Gestalt Therapy Techniques For Working With Codependent Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I recommend reading to potential clients who are already ripe for psychotherapy and realize that they are most likely inclined to codependent relationships:

• You don't feel happy in a relationship, marriage, but you stay in it.
• You are being cheated on, you are not happy with it, but you stay in the relationship.
• Your spouse humiliates and insults you, but you endure all this and cannot end the relationship
• You've had a series of relationships in which you weren't happy and you don't believe in relationships at all
• In every new relationship, you are used and it ends badly.
• There is physical abuse in your relationship.
• You often think that all men are "goats", or all "women are bitches" and it is impossible to be happy
• You have tried many times to end the relationship, to divorce, but it does not work
• In a relationship, you experience an emotional "swing": you hate and want to break up, but again forgive and hope that your partner will change
• You have no idea how you can get a divorce - this thought is terrible
• Breaking up with a partner scares you so much that you are ready to endure in a relationship something that has not suited you for a long time.

What is a codependent relationship?

A codependent relationship is a relationship between two psychologically dependent people. To feel psychological independence, such individuals need another person who complements and creates psychological completeness.

Codependents cannot feel and act completely independently, so they "hold on to each other."

In this kind of relationship, people are unhappy, but they also cannot break up.

Each partner's attention is focused on the other, not on himself. They control each other, blame and constantly want to change their partner.

In such a relationship, partners do not openly express themselves to each other, all communication is based on manipulation. Favorite game in codependent relationships - Karpman Triangle (Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor).

Through this manipulative play, codependents try to satisfy their needs.

Reasons for psychological addiction:

• Dominator model of society (built on the domination of one group over another, for example, patriarchy);
• Psychotrauma before the age of 3 years;
• Raising in a dysfunctional family.

What are the main psychological problems, the presence of which makes it possible to assert that there is one or another degree of codependency?

1. Focus of attention outside (on other people), and not inside (on yourself), dependence on other people and on their acceptance. Example: such a person is more interested in what others will say about him than his own assessment of himself;
2. Absence or weak development of psychological boundaries - there is no clear understanding of what he wants, what he does not want, what he likes, what he dislikes - does not understand - is this what the partner or I want?
3. There is no stable idea of oneself and of one's own value - constant support and approval from other people is required, criticism of others can reduce the feeling of one's own worth;
4. The use of alcohol, food, sex, work, television as a means to get away from experiences or to realize some needs that cannot be realized naturally;
5. Sticking to the position of the Victim, denial of responsibility, infantilism, feeling of powerlessness and impossibility to change anything;
6. Weak contact with one's own feelings, feelings, self-distrust, closeness, reliance on ideas that exist in the family and society, rather than trust in one's own experience;
7. Expecting others to take care of their wants and needs.

There are also tests for codependency that you can take on your own and find out the degree of psychological dependence.

What strategies and techniques of gestalt therapy can be used in the psychotherapy of codependent relationships?

There are three such basic strategies - “RELEVANCE, AWARENESS, RESPONSIBILITY”. Next, I will describe each strategy in more detail and give examples from psychotherapeutic practice.

1. Relevance - the principle of "here and now"

Probably you will not find such a psychotherapeutic direction that does not use the principle of "here and now" in its arsenal. But gestalt therapy became the pioneer.

Those who are in codependent relationships spend a lot of energy on fantasies about their partner, his behavior. And then life happens somewhere far away - either in anticipation of a "bad future", or in old childhood traumas, or in illusory ideas about a partner.

Such departures from the present create a huge drain of energy, and can also cause anxiety, helplessness and "stepping on the same rake", establishing relationships with inappropriate partners.

The life that exists somewhere in the head is, in fact, a huge problem for people who are prone to codependency.

Examples from psychotherapeutic practice.

Situation number 1

The person has completed a codependent relationship. In general, everything was already clear - the partner does not fit, and it will not be possible to build a satisfying relationship with him. But for some reason the image of the “former” (former) emerges, and “love continues”. And this "love" can last for years: the reason for its vitality is that it is only in fantasies, and to an unreal image, which has nothing to do with the real "former".

Situation number 2

A codependent woman says that she is not satisfied with the behavior of her husband for years, that he does not change in any way, continues to offend her again and again. Her attention is either in the past, in those events when her partner has already hurt her, or in anticipation of another "spit", but never "here and now." But only in the present can she take risks and defend her boundaries, say what she wants and does not want, and perhaps the relationship will become a little more comfortable and satisfying.

The technique of returning to the "here and now" is the acquisition of one's own supports and resources. Human experience and life by and large is what is happening right now. And now you have everything to be happy.

The Gestalt psychologist invites the codependent client to move into the present and find the resources to change the situation that he has now.

Examples of using the “here and now” technique in the above cases.

Solution to situation number 1

The key to ending a codependent relationship is to get in touch with reality, with what is now. Who is your former partner? What's going on now? Is your love really directed towards a real person, or more towards an ideal image in your head? How do you feel now? And when you come into contact with the "here and now," it may turn out that you are afraid to get acquainted, to enter into new relationships, and therefore it is easier for you to dream, remaining in a safe cocoon of your fantasies.

Solution to situation number 2

In an active codependent relationship, a gestalt psychologist may suggest that you listen to yourself in the "here and now" and hear what you want from your partner, and what does not suit you in any way, with which you do not want to put up under any circumstances. And then the codependent client can change his behavior in the present - to tell his partner what he wants and what does not suit him. Thus, both attention and energy move from past grievances and future expectations into the present, into the sphere of action and change.

2. Mindfulness - the practice of awareness

There are three areas to be aware of:

• Inner world - sensations, feelings, emotions, thoughts
• Outside world - events, actions of people, environment
• The intermediate zone - fantasies about the inner and outer world

To be aware is to keep your attention on everything that arises in consciousness.

Awareness is a spontaneous natural process. The task of psychotherapy is to restore this process. Thus, contact with oneself will be restored, a better understanding of one's needs.

For codependents, restoring contact with themselves and their needs is one of the main and most important tasks.

Description of the exercise. The therapist invites the client to maintain awareness by speaking out loud all his experience, beginning with the phrase: "I am aware …"

It is advisable to perform the exercise for at least 5-7 minutes.

You can interrupt the naturally ongoing process of awareness with the following things: conjectures, fantasies, assumptions, accusations, explanations and excuses.

When you perform the practice of awareness in a consultation, in the presence of a gestalt psychologist, there is an opportunity to receive prompt feedback on your individual interruptions in the process of awareness.

It can be said that almost every consultation in one way or another contains the practice of awareness. Not necessarily classical performance in the form of a continuum of awareness. These can be interventions of a psychologist aimed at separating the inner, outer worlds and the fantasy world. And restore the natural flow of awareness.

An example of a dialogue from the "Scary Dreams" demo consultation - link to the full recording of the consultation

The psychologist separates the fantasy world, the outer world and the inner world

Client. and I think I’m thinking interesting hours, that is, this is not just a boring lecture, but with conversations, their active work. And the high school students generally greeted me with the utmost skepticism, and this skepticism knocked me out of my rut. I'm like "hehey, friends" to them, and they "well, what do you say now"? Then I failed))

I felt like I was in an exam with 25 teachers))

Psychologist. I understand you. It's not easy with high school students.

And what was their skepticism expressed in, Olya? How do you understand?

What do you mean failed, Olya? What happened? Now we are talking about a specific situation, which was?

Client. I felt skepticism somehow on a physical level. On their part, it may have manifested itself in an appraising look. I can't say exactly where I got the information about their skepticism for myself, but my own thoughts about such a reaction gave rise to anxiety, which, I think, was felt. They just got bored pretty quickly. divided into groups (as they sit at desks)

Some continued to interact with me, and some began to go about their business.

Psychologist. Olya, what does it mean you feel on the physical level? How does it feel?

How do you understand that their gaze is evaluative? On what basis do you make such a conclusion? Does everyone have the same look? Olya, what you just described is similar to your conjectures and fantasies. And it seems that you yourself already guess about this, because you write: "I can't say exactly where I got the information about their skepticism from."

All this leads me to such assumptions: that at first your thoughts arise about the skepticism of students, in response to these thoughts you feel anxiety.

Thus, anxiety arises in response to your own fantasy thoughts about students, but not based on factual material about the real reactions of students to you.

Do you think this looks like the truth?

Client. Yes Yes Yes

and there is. Thus, I once drove myself into a real depression. with your imagination. I constantly wind myself up, but still I try to notice and calm it down

but it turns out it rarely)

The restored process of awareness becomes a support, an internal reference point, a compass, this is the resource that everyone has, but, unfortunately, due to many reasons (psychotrauma, dysfunctional family), you lose contact with it.

In a dysfunctional family, turning to oneself, one's experience is not encouraged; the child is taught to suppress his natural reactions and act in accordance with the desires of adults.

An example that describes this situation grotesquely:

Joke. Mom from the window calls her son. - Izya, go home

Mom, am I cold?

No. Would you like to eat!

The practice of awareness opens up access to repressed feelings. Dysfunctional families are taught to suppress negative feelings: anger, fear, greed, anger. Therefore, people with codependent behaviors usually have very little experience in recognizing the origin of these emotions.

And these emotions are as important as all others, they help to orientate, defend, interact with other people. Through negative emotions, you get information about what you don't like, about breaking your boundaries, and much more.

Awareness practice teaches you to separate reality (inner and outer world) from fantasy and speculation (intermediate zone). You start to see the difference between information from your senses and fantasies, erroneous assumptions.

Reliance on your own sensory experience - this is the basis for the development of autonomy and independence, which is so necessary for people inclined to codependent relationships.

Of course, the gestalt psychologist helps to separate reality from fantasy in the beginning. And gradually you start to take your little steps in this direction in your daily life.

Also, for people prone to codependency, an important task of psychotherapy is to first notice their inner world (sensations, emotions, feelings), and why learn to rely on it, making this fulcrum the main one in your life. Because with codependency, the focus of attention is shifted specifically to other people and their reactions to the detriment of themselves.

3. Responsibility

It will not be an exaggeration if I say that the hallmark of gestalt therapy is the technique of responsibility, or work with responsibility. Immediately in this context, I recall the anecdote about the light bulb.

- How many gestalt therapists do you need to twist a light bulb

- One, but she needs to be ready for this.

And in working with codependency, the issue of responsibility is one of the key ones

A habitual manipulative game in codependent relationships is Karpman's Triangle - Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer.

In general, the game is characterized by the fact that those who play it do not take care of themselves and their needs directly, but expect this from the other person. Expectations are not met and the situation repeats itself in a circle along with emerging emotions - resentment, guilt, shame.

In my work, I often hear how a client describes what is not satisfactory in a relationship to a partner and the following phrase sounds: “Maybe it’s my fault? I'm doing something wrong.”And in fact, yes, playing the Sacrifice is also a responsibility.

But this is not a fault, it is a responsibility. Responsibility for your choices, for doing nothing, you admit that they do this to you. And then it's your responsibility, but not your fault, in building boundaries - taking care of your needs.

Practical example - The girl is not satisfied with something in her partner - he communicates with friends, goes fishing, does not go anywhere with her, but all the dissatisfaction accumulates and develops into an insult. Then the scenario develops as if the partner is to blame, he does it all himself. An expectation is formed that he will understand all this himself and change.

Years of life pass in this scenario. Dissatisfaction, resentment, tension, anger accumulate, alienation arises.

What does gestalt therapy offer in this situation?

First, of course, it is worth investigating what you do not like so much about your husband's fishing trips, his communication with friends. And in such a study, it can be found - that, in fact, you also want to somehow have fun with your friends, but for some reason you expect some changes from your partner, or that he himself will guess.

The technique of responsibility is to try to take care of yourself and your needs on your own, to abandon the Karpman Triangle and all the roles associated with it, but simply to realize what you want in life, despite all your fears and fears.

Also, the technique of responsibility works in building the personal boundaries of a person prone to codependent relationships.

Awareness of your personal boundaries - what is acceptable and unacceptable for you, and showing yourself in contact with your partner, showing your partner your boundaries and establishing new rules of interaction.

Often one of the codependent partners takes on the role of the Rescuer and is too invested in relationships, tries to do everything for the partner, to do what the partner can do himself.

The way out of this interaction pattern is to move in small steps. - you step towards and watch what happens to your partner - does he take his step? If the partner does not take any steps, then the question arises - do you need such a relationship in which everything lies with you, and you are no longer an equal partner, but rather a parent, do you want to constantly pull everything on yourself?

All three basic techniques of gestalt therapy “Relevance. Mindfulness. Responsibility”is interconnected, works as a single well-coordinated mechanism

In the here and now, you become aware of what you want and take responsibility for taking care of your needs and actions in real life.

In my article, I showed how a gestalt psychologist works with the problem of codependent relationships. Of course, there are still many techniques in the arsenal of gestalt therapy, which are discussed in my next publications.