Late Dates. Is There Love After In General, Decide For Yourself After How Many

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-31 14:10

Probably, we live too long for one love, - one of my clients said thoughtfully, - You suddenly realize that love is over, and living for a long, long time and it becomes so insulting. Or do you understand that love ended on the other side. She's just gone. And a person who once loved so much that he could not pass by you, sparks flashed, walks, and looks at you as at a beloved cow. So it is already clear that it's time to cut, but it's a pity. I'm used to it. Horror

And now, loneliness comprehends you, and you are already used to it together. I got used to sharing bed, food, worries, impressions and, in general, life. I got used to the fact that you have a witness of your being, your personal spectator, who then claps, then whistles, then snores in the middle of the performance, then throws you rotten tomatoes, and then showered you with flowers. I'm very used to it, you have been married literally all your life. And suddenly you are alone and, if you decide to open a new chapter, then with horror you realize that at 35, 40 or 50 everything is not at all the same as at 20.

First, you basically don't know how to get to know and what they do with unfamiliar men or women on dates, because at this level you are used to communicating with a person who has long been a "deep relative" to you. Secondly, you suddenly fall into childhood. Reflexes for communication with "boys" or "girls" regress right before our eyes. You are shy, you giggle stupidly, you blush painfully and cannot find a topic for conversation, even if in principle you are able to make a deaf-mute talk. I remember how on one of the first "first dates" I was so embarrassed that I blurted out "I feel like I was 14 years old." The man looked at me in amazement (he must have already got used to it) and sympathetically asked "Buy you ice cream?" Thirdly, falling into childhood is expressed in complete amazement that some "uncles" come to see you. You still feel yourself there, somewhere in your youth, when you yourself ran out on dates and just can't jump over the abyss of the years passed unnoticed.

And from all this horror, you in the heat of the moment decide that this is "not for you." Not that age and there is not so much foolishness to fall in love, and "you will get married here when there are only crocodiles around." In a word, no, no, no, and do not persuade. But man is a living creature, contradictory and created for love. At least I'm sure of that. And one night, you reopen your profile on a dating site, or give in to your friends' persuasion to meet "this nice man," or just like in a melodrama a handle comes off a suitcase or a wheel flips …

What to do? Opening a new chapter in this crazy book or not? And if so, how? Today I will deal with you in a Christian way. There are seven commandments in total. 10 something is not enough.

1. Know yourself

I mean, do at least a minimal amount of work to get to know your cockroaches. For today. Even those who have already gone through all the trainings, psychologists, "fire, water, copper pipes, damn teeth, Crimea and the eye." What is happening to you today? What do you want? Do you have the strength for a new relationship? What, in general, fills your life? It's dangerous to expect a happy meeting to fill the howling vacuum of loneliness. Normal people are repulsed by this, but unrecognized geniuses, unfortunate children of bitches, narcissists and abusers are attracted and how.

2. Dear wagon-esteemed

For some reason, a close relationship for us is not at all connected with respect. In general, yes, real intimacy is when you can fart and not die of shame. But still. We are already adults, and a new relationship is the right moment to learn to be careful. For example, do not yell, do not insult, but try to convey your message in a respectful manner. For example, be more careful with criticism and more generous with praise. Do not blame in any quarrel for all mortal sins. And, in general, learn to finally quarrel, praise and criticize. And still negotiate. Yeah, as with strangers. And then, you know, "evil tongues are worse than pistols," especially for relationships.

3. Space

Very often, in a mature relationship, a person needs more personal space. He's just got the most stuff out there than when he was 20. Memories, thoughts, work, children, creativity, friends, ex - the box is full. And for you the place will be freed up gradually. It is in our youth that we merge in ecstasy, without looking, and adults converge carefully. They have already had a separation into "I-not-I", or just happens during this period, when you take risks and try to find intimacy with a new, separate, completely outsider.

Armenian radio is asked: "How do hedgehogs breed? -Ooooo carefully"

And we feel our own territory much more sharply than before. We are already adults too. Amazing, but true.

4. What does a marsh butterfly want to me?

It is very important to be able to say what you want. Directly, in words through the mouth. We so often forget that not everyone had telepathy lessons at school, and we wait for the person to "guess by himself, because he loves me." Sometimes telepathy happens. You just pull your hand to the receiver, and it rings, you painfully want something sweet and suddenly he comes with cakes. And that's great. But this is a miracle. And in order for miracles to happen more often, you should directly say what you want. “I’m tired, I’m going to lie down,” not “I had a hard day,” or even just make a mournful face.

In order to say what you want, you need to find out about it somehow. And to find out … See point one. Try the simplest exercise for at least a week. Take a notebook and write in a row "I want …" Every day, 50 points, no less. And then another week "I want you to …", referring to the future or current election. A very interesting exercise. You may be very surprised.

There are other exercises and practices you can find, so try them. One way or another, you have to find out what you want. There is no other way. Unless only "the fascists will come and ask."

5. Expectations

What do you want from a relationship today? Usually, we have a template inside, a familiar knurled track, a melody of how it SHOULD be in a relationship. And if you do not understand, then you will just shove into this Procrustean bed those who come across you on your way. And myself. If at 20 you wanted children, a house, an apartment and always everything together, then today you may want something different. What? Why do you need a new relationship?

Sex? Romance? Support? Traveling together? Raising children who have not yet grown up? A close person to whom you can tell how good you are and how bad you are? Do you want him to fit in with your family and friends? Did you share your hobbies? Or is it not important? Then what is important? Think about it. Then breathe in, breathe out and discuss it with your partner.

As an honest woman, I must warn you: discussing plans and expectations does not guarantee you one hundred percent harmony, because we tend to change. And even if you both agreed that you are together for pleasant sex and travel, this does not guarantee that a) the other side does not play along with you in the expectation that you will change and want more b) you yourself will not want to be together in the process cooking, having a common turtle and going to a swing club c) your partner will not get tired of monthly hiking trips, etc. etc. So, from time to time it is worth "getting" your expectations and revisiting them to determine where you are today.

6. Money

Terribly indecent and delicate topic, but very significant. I remember once at the end of the first date I was shown:

- And you didn't even offer to pay for yourself in the cafe!

- Did you want me to pay?

- Of course not!

And these people tell us about feminine logic. However, now is not about that.

First, decide if you are ready, in principle, to talk about money or "talking about money kills true love"? And again, consult with yourself, what does it mean for you, in general, to admit the existence of money in a relationship. Then think about the essentials. At our age and in a financial sense, everything is different than in youth, when there was only a louse in the pocket on the lasso and was found. We already have something and we often expect something from a partner in this sense. What exactly? Who pays for the coffee? Who bears the main costs? How much income should your partner have? What if something happens to him? Will you have joint housing? If you buy an apartment, then who will inherit it? Do you apply for previously acquired property? Are you ready to claim yours?

And again, as an honest woman, I will say: not all of these issues can be discussed so directly, and you certainly should not share them on the first date. Money is like sex, even worse, because in a relationship about money, you can pretend for a long time that there is none. It's not like that about sex. He definitely is. But we still do not ask "Girl, will you have sex with you?" So, be delicate when talking about money as well. First, scroll through all the monetary topics on your own and understand what worries you more, what is less, and what can be neglected at all.

7. Don't compare

Comparisons are killer things for relationships. I'm not even talking about the fact that it is simply impossible to compare out loud. Imagine being compared to your ex. But the further the divorce, the lighter the image. And now it turns out that the former was the inventor of a perpetual motion machine, shaved three times a day, gave flowers and could drive all the nails of the world into all the walls of the universe. And the former had "hair up to the priests," three doctoral degrees, a TRP badge in shooting and such borscht that one could drown in a plate of happiness. When people begin to compare us to our exes, the uniqueness of the relationship that we have today is violated. We are together today and now, this has not happened before and will not be later. In this love, we are only together, and the constant "Lenin with us" can destroy any feelings.

Avoiding comparisons is important not only out loud, but also in your head. Learn the magic phrase "This is a different relationship." They are different in everything. It is very difficult for us not to compare, it happens almost all the time, especially at first, but we can not turn it into an obsession. Remind yourself that this is a different person, a different family and, most importantly, you are already completely different or different. Living in constant comparison is like sitting on two chairs at once, driving two cars at the same time, or eating herring and cake at the same time. Not worth it, honestly. Either the roof will move down, or it will vomit.

In a word, it happens. You are suddenly left alone. You fell out of love, you fell out of love, life divorced you from a man, or he died without waiting for you to "happily ever after and die in one day." And it seems to you that you will never again be able to find someone with whom you will be as good as it was once or as it never was. Today you are alone or alone. I am a woman, our side is closer to me, but, honestly, men also have a hard time. Yes, and that's all "women are from Venus, and men are from Mars." And what about normal people, somewhere on non-existent Pluto?

However, they say that a tram was recently launched there …

Friends, we are starting the Second Attempt online course. Each of you has a chance not only to find and build relationships, but to become happy. If you want, of course. Come! Let's talk

>