The Idealization Trap And Disappointment

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Idealization in the psychoanalytic concept is a defense mechanism of the psyche, which consists in exaggerating the merits of another person and minimizing his shortcomings. What does idealization protect against? From meeting the reality and imperfection of the world, from the fear of disappointment, which is experienced quite painfully.

In idealization, there is always a lot of room for manipulation. In itself, idealization at the initial stage of relationships (both love and friendship) is a normative process. Each of the participants in the relationship tries to present both himself and the Other in the best possible light. Attraction can be based both on the merger (common interests, tastes, preferences, values), and on their difference (admiration for certain qualities of the Other, which he lacks himself).

The ideal image of the Other is always based on past experience and is accompanied by such a process as stereotyping, that is, ideas about what a partner should be. The image of an ideal partner is formed on the basis of the needs of the idealizing person (both satisfied and frustrated, as a result of which the idealizing person forms a certain, his own image of another participant in the relationship, due to which he wants to satisfy his needs.

In idealization there is no place for a genuine Meeting - Meeting with a real person, with all his shortcomings and vulnerabilities.

The idealized person is trapped in the expectations of the idealizing person, trying, out of fear of losing the relationship, to conform to the invented image. And thus, he does not meet with himself. Plays a role, does not live. He finds himself in the grip of the role assigned to the Other, loses freedom and natural spontaneity. It takes a lot of effort to maintain the image, such clients most often make a request for lack of energy, or describe their feeling with the words "I am not living my life." He turns out to be responsible for the expectations of the idealizing person and begins to experience feelings of guilt and shame if he fails to meet these expectations and loses his freedom, his right to be himself. As a rule, those who are accustomed to the fact that love must be earned unconsciously fall into the trap of idealization. These are the so-called "good girls" and "good boys", who in their adult life often find themselves in the "Procrustean bed" * of partner's expectations. In other words, this is an artificial measure that does not correspond to the essence, naturalness.

The underlying cause of idealization is the age-old children's longing for the ideal parent. I am disappointed - it means that I had hopes that another would be able to satisfy some need of mine. It is through disappointment that we can discover the amount of hopes that we had in the direction of another person and our needs that we wanted to satisfy with his help.

Disappointment is one of the most dire threats to Meeting Another. It is experienced when the image of the Other person is destroyed in my eyes. It resembles a feeling of resentment, because in the charm there are expectations from the Other, who is unconsciously endowed with the responsibility for conforming to the invented image. Responsibility and power.

And then the bombing of the partner begins with accusations - for the fact that he turned out not to be what I wanted him to be.

And to cope with the pain of disappointment, another defense mechanism of the psyche often turns on - devaluation. As George Kalin said: "Inside every cynical person lives a disappointed idealist." I want to devalue what was valuable. To devalue the significance of the Other, not recognizing their responsibility for their charm. Like all defense mechanisms of the psyche, devaluation leads to distance from oneself, one's needs and distance from people. Devaluation anesthetizes, but the relationship ceases to be alive, real, real … It prevents further personal development and the development of the relationship itself, the achievement of genuine intimacy with oneself and a partner. The one who is devalued, in order to protect his integrity, begins to move away and build his own defenses.

Disappointment has its own goal, which is to discover your needs, needs, vulnerabilities (acceptance of your own imperfection), and also to see your partner - not in the form of an invented image, but in its integrity, reality and imperfection. And then - to make a decision about what to do in contact.

To be disappointed without devaluation is difficult, but possible. But it takes courage and honesty. To discover your imperfection and to cope with the imperfection of the Other. Take responsibility for what to do with your sore spots and relationships.

Disappointment is an integral part of psychological maturation, which involves accepting the imperfection of the world and Others, being in contact with reality, and reconciling with it. It's not easy to accept your disappointment. After all, then you will have to return responsibility for your charm to yourself. And, perhaps, for the satisfaction of those expectations that were placed on the partner. But only through disappointment can one come nearer to a real and genuine Meeting. First - with yourself, your needs and requirements. And through oneself - and with the Other in his imperfection. This is how growing up and movement towards love happens.

Love cannot be demanded to be earned, it can only be given and received.

* PROKRUSTOVO LODGE, in Greek mythology, the bed on which the giant robber Procrustes forcibly laid travelers: at the tall ones he chopped off those parts of the body that did not fit, at the small ones he stretched the bodies.