Why Pay A Psychologist If You Have Girlfriends?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Recently I came across an excerpt from the TV series "Sex and the City" where Carrie tortured her friends with stories about what a goat the man of her dreams turned out to be, how he did not see such a beautiful, smart and funny, extraordinary, talented, sexy - Carrie and that he had a finger she's not worth it and will soon bite his elbows when he realizes whom he has lost! But it will be too late!

How could he exchange ME for a skinny fashion model Natasha and marry her! How blind and ungrateful one must be! Someday he will die old and lonely and I feel sorry for him! He missed his chance.

At first Carrie's friends listened to her sufferings for a long time and steadfastly, but after a while, they were so tired of this endless stream of words and emotions that they decided to tell her the truth: "You are obsessed with the man of your dreams, we are fed up, there is no more strength." …

Carrie responds resentfully: "Isn't it possible to whine in front of your girlfriends at the moment of breakup?"

The girlfriends agree: "You can, of course, but wouldn't it be better to whine in front of a psychologist?"

Carrie is offendedly surprised: "Why pay someone if you can pour your heart out for free, and at the same time have something to drink? I do not need the help of a professional, I have you."

To which Samantha says: "Yes, even for 10 minutes - then we cut off the oxygen and the control shot." Carrie takes offense again: "I don't need therapy, I need new friends."

To which the girlfriends respond: "We are as freaked out as you are. It's like one blind man leads the other. Sometimes it's helpful to talk to someone with an open mind."

This fragment from the film reminded me of my past, when I also annoyed my friends with my emotional experiences about another unsuccessful relationship.

At first, they listened with pleasure and supported me, gave advice, offered to score, to throw everything out of my head, they said that this person simply did not suit you and did not see it. In general, they supported me in every possible way, gave me advice!

But their patience came to an end. There were still feelings in me, I was still licking my wounds after another disappointment, and they just didn’t have the strength to listen. I realized that I was already annoying them with my constantly suffering appearance of the victim. After all, it was all repeated over the years.

Men, as objects of love, changed, but the essence of suffering remained the same. The same story repeated itself in my life, like a melody on a worn-out record. And I did not understand at all what was happening in my life and that I was falling into the same scenario.

Yes, I also took offense at my friends that they were tired of my whining, and I continued to suffer alone in splendid isolation, thinking that no one understood me. At that time, my picture of the world simply did not exist that I could turn to a psychologist for help.

Rather, I heard about such people, but they seemed to me some kind of distant, incomprehensible, strange, that mentally unhealthy people who cannot deal with their problems themselves are turning to them. And if I go to a psychologist, then by doing so I kind of admit my weakness.

Admitting that I failed and asking someone for help is like admitting my problem, defeat. So I thought then. Well, I'm strong and healthy, I can handle it myself! I'm fine, I'm not sick!

And in general, how can I go to a completely stranger, because I don't know him, can I trust him, how can I open up. I'd rather read the books myself and watch the video and figure it out. I'm not some kind of fool!

So then, I did not see an option for myself to resolve my issues with a psychologist, and I did not understand the people who turn to psychologists either.

Years passed and I really figured out a lot myself, mountains of books, articles were re-read, gigabytes of video materials were revised. I realized how much in life can be changed with the help of psychology.

But I ran into a problem that I couldn't solve myself. And the idea came to me to start going to a psychologist. I was advised to have a good gestalt therapist and I decided on this experiment.

I remember how much I was nervous and did not sleep the night before our meeting. Thoughts were spinning in my head:

Who is she, what is she, how will she react to me, how can I open up to a complete stranger, what are we going to talk about?

Suddenly we do not like or do not suit each other. I was very anxious and ashamed to tell something about myself, especially why I came, something I could not cope with on my own.

I imagined that it would be such a mom who would examine me under a microscope, condemn me, teach life and make diagnoses.

Can she help me? Will she understand my pain? How can simple conversations help, I thought. I was scared, but at the same time interesting.

And I was also sorry to pay money for simple conversations, why pay? If you can not pay? As Carrie said. Maybe it will somehow resolve itself and get better?

I thought, God, why did I do it, why made an appointment, I can cancel everything and live in peace. It seems that everything is fine. Now I know that most people face such internal resistance to change.

However, I plucked up courage and went to the meeting with a long-forgotten feeling, like before an exam. I decided that I would go only once, somehow survive it, and then dump it under some pretext.

What happened next, you ask?

In the first session, I received so much acceptance, warmth, understanding and nonjudgment from my psychologist that I was dumbfounded.

They see me, they don't judge me, they understand me, they don't punish me, they don't devalue my suffering! I was in a pleasant shock, as I got a new experience of interaction with a stranger, unknown to me before.

And I was looking forward to the next meeting, because I liked them so much. But even so, every time I experienced resistance before the session and wanted to escape. But when the meeting ended, I thought how good it was that I did come.

I still remember many moments and insights and they help me in my life. I got to know myself even more. Although many of the realizations were not pleasant, they were the most useful and promoted me the most.

Our joint work continued and more and more often I began to catch myself thinking that I want to do the same, I want to be a psychologist! I liked this process so much - sincere, non-judgmental communication with a person heart to heart and the results and transformations that can occur. It's like touching people's souls, building relationships on a completely new level of interaction. It was a very valuable experience for me.

Probably, I was lucky that I got to my psychologist and I remember her and our joint work with great warmth and gratitude.

Many years have passed and now I myself have become a psychologist and also continue my personal therapy. Of course, my opinion about psychologists, clients and their work has completely changed.

And if you take our example with Carrie.

What is the difference between a friend and a psychologist - here and there we speak out and it becomes easier. However, sometimes, to a friend, we cannot say everything 100% sincerely. We may have limitations, mutual acquaintances, a friend will not give guarantees that she will not tell your story to someone else, it is often just a shame to tell something, as it is very personal and intimate, which we are afraid to admit even to ourselves.

And sometimes you don't want to admit your mistakes or destroy your own myth about your partner. What if everything is going to work out and he will come back? Because until recently you admired and told them how wonderful he is and how you love him and this is the best man on earth and everything is just perfect in your relationship.

But the most important thing in my opinion is the difference. If you do not just want to speak out, throw out your emotions, but also solve your situation, break out of the same scenario, then your friends will not help you. Because girlfriends are part of your usual scenario in which you tell them the same thing for many years.

The scenery is different, the men are different, but the conversations and experiences are the same. And this has its own certain thrill, its own sweetness - building relationships for years, being disappointed and then reveling in your sufferings with your friends.

A psychologist will help you see your situation from the outside, you will identify your roles that you constantly play, you are aware of your leading mental state, which shapes the events of life, attracts certain men, look at your situation as if from the outside, and then you will decide for yourself whether you want to continue play the same repetitive game or want to reach a new level of relationship. And discussing completely different topics with your girlfriends.

If you have made the decision to change something in your annoying life, then it is your girlfriends who can be an obstacle on the way to change. They are then accustomed to your general roles and may unconsciously replay the usual scenario with you.

And there is another interesting fact that I observed on myself more than once. When close people or friends tell us something, even if it's the coolest advice or interpretations, we don't seem to hear it.

But as soon as we start communicating with a stranger, a fellow traveler on the train, a psychologist, then the same thoughts said to others can immediately dawn on and the puzzles will instantly come together! Sometimes it seems as if we heard for the first time what we heard many times before and understood everything.

And Carrie also told her friends: "After all, ancient people somehow survived without psychologists." To which Miranda reasonably replied: "Yes, but only the limit of life of ancient people was 30 years."

And we are no longer ancient people. The world does not stand still. The time has come to treat carefully and with confidence, first of all, to himself, as well as to his friends and girlfriends.

And when you feel that you yourself can no longer cope, do not see a way out, and really want to change something in your life, then you can always count on someone's professional help.

Another question that I used to ask myself, but now I often hear it from others - can I work on something myself without outside help?

I will say - of course you can, I have achieved a lot in independent work on myself.

But there are concepts like blind spots and psychic defense systems that will prevent you from getting close and healing the most painful issues on your own! You yourself simply will not see them, you will not understand what the problem is and how to solve it. But a professional will easily see it.

In conclusion, I want to say - I adore and love my friends and I need them, are important and valuable, without them my life would be very boring and incomplete. And I am happy to share my events and thoughts with them. But now I'm not overdoing it.

And if I feel that I am stuck in problems, I cannot cope on my own and really want to solve them, then I work in this direction with a psychologist. And this is a guarantee for me that soon the situation will change for the better and I will stop walking in a vicious circle. And I'm fine and my friends are happy!

Psychologist Irina Stetsenko