Express The Inexpressible

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Inexpressible sadness

I opened two huge eyes

Flower woke up vase

And she threw out her crystal…."

O. Mandelstam

For the first time, how his mother cries, Alyosha heard at the age of six. Then she went to the bathroom and turned on the water so that she could not be heard. After all, tears do not always know how to flow quietly. And she probably did not want to frighten and upset her son at all, to burden him, so small, with her adult feelings and experiences.

But Alyosha was a very sensitive boy. He pushed the door to the bathroom, walked up and strongly pressed into his mother, merging with her into an uterine whole, whispered words of love.

He took vows and promises to always protect, not abandon, be a support, care and love forever.

Remembering the heroes of fairy tales and films, he promised to grow up as soon as possible and certainly become strong. He spoke very adult words: about the fact that she does not need to hide, he knows, he has a very strong mother. He believes that she can handle everything in her life. And he will help. And therefore, she does not need to hide her tears, to be strong especially for him. He is not afraid of mom's tears. And he's not afraid at all.

True, while saying all this, Alyosha cried himself. He cried and was not afraid.

And my mother took a chance. And somehow it was already too late to push the tears back.

And she wept for the man who never loved her, that romantic, stupid girl who naively thought of the all-conquering power of love. I thought that her love could someday compensate for the lack of his feelings. Her love is enough for two, enough for a lifetime.

Then she cried for her grandmother, who was slowly losing her mind.

She cried about her mother, who was lifting her heavily hysterically alone.

She cried about her friend, who, without entering the institute, stepped off the roof of a Moscow high-rise building.

She cried for her dog, who died long ago.

She cried about Alyoshka, to whom the children said something offensive in kindergarten. And he stood in the playground and cried as she ran to his rescue.

I cried about the trees cut down in my grandfather's garden….

And then she was very tired and stopped crying, although she was still full of sadness and sadness from all these thoughts and memories.

She was very surprised at how much unmourned grief she still carries in her soul. Grief, which I tried to ignore, deny, displace, but could not. It remained in her, a scar tissue that brought together the edges of many wounds. Unmourned grief lingered in her without any consent or permission, and the inexpressible uninvited guest sat in her. And now, thanks to the words of Alyosha, it has expressed itself. The inexpressible was expressed.

Expressed in tears, not destructive habits.

Many people find it hard and ashamed to cry. It seems that you will burden another with heavy feelings, shake him up, alarm him, and you will be out of place with all your feelings.

Many people are afraid to cry. It seems that you become weak and defenseless, open and vulnerable to everyone around you. Others may, unwittingly or on purpose, misuse your openness against you. And then it will hurt again. Another grief, another wound.

Crying really honestly is not easy. And also one of the most important things that you can do for yourself and others that this place, time, space for your feelings and tears gave you.

The ability to admit his grief, not to deny, to meet him, to walk with him for some time, and then go his own way, all this is necessary for a person,.

Although it is easier to pretend that you are strong, invincible, that you will not cry. But what can your soul become then?

Probably an onion wrapped in many dry layers of grief, layer on layer of grief. Endlessly.