Idealization And Depreciation As A Defense

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Why do we need a defense mechanism based on depreciation and isolation? When is it better to use it? When does this defense become pathological?

To understand this topic, first you need to understand - how is idealization formed?

Imagine a small child, 1-2 years old. Already at this stage of life, the baby has a feeling of omnipotence - everything happens because he wants it. In fact, similar sensations can occur as early as infancy. Then this feeling of unlimited power and strength collides with reality, and the child begins to notice that he receives all the benefits for a reason - all this is presented to him by mom and dad (who is to some extent more, and who is less, respectively, the child is on someone of them imposes more idealization, some less). Nevertheless, the figures of the parents for the child remain strong, they provide the safety necessary for him and the satisfaction of many needs.

So, thanks to this idealization, the child easily copes with all panic fears, difficulties in life, illnesses, life-threatening situations, etc. He knows that there is always mom and dad nearby - he will come running to them, he will be protected.

However, in reality, no one remembers their very first experiences when we are faced with horror and unsightly reality (people can be angry, hurt, hurt, etc.). Another of the turning points - the child begins to go to the garden and encounters other children who do not want to share toys, take them away from the baby. Over time, he develops a sense of injustice and hostility from the world around him. And here you need to understand that the little person has reliable support and receives emotional protection from the parents. Discussing various situations at home, mom and dad calm down the baby ("Well, don't worry! It's okay"), make a decision for him, explaining his further behavior ("We will do this. Next time tell this boy (girl) then "something and that"). It is quite obvious that the child has a feeling that everything is fine, because the parents are nearby.

On the other hand, idealization in a relationship can be quite difficult.

Why is that? The whole point is directly at the root of idealization. For example, a child asks the mother: “Mom! Please turn off the rain, I want to go swimming! . In this case, he sincerely believes that mom can do it, but does not want to. As a result, the child is not reassured by any maternal arguments; he can get angry, indignant and complain. Accordingly, in adulthood, when idealization is imposed on us, it can be annoying.

Each person is more or less prone to idealization. You need to understand that the normal degree of idealization is a necessity for mature love, because we feel the need to ascribe some special dignity, special power and skills in relation to those people on whom we are emotionally dependent.

Why? We want to believe that they are something more!

At the same time, in the course of the development of normal de-idealization and devaluation of objects of attachment, this is an important stage for the process of separation of the individual. Not a single normal teenager or, for example, an 18-20-year-old young man (girl) will leave home and begin to live their own independent life, sincerely believing that home is the best place in the world that was, is and will be in his life.

That is why it is necessary to devalue all this to some extent in order to find your way, make your mistakes and acquire new skills and knowledge. Alas, for some people, idealization never ends. Such personalities tend to "give" all their lives to a person they liked, attributing to him special qualities (he will save me, protect me from my panic fear of the world and generally make my life wonderful). Such idealization is characteristic of people with a narcissistic personality organization. Relatively speaking, these are those who have not gone through the stage of de-idealization of their parents (they can express their hateful attitude towards them verbally, but inside this depreciation was experienced).

If a person is inclined to such a primitive idealization, this means that he suffers rather painfully and his own shortcomings, so his internal dynamics of the psyche will require an ideal that you can “grab onto” and expect that he will somehow secure his life. Thus, further, thanks to others, a person will confirm his attractiveness, success, fame, strength, etc.

As a consequence, all other character traits of narcissistic personalities are derivatives of this need for idealization, and they do not go beyond this protection. Such dependence on other people, on their recognition persists for a long time. Surprisingly, the basis is the conviction that one can love only for development, otherwise a person considers himself worthless and bad, respectively, and depreciation immediately follows.

Primitive devaluation is a very important step, because in order to see the world as real, you must first devalue your ideal, erected on a pedestal. As a rule, the process itself is emotionally very bright at first, then dark. In a healthy version, the process of depreciation gradually flattens out, and a person begins to realize that next to him is the same as he is. If this did not happen, hatred and negative attitude towards other people for all their human shortcomings and imperfections will persecute a person in any relationship.

Unambiguously in life, every person has come across people "stuck" in the process of idealization-devaluation. They can change partners in the hope that each next one will turn out to be the ideal one that they want to rely on (often unconsciously, because when the process becomes conscious, it begins to align).

How does this all happen with an example? When meeting with another possible partner, idealization comes to the fore ("Wow! This is just an ideal man (woman)!"), Then after a while a completely opposite attitude towards a person arises ("No, I was (a) wrong (a) ! This person is the same as everyone else - he farts, his mouth sometimes smells bad, constantly makes some mistakes in life, and he does not do what I would like to do”). All this does not correspond at all to the inner line of the personality's beliefs, it does not happen as it should be, therefore a person devalues his object of idealization and goes further in search of the best. The situation can be repeated many times. What is the task of the psyche in this case? Accept that humanity is imperfect, give yourself the right to be imperfect and learn to love not for an idea, development, glory - no! To love simply because, first of all, you are human. And you need to love yourself first, and then others.

There is a second side to idealization - when you become an object yourself. How does it manifest? The person who idealized your figure sees all the best in you, admires you, exalts every action, puts you on a non-existent pedestal. Here you need to remember that it is very painful to fall from this throne, and how quickly you were lifted to the pedestal, just as quickly and overthrown. As a result, we get deep inner disappointment and burning bitterness, which is why frustration occurs. The conclusion is that you need to be ready for this, you should not fully engage in this idealization, give your whole soul to the process. Bask in the gentle sun of glory, but understand what this will ultimately lead to - to depreciation. The reason is already clear - either this process was not performed in relation to the parental figures, or something went wrong directly during idealization and de-idealization (for example, idealization was incomplete - the person could not fully rely on the mother figure, therefore he is currently looking for an object who will be able to protect and nurture him; he could not devalue the parents - in this case, a variant of acting out the situation will be played with each partner).

So, what is the solution that idealization and depreciation is looking for in a primitive way? Allowing yourself to admit that humanity is imperfect, and that's good! You can live in peace in such a society, and this is not a disaster! But the inner horror and the overwhelming sense of a large-scale problem can be balanced with some other resources. But each person has their own path to reality.