often? Are you more of a “yes” person or a “no” person?

There are three categories of people: those who almost never say “no” and always answer “yes” to any requests from people around them, others - those who almost always say “no” - you rarely hear a “yes” agreement from their lips, and those who are equally capable of both answers to requests from outside. The last category is people with good personal boundaries, they know how to refuse an offer they do not need, they know how to clearly orient themselves in their own needs and take into account the needs of a loved one. The balance of "yes" and "no" speaks of a person's mature position and his inner integrity and balance. And of course the third category of people is more adapted to life in society.

But unfortunately there are not so many of them as “yes” people and “no” people.

What is the word "no"? It is a regulator of the boundary in a relationship and a regulator of the distance between two people. The word “no” can be said by a person who in adolescence has solved the task “I” in time, he feels his own boundaries. But if at the same time he rarely says "yes", then he is afraid that these boundaries will be violated. They are so fragile that with the word "no" he constantly protects his vulnerable "I".

What is the word "yes"? This is the regulator of intimacy, the ability to be in merging with another person. The word "yes" can be said by a person who, in adolescence, successfully completed the task of being in "We". He is sensitive to the needs of the other. But if at the same time he rarely says "no", then he is not able to exist in isolation from the other, he cannot live alone without a couple. And he often ignores himself.

Let's figure out who the people are - "yes". They are very patient, hardy, compassionate, compassionate, caring people. They are more focused on the needs of others than on meeting their own needs. These are wounded healers who constantly save someone, help someone. And even if not so clearly, then such a person is still “sharpened” for the convenience of other people, but not for his own. These are the sufferers who are always used by everyone and ride on their backs. After all, they are practically trouble-free. They ignore themselves and may internally be angry with others that they constantly have to agree and serve, but they cannot say “no, I am so uncomfortable”. They are afraid of offending another person by refusal, they are afraid that if they say no, they will lose the relationship. They are hostages of the word "yes". And very often, precisely because such people ignore their needs, their feelings, they suffer from all sorts of psychosomatic disorders, since they suppress a lot of anger in themselves and are afraid to remain unnecessary, and therefore rejected, outcasts. And for this reason, they choose to deny themselves. They live with the feeling that from birth they have no right to say no. Who took this right away from them? Parents, of course. Parents who raised a child comfortable for themselves, manipulating with fear of loss and guilt. They decided for the child what was best for him, where to go, what decisions to make, when to eat, when to sleep. And these children had no right to declare their disagreement with the will of the parent. In general, even in adulthood, such people live without this right, since everything that parents did with such a child earlier, a person already does to himself. Itself does not give the right to the word "no". “You cannot refuse, because you can offend another by refusal” - people often say “yes”. But they themselves can hardly bear the refusal and perceive the word “no” as a blow, rejection, dislike. Most often these are people of a codependent type of behavior. They are always not enough of everything: little pain, little attention and love, little feelings, communication, information.

Who are “no” people? These are people for whom there is always a lot. With the word “no”, they seem to be fencing themselves off from the outside world with a high fence, protecting themselves from invasion of their personal space. Often these are people who have suffered a great fiasco in closeness with another and they find it unbearable when another person asks them for more attention, love, communication. They are depleted in communication and, as a rule, they are stingy with emotions. What happened to them? They, once in contact with their parent, were very much afraid of the overwhelming invasion of someone who is much stronger than them and on whom they were completely dependent. They were afraid of the power that another person might take over them. As a rule, such people, like the first ones, were subjected to emotional abuse, but here, more likely, physical abuse is also present in the history of development. The word “no” is the only thing that saves them and gives them the ability to feel their “I” alive. Most often these are people of a counter-dependent type of behavior.

When a “yes” person and a “no” person meet, then the scenario is “catch up with me if you can” - one runs away, the other catches up.

But why exactly are such people pairing? To complete what is incomplete in adolescence. The “yes” person needs to learn to be in the “I”, and the “no” person needs to learn to be in the “We”. What does it mean? It is important for a “yes” person to build up his internal supports and learn to feel his boundaries and introduce the word “no” into his everyday life, without fear of losing relationships. And a “no” person needs to learn to be in close proximity to another, to let another into his territory, opening up to him and not being afraid that, as in childhood, his vulnerability will be used against him. It is for growing up and completing developmental tasks that these two meet. But how often people do not go through this crisis stage in a relationship, when, after the intoxication of romantic love, a difference is discovered due to the childhood traumas of both partners.

Ideally, a mature person should be able to say “yes” to himself and deny another, “no” to himself and “yes” to another. Without getting stuck for a long time either in the state of "yes" or in the state of "no". Relationships consist of a constant movement from two “I” to “We”, and then from “We” - two “I” and this is like a cycle of breathing. But if a couple is stuck on inhaling or exhaling, then the relationship dies. They become impossible in this stuck, as they become unbearable for both partners.

What advice can you give to such a couple? Face your childhood fears and meet them halfway. One needs to overcome the fear of intimacy and absorption by the other, and the other needs to overcome the fear of loneliness and rejection. Like two wise, but sometimes cruel, teachers, they make each other grow up. They become disillusioned and rip off each other's rose-colored glasses of love and, if they're lucky, come to mature love, creating a work of relationship art, in which there is no place for ideals, requirements and attempts to remake the other.