Boundaries Are Paired. Abuse

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In psychology, there is a concept of personal boundaries. Intimate area, personal space, social space, external space.

In Gestalt, the concept of boundaries is a little broader and denotes the phenomenon of the interaction of people or a person with the environment. The point is that boundaries are where two differences meet.

For example, the physical boundary is the human skin, this is the place of contact between the body and the external environment. Same your boundary will be to simply indicate out loud what you want or don't want. The husband said that he wanted tea, and the wife said that she wanted coffee - their boundaries regarding the desire to drink are clear, they are different, you can do something with them, discuss or argue with them. If one said to himself, and the second is silent, it means that he does not mark his border, we do not know anything about this second, and when the first will give him not what he wanted, who will he blame? More often than not, not yourself.

Psychological boundaries are formed from the idea of oneself, what is right and wrong, permissible or prohibited. Let's imagine the boundaries as a circle, in the center of which is the personality, outside - the environment.

The scheme of human contact with the environment by Marina Ionycheva

The boundaries are too close, if you are easily controlled by other people, if you do a lot for others to the detriment of yourself, you do not know how to refuse. That is, conventionally, the boundaries of the environment invade the circle and it becomes smaller.

What to do: Assign your aggression and restore the border.

The boundaries are too far, if you always know what is best for others, resent and give advice, ignore refusals and other people's opinions in general. In this case, the circle will climb onto the boundaries of the environment and itself becomes larger.

What to do: recognize that people have the right to be different from you, accept your powerlessness to change them, pay attention to your own needs.

Borders are adequateif you freely refuse or agree, relying on feelings and feelings, and not rules and obligations. The boundaries are flexible, depending on the situation, they move away or approach. Exchange with the environment is also in equilibrium: a person freely takes (opportunities, resources) and gives (money, gratitude).

You can feel your boundaries based on the sensations in the body. The body always reacts first. As soon as something happens in the outside world that makes you feel emotion, the body wants to react. For example, you were pushed into the subway and you got angry, your natural desire will be to restore the violated personal boundary, in word or deed. But you are too well brought up and keep silent, pursing your lips. The rest of the day you have a headache, blame it on the weather and take a pill.

The restrained emotion led to tension in the body. Moreover, the experience of emotion does not always mean an instant reaction right there, a response slap in the face or something else. It is enough to admit to yourself, and say: wow, I am angry now, I would give it to him!

I pay great attention to working with the body in the process of psychotherapy. A person may not understand his feelings and not recognize emotions, and the body always reacts. Now the leg twitches, fists clench, then suddenly tears will flow out of the blue. The body is an excellent indicator of internal processes.

How to restore your boundaries if they are violated? Or someone regularly violates them, that is, acts as an abuser (English abuse - to abuse, abuse, insult).

For example, your partner constantly ignores your agreements. Or mom tidies up your closets while you are out, despite your protest. Anything that happens against your will, against your word, your desire, can already be considered psychological violence. The word NO does not need explanations and additions, this should be sufficient for an adequate person in a dialogue.

It takes a healthy dose of aggression to restore your boundaries. A number of difficult steps are needed: to realize that something is happening, get angry, feel these emotions in the body, then formulate in words what you want from the offender and voice it out. A psychologist can help with this.

Try to formulate your NO for loved ones. For example: I do not want you to take my things in my absence. Or: I am very angry with you and ask you not to do this, otherwise … (add your own version).

I wrote about partnerships separately, what you should pay attention to when building a relationship, and if a violation of agreements occurs regularly in your couple, this is a wake-up call.

Important:

• the one who is used to offending a partner (abuser) will not change by one willful desire, no matter how many promises you make. Changes in psyche and behavior require a lot of time and long-term psychotherapy.
• Abusers are not born, they become as a result of upbringing the same parents. This does not mean that the person is bad, it just does not suit you.
• psychological abuse can be invisible, but if a physical one has begun, this is an excuse to run away to a safe place and break off all contacts.