Death Of A Child. How To Be A Family After Losing A Child

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Death of a child. The death of a child is a loss that leaves nothing alive in you. Life is a process of struggle for existence. Your own, your loved ones, your friends, your business, your ideas, your illusions, your hopes, your homeland, etc., etc. The most terrible thing that can happen to us in life, in the life of our family, is the death of our children. Any children: lost due to difficulties during pregnancy, newborns, babies, preschoolers, schoolchildren, adolescents, already quite adults.

For a quarter of a century, working as a family psychologist in a millionth city, he personally communicated with more than a hundred married couples, whose children have passed away, never reaching adulthood, without creating their own families, without giving their mothers and fathers a proud title - "grandmothers" and "grandfathers. ". To my great sorrow, in my statistics there is also my own son Anikey, who left this world at the age of only two days from birth. And although by the time of his death I already had two clever and beautiful daughters, I myself had to drink to the bottom of the thicket of inconsolable parental grief.

In my practice, there are also more than two hundred cases of psychological assistance to parents in case of loss of children by mothers during the prenatal period (unsettled pregnancy with IVF or insemination, miscarriages, frozen pregnancy, etc.). Moreover, if, according to medical approaches, many of these lost children are not considered as such, are assessed as “fetuses” or “stillborn,” then for their parents they were children. Especially when it comes to children lost after 16 weeks of pregnancy, when they are already moving in the womb. Therefore, the suffering of such parents is also very acute.

I consider it my duty to be at least a little useful to those inconsolable parents who have faced such an unimaginably terrible phenomenon as the death of their own child in their lives. And try, if not to reduce their grief (this is almost impossible), then, in any case, to help them find new ways of life. By giving them examples of the behavior of those other men and women who also personally encountered this misfortune in their family.

When the loss of a child occurs in the life of a parent, the world seems to collapse. They often have the feeling that this happens only to them alone, while everyone around them is successfully carrying and giving birth, raising and raising their children. However, alas, this is not at all the case. It so happened that with the death of children, they especially often contacted me in 2014. Hence, I will give statistics for Russia for 2014. This year in our country:

- 1 913 613 people died;

- 1,947,301 people were born;

- about 1,000,000 registered abortions were performed and no less than the same number of those who remained without medical registration.

- fetal loss during pregnancy occurred in 15-20% of all desired pregnancies, that is, in 2014, parents lost about 350,000 children before their full maturation in the womb.

- the mortality rate among live births of infants under 1 year of age in Russia in 2014 was 7.4% per thousand births, so in 2014 about 14,000 babies under 1 year of age died in Russia.

- annually in Russia, about 15,000 minors under the age of 14 die, 50% of them die from accidents, more than 2,000 children become victims of murder or grievous bodily harm.

- Every year in Russia, up to 10,000 adolescents between the ages of 14 and 18 die and die.

In 2014, the number of children under the age of 18 in Russia, according to statistics, amounted to more than 28 million people.

It turns out that in the same year they put on a sign of mourning:

• - about 350,000 families who have lost their children during pregnancy;
• - about 40,000 families who have lost children under the age of 18.

If we divide arithmetically the 390,000 children of Russia lost in 2014 by 365 days a year, it turns out that on a national scale we are losing up to a thousand of our children every day! Up to half a million moms and dads pass this unbearable pain every year. But each of them has compassion next to their own parents, siblings, grandparents, family friends.

Agree, these are not just scary, these are prohibitively scary figures! But I am not bringing them up at all to intimidate someone or stop them before planning a new pregnancy. In no case! On the contrary, I am citing this statistics only so that parents who have lost their children, especially minors, can clearly see and realize four things:

Firstly, no matter how sad we are from this,

You are not alone! What happened to you, at the same time to you, pass up to a thousand Russian parents. Alas…

Secondly, there is no Destiny. You should not bother yourself with the mystical question that parents who have lost their children often ask themselves: “Why did this happen to us? With me personally, with our family, specifically with my child? What human laws have I violated, what exactly have I been guilty of before the powers of heaven, etc.?! I am absolutely convinced:

In the tragedies that happened to our children

neither the Lord God, nor karma, nor the evil eye, nor corruption is guilty, nor any other mystical and magical factors.

Observing this world as a psychologist, I see how frankly scoundrels, moral monsters and murderers can live and raise their children perfectly happily. At the same time, millions of decent people experience difficulties in obtaining offspring and tragically lose their children. But this does not mean at all that luck is on the side of villains, and good people attract trouble. After all, every day I see the sad end of violators of God's and human laws and the triumph of positive parents and their children. Not understanding what and before whom little children can be guilty, I confidently say that if there are supernatural forces in the world, they are hardly interested in everything that happens to us, our families and our children. We live only by those laws that were formed long before the appearance of man and by what we, people, create for ourselves. It is quite obvious to me:

The tragedies that happen to our children are always derived from subjective and objective reasons that have a natural, natural, earthly character.

Simply put, if our children die and die, then this usually happens for the following understandable reasons:

- Due to the parents' ignorance of those main threats that pose a danger to the child during conception, pregnancy, childbirth, during infancy, during childhood, during adolescence and adolescence.

- Due to the presence of those conflicts in the family, because of which either the risks to the life and health of the child increase, or he is left to himself, and therefore finds himself in situations that threaten life and health.

- Due to the presence of criminal negligence on the part of the parents, who were unable to prevent the occurrence of the situation in time, which turned out to be dangerous for the life and health of their child.

- Due to the disgusting attitude towards ourselves, other people's children and life in general on the part of other people, on whom the lives and health of our children depend (doctors, teachers, employees of municipal and law enforcement agencies, drivers, etc.).

- In view of the obvious imperfection of the health care systems, education and law and order in the country, the general incorrectness and heartlessness of the structure of society as a whole.

- Due to the specifics of the personality (first of all - heredity, temperament and worldview) of our children themselves, because of which they found themselves in tragic situations for themselves.

- Due to the specifics of raising children by the parents themselves.

There is no Destiny! In every tragic story of our children there is a complex of heredity, pedagogical neglect, childish naivety, parental self-confidence, irresponsibility, chance, criminal intent, etc. And all this is in the hands of parents and society as a whole.

Thirdly, one should not overestimate the guilt of only one parent:

The departure from the life of underage children is the result of the influence of a whole set of factors, which are difficult, and sometimes impossible, to take into account.

Of course, in each specific case, it seems to parents that they could stop the tragedy. And this is so! But, when you deal with hundreds of fatal stories, it becomes clear that it is, unfortunately, even theoretically impossible to exclude absolutely all dangers for the child, even being three times attentive and caring mothers and fathers. Below, you will clearly see this.

Fourthly, as a family psychologist, I am convinced: apart from cases of obvious parental guilt associated with alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, crime and mental disorders, a tragedy with a child should not quarrel, but unite his parents, mobilize their efforts to take care of existing children and the birth of others.

In support of my theses, I will give examples from practice:

- About Lga lost her child in the third month of pregnancy, having come into conflict with a work colleague. Blood pressure rose, miscarriage occurred. Of course, the woman knew that it was impossible to do this, but, alas, it was impossible to work without conflicts. Vladimir, Olga's husband, was against his wife's work in a responsible position during pregnancy, so instead of supporting his wife in a difficult situation, he attacked her with accusations. The couple turned to me when Vladimir proposed a divorce, and Olga (she was 32 years old) was going to agree with this, sell the car and go on a pilgrimage trip to plead guilt to her unborn child and husband.

In this case, we see the wrong behavior of both the wife and the husband at once. Instead of rallying in this trouble, the parents began to sort things out in a situation where no apparent guilt was visible. Olga could not go on maternity leave in the third month, since this is not provided for by labor legislation. And Vladimir's salary was not enough for a comfortable life for a family with one worker. At the same time, Olga herself felt good, there was no question of placing her in a hospital to “save” her. Fortunately, the couple reconciled and two years later found the happiness of parenthood.

- Marina and Afanasy lost children twice due to a frozen pregnancy. At first Marina considered herself "inferior", and then the witch-grandmother assured the girl that her mother-in-law had jinxed her, who was against her son's marriage to Marina. Seeing the running of his wife around the "grandmothers" Afanasy was already ready to admit his mother's opinion that he and his wife were not a couple, to part with his "incapable of giving birth" wife. At the consultation, I simply advised the couple not to rush to divorce, but to move away from the local coal boiler house, right next to which they lived. And thus, further away from mother Afanasy, who also lived nearby and bought her son an apartment near her. The couple changed an apartment, moved to a more environmentally friendly place, then gave birth to a healthy son.

- Galina and Igor lost their newborn child due to a birth trauma caused by doctors (the newborn was dropped when the umbilical cord twisted around the neck was removed). Having filed a lawsuit against the maternity hospital, Galina also blamed her husband for the incident, who, in her opinion, regretted 30,000 rubles for a bribe received in this maternity hospital for a successful delivery. Igor, in turn, was convinced that there was wine and Galina, who, despite his prohibitions, smoked throughout pregnancy, which, according to doctors, could lead to increased fetal activity and entanglement of the umbilical cord. The couple reconciled when we agreed that before the new pregnancy, Galina would quit smoking, and her husband would save enough money to carry on the pregnancy and give birth in a good clinic. Two years later, the family immediately acquired twins.

- Semyon and Natalya lost a one-year-old baby who, trying to move around the apartment, dropped a TV on himself, breaking the base of his skull. This happened in their absence, when the couple was in the store, leaving the child with his grandmother, Natalia's mother. My grandmother suffered from high blood pressure and felt very bad that evening. She was lying on the couch, thereby losing control of the one-year-old child. Semyon blamed Natalia and his mother-in-law for everything, Natalia blamed herself and her mother. The grandmother tried to commit suicide, with which the couple turned to a psychologist. They all managed to reconcile. When the couple became pregnant again, the couple immediately agreed that the child would have a professional nanny.

- Peter and Elena lost a two-year-old child due to the fact that they refused to hospitalize a baby with a rotavirus infection in a children's hospital. Because she had a very bad reputation for overcrowded patients and rude staff. The spouses blamed each other and themselves, but at the same time, in my practice, there were many such cases when in this hospital, small patients who were delivered there on time also died. It is extremely difficult to predict how events would develop and guarantee success, even if Elena would immediately agree to leave with the baby in the ambulance, in this case, it is extremely difficult.

- Svetlana was standing with a four-year-old child at a bus stop when a drunken reckless driver flew into her in a car. The baby died on the spot, his mother received multiple injuries. The husband accused his wife of the fact that she could take the child to her grandmother and by taxi, avoiding the need to choke on public transport and stand at a bus stop. The wife accused her husband of the fact that he himself could have taken her and the child to her grandmother by car, but instead chose to drink beer with friends that evening. The couple were also ready for a divorce, but I gave them two similar examples from my practice. In one case, a mother and a small child stood at a bus stop in such a way that they were hidden from a car that had driven into her behind a lamp post, which saved their lives by taking the blow. However, in another similar story, the mother and child, who were also standing behind the pillar, still died, as the impact of the truck was very strong. The couple clearly saw that it was almost impossible to predict the future in such situations and made peace. And the husband stopped drinking.

- Another Svetlana and her common-law husband Nikolai lost their five-year-old daughter, who died from being hit by a swing on the head at the moment when Nikolai's eight-year-old son (from his last marriage) was swinging on her at high speed. Both parents were close, but no one had time to intervene in the situation, everything was decided in one second. After that Nikolai started drinking, and Svetlana tried to commit suicide. Both parents blamed themselves for the incident. Outwardly, it may well seem so. However, this joint family outing for a walk was no different from hundreds of similar ones. Obviously, the couple could not predict that something like this would happen on this particular evening. Fortunately, the couple were able to overcome their psychological breakdowns, three years later they became pregnant again and found a daughter.

- Anastasia and Mikhail, spouses and honored athletes, were thrown by helicopter to go fishing in the taiga. Where, with a large campaign, they had to raft by boats far from settlements. With them was their eight-year-old son Roman, who on the second day of the trip (calculated for a week) had an attack of appendicitis. While the child was taken out of the taiga, Roman died of peritonitis. Anastasia and Mikhail also blamed themselves and each other for what happened, but they could hardly calculate everything. This was their third trip to the taiga with their son …

Since the spouses were already over forty years old (they still had an older adult daughter), they decided to adopt two children from the orphanage at once. I fully supported them in this decision.

- Alina, eight years old, died of cancer. Her parents are divorced. The husband believed that after the terrible diagnosis was made, the wife had to quit her job and deal only with the fate of the child. Having found out that there were many cancer patients in her husband's family, she considered this outcome in her daughter's life genetically predetermined, and refused to continue living with him in marriage. After the divorce, the man wanted to go to a monastery and came to me to consult on this matter. Fortunately, I dissuaded him and now he has already had a son in another marriage. However, I am very sorry that these spouses, instead of overcoming the misfortune together, began to blame each other for what happened.

- Maxim, nine years old, lived in a rural area and died due to the error of rural doctors in making a diagnosis. The mother immediately insisted on going to the regional center or to the city, and my father believed that in a city without the necessary connections, no one would need them anyway, and here, although the village doctor is not very experienced, but to them, like to fellow villagers, there will be a more considerate attitude. How to assess the degree of guilt of the parents and to predict the prospects for the development of this situation in the future, even if they arrived in the city? Fortunately, here the parents were able to make peace and gave birth to another son.

- Masha, eleven years old, fell out of the window of the fifth floor when her mother called the apartment and asked to throw forgotten keys to work from the window, as she was too lazy to return home and go upstairs. The husband ironed his shirt with an iron, redirecting the task to his daughter. Unfortunately for the girl, it rained an hour ago, the windowsill was wet. When she opened the window and hung out, she easily slid down. Masha died in intensive care, mom and dad cursed each other for their laziness and inability to predict the outcome of this situation, divorced and shared an apartment among themselves for more than a year. Fortunately, we managed to help this couple too. Although by the time they approached me they were already divorced, I managed to convince the former spouses to have another child. They never got married, but they now have another daughter, Snezhana.

- Thirteen-year-old Ilya was beaten to death in a fight by his classmates. The teenager never asked them for mercy, and they themselves could not stop. Anna, his mother, considered her husband to be guilty of everything, who raised a real proud man from a son. After the memorial, beside herself with grief, she herself attacked him with a knife and almost killed him. Of course, we can assume that if Ilya were morally weaker and admit his defeat, they would be left behind. However, in the practice of my work there are also several stories when aggressive or drunk teenagers killed their comrades even when they asked for mercy and even offered money for it … This argument helped the parents to forgive each other, for the sake of their hero son, they went to IVF to be guaranteed to give birth to just one more son. Everything worked out well for them.

- Fifteen-year-old Daria died in an accident while sitting in the car next to her mother Yulia, when a jeep driven by a man who fell asleep at the wheel crashed into them on the highway. Alexander left home, considering Julia to be guilty, who could not dodge the blow. Yulia, sobbing, believed that if her husband bought her a more expensive car, and not a budget subcompact, her daughter's life would be more protected. But in the country, every day, people die while sitting in jeeps and business class limousines …

- Seventeen-year-old Stas crashed while trying to escape on a powerful motorcycle from a motorist overtaking him for "educational purposes". He was annoyed that the guy created an emergency situation for him on the road. Stas's wealthy father blamed himself for what happened, since he bought his son a motorcycle before he reached eighteen years old. The mother blamed herself for everything, because secretly from her father she gave her son the keys to the garage, when the son told her a touching story that he wanted to drive his beloved classmate around the yard, which mother herself liked. Mom was already fifty years old, as a result of which she could no longer get pregnant again. The spouses correctly decided to adopt an adult child, now they have the same athletic son.

I can give you hundreds of such stories … The question is, was it possible to avoid these terrible outcomes? To be honest to the end, in some cases it was possible. But just let's think together: "Does the exclusion of one of the deadly situations associated with our children guarantee us that we can calculate everything in another hour, day or year?" Of course not! No no and one more time no! Each new day of life creates so many dangerous forks and many options for the death of ourselves and our loved ones that it is absolutely impossible to take all this into account and calculate. And the modern level of medicine, unfortunately, still cannot ensure the salvation of all our children. An important direction of the Progress of mankind is the reduction of child mortality. The situation is improving. However, alas:

We can completely exclude the death of our children only when we exclude our own death.

Therefore, I do not advise you to take the blame for those cases of death of children, where parents were sober, sane, loved their children, always took proper care of them, and the death of children itself was the result of genetic failures, serious diseases, such tragic accidents, which can be corrected. there was no technical possibility for parents.

It is to these worthy parents who are seriously suffering from the loss of their children that my next lines will be addressed. In order not only to live correctly in the future, but also to properly survive the tragedy that happened to you, I recommend that you be guided by five specific recommendations.

Seven rules of family life in case of loss of a child:

1. To understand in detail and clearly the causes of the tragedy that happened.
2. To unite all family members on the basis of eliminating any harmful addictions (alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc.) and bad behavior (parasitism, crime, domestic violence, etc.). Help those who are willing to do so overcome these addictions. To part with a spouse who does not want to live right, whose behavior does not guarantee the life, health and happiness of existing and future children. Having a “weak link” nearby, it is risky to go into a new motherhood and fatherhood: where it is thin, there is usually, and it is torn.
3. Make a fundamental decision: have more children, adopt a child from an orphanage, pay maximum attention to your other children and / or grandchildren.
4. Make the right adjustments in your life to reduce the likelihood of a repetition of tragedies with your children in the future. Consult with doctors and psychologists, improve the conditions of your life and work.
5. Learn to live responsibly and fairly in order to reduce the likelihood of tragedies with children not only in your own country, but also in the people around you, in society, in the country as a whole. Our actions or inaction should not cause pain to other parents in our country.
6. Do not get hung up on the tragedy that happened, be sure to move on: set new goals for yourself in education, career, profession, sports, hobbies, etc. Pay more attention than before to loved ones.
7. In any difficult family situations and conflicts, when making your decision, be guided by the wishes and orders that dying children usually express to their parents.

What do they ask their parents and loved ones, knowing that they are no longer destined to be with them? They ask for the following:

- So that they have a little brother or sister with whom the parents can play, whom they could take care of instead of the children who died. And who will definitely grow up adults, become big, big, smart and beautiful, get their favorite profession, create their own families, start and raise their kids, make the world a better place.

- So that mom and dad never, ever cry or be sad. Including after the death of their children.

- So that mom and dad always remember them and, as before, love them.

- So that mom and dad are always, always together and never, never quarrel, do not swear, do not beat, do not offend each other.

- So that mom and dad, grandparents, all relatives and friends live happily ever after, never get sick.

- So that mom and dad always behave well (do not smoke, do not use alcohol and drugs, do not go to the police).

- For mom and dad to succeed at work, they would not come from her sad, but always only joyful and cheerful.

- To always have a lot of tasty and interesting things at home.

- So that mom and dad, brothers and sisters can travel a lot.

- So that no one ever offends children, so that there will always be peace on Earth, there will be no war.

- So that scientists and doctors, as quickly as possible, learn to save the lives of children and adults, make sure that people do not die at all.

These are the wishes of those children who, with all their hearts, would like to stay with their parents, but, unfortunately, this no longer depends either on them, or on their parents, or on doctors. It was them that I, with tears in my eyes, wrote down in my notebook when I worked with such children and their parents. It is by them that I now suggest that you be guided in your family life.

Live according to the precepts of the child who passed away from your life too early. Fulfill all his dream requests. Remember:

Children come to this world to make it better and brighter.

Children leave this world, also wanting to improve and illuminate it.

We, adults, create the light and darkness in the world where our children live.

Let's help the kids shine our own light!

Happy parenting in a happy complete family is always a ray of light and hope in this complex world. It is where he shines, where mom and dad are united in sorrow and in joy, that the best and most joyful thing is that children are born and grow up, they become smart, healthy and successful adults.

I wish you never face the death of your children.

If, unfortunately, you have already drunk this cup, find the courage to live on, to bear your marriage and parenthood with dignity throughout your life.

If the misfortune that happened to your child helped you to become better, more honest, kinder, to realize the full value of family, motherhood and fatherhood, then your child who left this world would praise you. I will praise you for that too.