2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Dialogue with the client:
- We have no problem expressing feelings. When I have something to say to my husband, I always say
- And how does he react to it?
- He also expresses everything to me … Therefore, we have constant scandals.
Different families deal with each other's feelings differently.
In some, it is customary not to burden others with problems, to restrain themselves, to avoid conflicts even when they should have spoken.
In other families, it is considered normal to sort things out very emotionally - yelling at each other, reaching insults and humiliation, throwing things, breaking dishes.
In general, with all these options for communication, families can live quite well for themselves (if it does not come to real violence), but this relationship can hardly be called harmonious.
Both methods are bad in one way - rarely when in this way it is possible to achieve mutual understanding and a solution to a specific problem. Sometimes, the truth should be silent and hush up the situation, sometimes you should argue openly. However, if any of these communication options becomes familiar, if the family communicates only in this way - avoiding conflict or scandal - most likely each family member will feel incomprehensible, feel that he is not very important, not very valuable to another feel discontent, constant irritation or resentment.
How should you deal with feelings in the family?
It is believed that it is useful to express emotions. Everyone knows that if feelings are suppressed, you can get seriously ill, and if you express everything that you think, it immediately becomes easier. But does this mean that it is important to express emotions and feelings in any form whenever you want? It turns out that an emotional person is an unrestrained person?
Feelings can be expressed in different ways. Hitting someone with a stick is also an expression of feelings, although hardly anyone would call this an acceptable way of communicating. Before expressing your feelings to your husband (wife), it is useful to ask yourself - why am I doing this? what do I want in return?
Dialogue with yourself:
“I want support” - is he (she) ready to support you now? do you know for sure? may ask first?
“I want understanding” - can he (she) understand you now? no need to fantasize - just ask
“I’m so tired (s) during the day that I can’t calmly react” - the husband (wife) is not your psychotherapist and not the toilet bowl to drain all the negativity during the day. He (she) can listen to you and calmly take your irritated tone, but is not obliged to do so.
“I think he (she) is wrong and I will prove it!” - Do you really think that in an open war you will reach mutual understanding?
These phrases can go on for a long time. Their meaning is that feelings and emotions are important, first of all, to understand. Emotions and feelings are a marker of certain needs. They help us understand what we want now and what is needed in order to feel good. Expressing feelings is helpful in order to get what I now need from another person. But at the same time, it is important to evaluate the capabilities of this other - is he (she) ready to listen to you, regret, support, take care of you? For example, it is hardly appropriate to express your grievances to a husband when he is late for work and is nervous in the morning. But it is also harmful to fantasize - “why am I going to complain, he has enough problems even without me…” - you can simply ask: “I so want to share with you… can you just listen to me? (or can you praise me now for being so good?)"
The degree of tolerance for feelings in the family is certainly an indicator of family well-being. When the family has a place to accommodate different emotions, when it is possible to show both sadness and joy, and anger and fear, not to be afraid and not ashamed of it - then we can say that the relationship is strong and trusting. However, tolerance for feelings does not mean emotional incontinence.“Expressing feelings” does not mean relieving tension in quarrels and scandals. Expressing feelings is important when there is some need behind this feeling - the need for support, care, approval, gratitude, acceptance, love or recognition.
One client complained that when he started “expressing his feelings” to his woman, telling him how hard it was for him at work, how scared he was to start something new, she first supported him, and then began to perceive him as a whiner and a rag. In the end, he left her himself.
Often in a relationship, partners perceive each other as the only source of satisfaction of the need for support, care, safety. It seems that the other is simply obliged to listen, support, encourage, take care, console - after all, what else is a loved one for? At the same time, it is forgotten that the other may also at this moment have their own thoughts, their mood, their own needs. In the above example, the woman may have gotten tired of being a “vest” all the time, supporting and comforting the man. It also happens that it is difficult for another to endure the difficult emotions of a partner. Perhaps the woman got scared when the man began to show her his weaknesses and got angry at this.
Expressing feelings in the family is useful, but it is important to understand where, when and how to do it.
(dialogues and stories are fictional or compiled from different cases, all coincidences are random)
Author: Travnikova Anna Georgievna
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