Marital Crisis After Childbirth, Or Why Are So Many Couples Not Going Through Their First Year Of Parenthood?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Divorce after the birth of the first child is a fairly common pattern in our society. According to statistics, most marriages break up in the first four years after marriage registration, as well as in the first year of parenthood. Despite the fact that the average age of marriage has grown significantly in recent years (25-28 on average), the number of divorces continues to increase. What is the reason?

After the birth of a child, the relationship in a couple moves to a new level. From dyadic (paired) they go into triadic (relationship of three). On the one hand, this makes the family more stable, and on the other, such relationships alienate the spouses, there is a distance due to greater attention to the child. The appearance of the first child changes the functions, rights and responsibilities of family members; for the first time, spouses are faced with the ideas and expectations of their partner about parenting. It is necessary to agree on new rules of life, redistribute responsibilities, make compromises in some matters to the detriment of your usual desires - and it is against this background that many conflicts, quarrels, misunderstandings arise.

Both a woman and a man after the birth of their first child are faced with a reality that often does not coincide with what they imagined. And given the fact that most modern young families already live separately from their parents, motherhood and fatherhood in the first months and years becomes exciting and alarming, because they do not have round-the-clock help and tips, the responsibility completely falls on their shoulders. Thus, mastering a new role becomes stressful both for the personality of each of the spouses and for the relationship between them.

Having a baby is a test of strength and cohesion in a relationship. Everyone, without exception, faces conflicts, but not everyone succeeds in going through this crisis stage and getting out of it to a new level of relations. What are the most common reasons that lead to a crisis in relationships after the birth of a baby?

New responsibilities

With the birth of the first child, not only a new life appears, there are new roles and statuses for the spouses. From now on, they are not only husband and wife, but also mom and dad. And these roles impose on them a huge number of responsibilities: physical, moral, material, psychological. For many, adjusting and mastering a new life schedule is not easy. Against this background, mutual claims and grievances accumulate, which is aggravated by physical and psychological fatigue, which is also an integral companion of parental happiness.

Therefore, for spouses who are preparing to become parents or have just become parents, it is important to understand that changes in life and relationships are normal, since there will not be any before (at least for some time). And you need to try with all your might to adapt to the new life, and not waste your energy trying to return what it was before. To negotiate, to voice their expectations from a partner (and not just to expect by default), to regularly review who takes on what functions in the family (if, for example, only a woman prepared before giving birth, then after the birth of a child, you can sit down and discuss how and who will now implement this function).

Consistency, flexibility and the correct distribution of roles and responsibilities among family members helps her to function normally. Therefore, it is very important that each family member is well aware of his role, the role of others, and that his behavior is consistent with this knowledge.

Parenting roles

Another factor that destroys family harmony and gives rise to sometimes insoluble conflicts is the inconsistency of role representations. Both men and women have certain ideas and expectations of what it is like to be parents. These expectations are born both from personal childhood experience and from fantasies about how we would like. It so happens that spouses are faced with a mismatch between their expectations and the actions of their partner. Against this background, disappointment, dissatisfaction, anger and, as a result, reproaches, quarrels, thoughts "it seems that I do not know him (her) at all" can arise.

And here it is necessary to realize that ideas about parental roles and functions are not absolute, there are a great many ways to be a “good mom” and “good dad”. Therefore, you should discuss and articulate each of your actions and decisions, explain why you want to do this, tell why it is important to you. Indeed, by and large, the goal and task of each pair of parents is the same - the health and happiness of the child. But there are an unusually many ways to achieve and implement this.

One of the most common examples of this kind of conflict is a picture when a spouse devotes all his time to making money (this is what he sees as the realization of his paternal function - to provide for the family, as, for example, as his father did), and the woman is offended and experiencing dissatisfaction with the fact that he “does not take care of the child” (because in her picture of fatherhood there is not only a financial component, but also an emotional, everyday, etc.). Therefore, it is important to learn to discuss all your expectations and ideas, speak directly about your feelings if something does not suit you (and not start reproaching), look for a common vision of your parenting.

Change in sex life

Sexual relationships are an important aspect of the intimacy of partners. But, as a rule, most women during pregnancy, as well as in the postpartum period, experience a decrease in libido (sexual desire), and this cannot but affect sexual relations. In addition, when a mother is breastfeeding a baby, prolactin (a hormone responsible for milk production) also reduces the drive. And if motherhood is not easy for a woman, and she is emotionally exhausted, then libido decreases to a minimum. And how can her body think about reproduction (and this is how nature intended the purpose of sexual relations), if she already cannot cope and is under stress?

Therefore, men need to understand that the change in sexual relations is due to the action of hormones, and not to see the possible coldness of the spouse as a reproach to his male self. It should be realized that bearing, giving birth and feeding a baby for a woman's body is a difficult task, it takes a lot of effort and resources. A woman is going through a unique bodily experience, and her attitude towards her body can also change. The spouse can help the mother of her child to live this period without unnecessary reproaches, supporting and helping in everyday matters, so that she has more time to recover - physical and psychological, and then the wife will have more time and desire to resume her previous sex life.

Communication difficulties

Communication is a valuable relationship skill. But, as practice shows, not everyone master it and consider it necessary to learn the art of communication. How many people prefer to “play silent” during a conflict, avoid direct conversation, or pretend that everything is in order? And how many, on the contrary, prefer to make a scandal with throwing dishes and slamming the door? Both the first and second options are not the most optimal ways of responding in a conflict situation. And when a child is born, and the couple is going through a stressful period, emotions run high, the ability to understand the other decreases, and the number of conflicts increases.

To survive the already stressful period of the first year after the birth of a child, spouses need to improve communication skills, try to listen and hear each other, try to understand the reasons and motives for the other's behavior, and not just defend their demands. Simple questions like "what do you mean when you say / do this …?", "Why is it important for you?", "How can we solve this problem together?" "Let's try to come to an agreement?" can significantly improve your communication. And the ability to articulate your feelings in response to your partner's actions, the lack of evaluative statements and generalizations (“you don’t listen to me as always!”, “Why can I never get attention from you?” house, but a dump!”) will help strengthen relationships and live through the stressful period of the first year of parenthood.

Communicate, try to see not only your interests. Remember your important goal and priority values, and then not only the first year of parenthood, but also your married life in general will be happy and long for you.