2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Ideal Mother
A very good mom sacrifices herself and puts her child first. He completely forgets about his own life and needs.
Indignation and irritation pressures, because good mothers are not angry with their own children. This is the lot of bad mothers.
So, aggressive impulses presses until a container with a slide builds up. The overwhelming force of negative impulses breaks out. An attack of rage occurs in the form of an affect: yells, shakes the child, hands involuntarily reach for the throat of the beloved child.
It looks scary and ugly. The surrounding people and the mother herself are frightened. When the fit of rage passes, guilt, shame and fear of one's own insanity pile up.
In fact, it is important to learn how to constructively express negative feelings without leading to passion.
And to begin with, accept that the mother can be angry with the child. Maybe even hate him. At the same time, love him very much.
Psychotherapist Karl Whitaker argued that a mother should be good enough, not perfect.
When the mother shows her own shadow side, she acquaints the growing child with the dark sides of life and man. After all, a child should go out into a harsh life.
Permissive children
Young parents retired to the bedroom. A 5-year-old daughter wants to see her parents. And this is the natural desire of the child. But parents also have their own desires. The girl is told: "You can't." But the child does not agree - at first he whimpers under the door, then knocks on the door and shouts. The girl is confident and aggressive. She wants everything to be the way she wants. And this is also natural. Children are self-centered.
But everything is good in moderation.
Parents who were brought up in severity understood in childhood that a child needs freedom to be happy. And they swore to themselves that they would not tyrannize their own child.
But their child is already tyrannizing the whole family. And such a parent is afraid to say a strict word so as not to injure the child. The parent projects his own childhood painful experiences onto the child. He remembers: resentment, irritation when yelling at him and humiliation when calling names. He is one of the crushed and emotionally traumatized children. And, fearing of offending the growing fragile personality of the child, he allows him, practically, everything.
A fragile personality grows stronger before our eyes. The child becomes more moody and uncontrollable. By adolescence, it is no longer clear who has a more fragile personality - a child or a parent. And the parent is still afraid to hurt the little girl.
The child gets used to this, and if the tender parent suddenly does not boldly blurt out, the anger of the child's hurt self-esteem falls on him. Anger is not righteous. The child's pride is inflated to the skies. The parent no longer has enough space next to him in the sun.
For such a child, the parent is the one who satisfies the desires and needs - the servant. The child becomes spoiled, limitless and permissive. A narcissistic and selfish child grows up who does not understand that there is another person nearby with his own needs and characteristics.
The child does not realize that he is aggressive and violates the boundaries and rights of others.
Also, the child does not fully understand the rules of this life. And the science "what is good, what is bad" is important to him.
The child, by his behavior, will force the parent to set a boundary for him, because it is scary to live without boundaries. He will behave worse and worse. Until the limit of what is permitted is crossed. For example, it will run to the track. The parent will lose his temper - yell or spank. The child soon calms down and behaves appropriately. The parent drowns in guilt. After all, he promised himself not to be tough, like his father. He swore not to shout, not call names, not beat the child. And then he broke.
Over time, the parent notices that the child seems to be deliberately provoking the parent into aggression.
Yes, a child for whom the parents themselves do not set boundaries - unconsciously asks the parents for these very boundaries. Now the child knows that it is dangerous to run on the track. After all, the parent was not in vain nervous.
More complex example: You cannot hit another person.
Sometimes the child has to hear this word "No". With this word you will not crush personal freedom. Although it seems that this is a limitation, squeezing, overlapping of possibilities.
But in the outside world, many things are not allowed. You cannot take other people's things. This is theft. And the child should know this.
As the Buddha said, it is important to stick to the middle path, that is, do not fall into extremes. The tyranny of childhood is bad. But the permissiveness of a child, total freedom before anarchy is bad.
If in childhood it is not shown that this world has boundaries, then the school will rigidly demonstrate this to the child.
You take someone else's pencil case - the children will not stand on ceremony, but will beat you. And a kind parent will not help, because he will not be around.
He will not understand - in adolescence, law enforcement agencies will come to the rescue with fines and a children's room for the police.
What do you think?
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