2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Is it good or bad to play the role of mom or dad, to patronize your partner, or, conversely, to allow your partner to patronize yourself?
In reality, there is nothing wrong with that. The most important thing is not to stay in one of the roles forever. Sometimes a neurosis requires to be amused, but this does not mean at all that you need to worry about this - all people are neurotic to some extent, there are no completely healthy people.
We are all dependent on our body and its needs, on various life circumstances and the people around us. As long as we are alive, we are all interdependent. Neurosis is present to one degree or another in everyone's life, in some cases temporarily. For example, a person needs to satisfy a certain temporary need. He cannot do it on his own, therefore he is forced to turn to others - this is already a neurosis. However, you should not worry about the development of neurotic relationships - from time to time the neurosis should be comforted, this is the body's need. That is why you should not put the stamp of "neurosis" on the relationship.
"Relationship" is a broader concept than "neurosis". The problem appears at the moment when people become dependent on such relationships, on what the partner directly gives in the relationship, on the fact that he (she) plays the role of a mother. The timing of the appearance of dependence on the role of a partner in a relationship is absolutely unimportant. Both a man and a woman can become a maternal or paternal object, observing all boundaries and laws. This is quite important, given that a person cannot cultivate this function on his own, as well as rely on it in the future. At this point, the problems begin.
How is it right and how should it be? Relatively speaking, there should be a change of roles in the family: today I am your mom (dad, brother, sister), tomorrow you are to me. The famous American psychiatrist and one of the founders of family therapy, Karl Whitaker, in his book "Dancing with the Family", or "Midnight Reflections of a Family Therapist", described the hierarchy in the family system. It is and will be, as in any system in which there are more than three people (there will be a leader, a "scapegoat" and so on).
What is important for the family system according to Karl Whitaker? Eliminate sticking on one role. For example, if the same person is always the "scapegoat", he suffers the most, and accordingly, the family system is not stabilized.
In his youth, the psychiatrist was engaged in the treatment of schizophrenics. Over time, he noticed a pronounced trend - after the end of treatment in a psychiatric hospital and returning home, schizophrenics again turned to psychiatrists for help. The thing is that the family again awakened psychosis. That is why Karl Whitaker decided that he would treat people only with families - mom, dad, daughter, son, grandparents. According to the psychiatrist, the more family members attend therapy, the deeper the problem will be worked out. This approach is quite effective in the West, but it is difficult to implement it in the CIS countries. In addition, it is important to be able to stay in the chosen role and switch on time.
When it comes to healing in relationships, you can get rid of some of the trauma by working through it emotionally; satisfy deeply unmet needs from childhood; heal shallow pre-verbal trauma associated with increased anxiety and trust (formed at the age of 1, 5 years). In the latter case, it is important to understand that if there is no trust, the person will not be able to get satisfaction with his partner and deal with the trauma he received earlier.
Pre-verbal trauma is best worked out with a stranger; satisfying other needs can be worked out with your partner, especially if you allow yourself to get away from standard scenarios. Communication with a completely new personality, not similar to objects of attachment in childhood and adulthood, will provide an invaluable experience, but it will be difficult, since in any case projections from childhood experiences are included.
When can the roles played by partners in general negatively affect the relationship? If one of the partners becomes a mom (dad) for the other, but does not see a backlash, gratitude. The recipient of the maternal or paternal figure develops a state of frustration, the second partner is confused and does not understand at all what is happening. In such a relationship, no one will be completely happy.
Codependent relationships aren't always bad either. If a couple has been married for 20 years in a codependent relationship, it is impossible to break the connection immediately. In this case, it is very important that both partners understand what exactly is the problem, what is interfering. The second step will be to recognize the existence of the problem as such and, accordingly, to gradually exit the codependent relationship.
Thus, in a relationship, it is important to accept from a partner everything that he can give (maternal care, paternal custody, etc.), not to demand something impossible from him and not to turn it into a function.
What does "function" mean? This is a distorted perception of a partner - must take care, look after, bring food, cook, clean, wash, kiss, look into the eyes with devotion and tenderness. In this case, it is sticking to one role. If
the role of a mother is played, you do not need to be fully involved in these duties. For example: a husband is in a bad mood, you shouldn't play the role of a mommy (“That's it, something happened to my son, that's why he is in a bad mood”), you need to be able to distance yourself from each other emotionally. In a relationship, it is not necessary to decide everything for each other, fully live the life of your partner, be interested in his interests and satisfy all needs. In periods when there is not enough resource in life, it is difficult with friends and colleagues, a partner can fill this gap; however, if he is not ready for this, you have no right to demand.
Recommended:
L.S. VYGOTSKY Play And Its Role In The Mental Development Of A Child
When we talk about play and its role in the development of a preschooler, two main questions arise here. The first question is about how play itself arises in development, the question of the origin of play, its genesis; the second question is what role does this activity play in development, what does play mean as a form of child development in preschool age.
Boundaries Are Paired. Abuse
In psychology, there is a concept of personal boundaries. Intimate area, personal space, social space, external space. In Gestalt, the concept of boundaries is a little broader and denotes the phenomenon of the interaction of people or a person with the environment.
Personal Boundaries Paired
Feminine nature is very sensitive, vulnerable and emotional. When a woman falls in love, she often forgets herself and begins to devote almost all of herself to a relationship and a partner. During falling in love, merging occurs when there are no boundaries either for oneself or a partner.
How To Play A Major Role In Your Life Or A Brief Analysis Of The Adventures Of Pinocchio
It is known that even in childhood, listening to fairy tales, we choose one, the most attractive for us, the main character of which is somewhat similar to us. At the same time, without realizing this similarity, we are happy to listen to the same fairy tale over and over again.
FRENDZONA Or What Role Do You Play In Friendship
"- I have a boyfriend. Well, as a guy, rather a friend … I don’t want to write him down as a “guy,” but as a friend, I can’t lose either. And he insists on a serious relationship. - Why don't you tell him that you see him as a friend?
