Don't Shout At Me Or Aggression Paired

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

What is the difference between aggression and cruelty? How does aggression affect the general background of the development of relations in a couple?

As a rule, in the everyday sense, aggression means cruelty. However, this is fundamentally wrong. Translated from Greek, the word "aggression" means "to go to", and "cruelty" - "to act against the will of man."

From the point of view of psychology, in the context of cruelty, it means the breakdown of contact, violation of boundaries, omnipotence on the one hand and powerlessness on the other. Aggression, on the other hand, means strength, respect for boundaries, and contact. What does it mean? If a difficult situation arises in a couple, partners try to make a decision based on inner strength, respecting the boundaries of the other person and being directly in contact with him.

How does it look in practice? It is always a dialogue between two partners, a search for common points of contact, a common future, when in a couple it will be possible to talk and behave accordingly, satisfying the desires of each other. If one of the partners informs the other that he did not like a particular situation and the feelings experienced at the same time, next time I would like to see a completely different behavior, he is ready to hear in response “I do not agree (s), I feel good like this. If I behave differently, the general perception of the situation will change, and I will also feel bad."

Quite often, in married couples, partners unconsciously suppress aggression towards each other, not understanding what this will eventually lead to. How does a woman suppress aggression from her spouse? These are statements of the following character: “Oh, how loudly you shout at me! Why are you raising your voice? "," Why are you demanding this from me? Don't demand it! " What happens to the man? It shrinks strongly internally. Out of love for his woman, next time a man will try to spend less time with her so as not to offend her. At some point in time, a woman will personify a fragile vase for her partner, and if he allows himself to inhale and exhale deeply, she will fall and break into small pieces. That is why the man shrinks and does not allow himself to breathe freely.

Perceiving the loud voice of a partner as an aggressive act and against the background of this, presenting mutual accusations to each other, partners kill aggression and, as a result, sexual relations in a couple. The reasons for accusations on the part of a woman can be different (for example, an overwhelming regressive state after childbirth).

However, regardless of this, a mature and adult woman should perceive her man accordingly. This is a rather important aspect that affects the relationship in a couple - when one partner takes the position of an adult, and the other behaves like a child, it is impossible to adequately assess the current situation and make correct and balanced decisions.

Examples of a man's suppression of female aggression - “She's a hysterical woman. She has PMS. Just think, it always shouts! . In the overwhelming majority of cases, men do not think about the reasons for this behavior of a companion, do not try to figure it out and change something.

As a rule, we want to suppress the partner's aggression in order not to feel guilt, shame and fear - all these feelings break contact. If a person does not try to get away from guilt and shame, he is able to admit: “I am ashamed of my behavior and blame myself for my actions. But why are my actions wrong?

Of course, I could have shouted less, but I am the same person, like everyone else! This doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.” In general, a detailed analysis of one quarrel can take up to a month of daily discussions. Such terms are quite acceptable, and it is much better than hushing up feelings and accumulating grievances. However, in many couples, grievances are hushed up, although there is a downside - in some situations, it is better to remain silent.

If partners hide from each other their feelings of bitterness and frustration caused by an unfair, abusive attitude towards themselves, this leads to a gradual accumulation of resentment, frustration, anxiety and distrust. Then paranoia and psychosis sets in. In addition, in a couple, problems of a sexual nature begin - at the stage of attraction (if the partner has ceased to be interested in my experiences, in response I will take revenge and respond in kind), at the stage of arousal (the partner is still interesting sexually, but there is no response), to stages of orgasmic discharge. In all cases, one partner begins to unconsciously blame the other - “Look what you did to me. You are so disgusting to me that I cannot want you, do not come near me."

A similar model of behavior (to accumulate everything within ourselves) has been instilled in us since childhood. However, for a more productive relationship in a couple, you need to express everything to your partner - what suits you and what does not. In a dialogue, it is important to choose a form of communication so as not to offend a partner, on the contrary, he (she) must hear and understand what is said.

Accordingly, the accumulation of resentment leads to unspoken aggression. The best way to express aggression is to talk to your partner. It is worth verbalizing everything that happens to you on a bodily and emotional level (I am unhappy. I am annoyed. I am unhappy about this. I don’t feel like a man in moments… I don’t feel good when…). It is imperative to choose the right words so that the partner hears and does not perceive the dialogue as an accusation in his direction.

The topic of unconscious suppression of aggression in each other by partners is a separate topic that is associated with an internal unconscious fear of aggression, sometimes fear of relationships (the closer one of the partners gets emotionally, the more vulnerable the other will be).

Why is it necessary to unconsciously suppress aggression in a partner? You can draw an analogy between a partner who is closed in his feelings and is silent, not wanting to express the accumulated resentment and bitterness, and a black box - it is impossible to understand with whom the relationship is being built, how productive it is and whether the partner is good with you.

If you want to build a trusting, respectful, and generally positive relationship with your partner, it's important to get feedback, no matter how enjoyable it is. The contrasting feelings of shame or guilt experienced at the same time allow you to grow above yourself and directly in the relationship.

Personal growth is essential when building relationships. You can refuse this option, but at the same time the person will feel internal dissatisfaction with an incomprehensible etiology.

So, for a comfortable relationship in a couple, you need to be able to see a person (his interests, needs, desires), and for this you need to show aggression towards your partner and adequately perceive an aggressive attitude towards yourself, while maintaining boundaries, strength and contact.