2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A small child is born, and two desires already live in him, which, changing, will guide him throughout his life. It is the desire for attachment and the desire for separation, both of which are vital. And the role of the mother in maintaining them is also important. It is she who, in her desire directed at the child, helps him want to be desired, to be ready to accept her care, love, milk
"According to the French psychoanalyst Serge Lebowisi, at the symbiotic stage, mother and child mutually seduce each other, they are inseparable, dissolved in each other, a strong emotional connection is established between them, thanks to which the child feels protected."
But mother should play an equally important role in the development of the desire for separation and independence.
In the modern world, there is more and more a situation when mothers cannot help their children in this. They themselves are so in need of the child's symbiotic dependence, which is the only one and gives meaning and color to their life. And therefore, mothers often do not notice either the child's readiness for separation, or the colossal anxiety of the child, who is forced to be the only answer to all her adult questions.
But such a burden is beyond the power of a small child. But the child himself will not be able to refuse it. The position of the "royal baby" is attractive, but also disturbing, it is highly corrupting. In the modern world, more and more often, in order to somehow belittle this position of uniqueness, the father, who could become the solution, does not cope with his role and "in relations with his wife, he often also takes the role of a child." The key condition for the favorable development of the child is that he would be “not everything” for the mother, this is what Winnicott implies as his “good enough mother”.
The possibility of separation from the mother in this early period of infancy carries with it both the triumph of victory and the bitterness of the loss of unity with the mother. The mother must help her child go through this "insoluble contradiction."
Each in his own way will cope with such a test, which causes increased anxiety in the child. “Many people defended themselves from this anxiety by active activity that remains for life. After all, the action reduces tension. Others are used to directing their anxiety to their body, and there it manifests itself in bodily pain. And melancholic people cope with anxiety - inhibition, they are inhibited in thoughts and actions."
And it is the support, attention, empathy of the mother that are important for the child during this transition period. If the mother, for some reason, is cold and absent, then emptiness and cold take the place of blissful unity. And in order to cope with this, the child refuses to recognize, annuls the loss of unity, which can further lead to melancholic failures, and all sorts of addictions.
Mom must help him decide to abandon the usual way of pleasure, whether it is breastfeeding, or sleeping in the parent's bed, or the pleasure of getting his pants dirty. But for this she must give meaning to this refusal, give him a promise about the possibility of pleasure in the future. A promise is always a help, even if it is a limitation, it is always a relief. These are always alternative possibilities. And this promise, on the one hand, opens up the future for the child, the opportunity to find new ways of getting pleasure, makes it possible to delay pleasure, and then there is a place, time for fantasy, imagination, and on the other hand, teaches the child to expect, something that is so rare in modern children.
A symptom of a child is almost always an attempt to answer the question of how I should be to be loved. This response to the desire of his parents, of course, affects his fate, but also very often failing to find words and meanings, what is happening to him, what he feels, on the one hand, because the psyche and thinking of the baby are still being formed, but with another, because my mother did not find words for this, these questions are reflected in the body. The body makes it possible to experience something that has not been named. But what could not be called a mother, as a rule, is noted as terrible, because even she has no words for this.
It is the difficulties associated with the symbiotic, dual mother-child relationship that lead to the most severe symptoms.
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