Narcissism Firsthand

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I keep getting PM requests to tell about daffodils in the first person. I'm not sure that I would like to be remembered by you from this angle, but I just can't resist. I feel a bit like a guide in the jungle, inviting young naturalists to put on cork helmets and walk to the nearest tree, where a daffodil is comfortably settled on a branch after a night hunt.

So, representatives of this breed feed on attention and delight - this is a well-known fact. But few people know exactly how we get our food. A true purebred narcissist acts subtly and discreetly. After all, attention, in order to be edible, must be voluntary - this is the main condition for proper digestion. We don't like it when the victim is wringing his hands and begging for mercy. If we want to see tears in your eyes, then these are tears of delight. If we want to hear groans, then groans of admiration. Narcissists are gourmets by nature and will happily bring you to orgasm (emotional, physical, aesthetic) in order to fully enjoy the attention and respect they deserve.

The stories that narcissists lure victims with sweet promises are also not entirely true. Nobody is looking for anyone on purpose. You usually find us yourself. Because your own traumas require realization. This is a strange longing inside, when everything seems to be fine, but something is missing. For example, personal growth, or vivid impressions, or adrenaline in a new relationship. You go to a training session, to a concert, catch the eye of a stranger in a bar - and that's it, you're gone. Well, how did you disappear? Voluntarily, of course, because your boundaries are your responsibility. Like your favorite vampires, we can only enter where we were invited.

You have, of course, been told that narcissists are callous, selfish, manipulative, and demanding of worship. This is true, but they forgot to tell you that it is all hidden deep inside. But outside you will come across an absolutely bright and charismatic, but infinitely gentle and sympathetic person. Perhaps he will even seem to you touching, incomprehensible and lonely. Such a detached prince charming. Oh, those injuries of yours. Someone will immediately want to save him and warm him up. Someone will fall head over heels at first sight - not with a narcissist, of course, but with a personally invented image. But did that stop anyone? It would even occur to some cunning poor fellows to use this acquaintance as a social lift. Poor fellows. This is the case when the mouse imagines itself a cat J

From the first word in the company of a narcissist, you will be easy and comfortable. And after a couple of meetings (and mind you, you yourself will find a reason to continue communication), it will seem to you that you have known each other for ages. There will be common interests and tastes, necessarily a comparable scale of values. And most importantly, you have never met anyone who would be so sincerely interested in you. Narcissists listen well and ask a lot of questions. You will not even notice how you blurt out everything about yourself, your childhood grievances, divorced parents and a drinking uncle from Saratov. We are by nature excellent at mastering the skills of effective communication. Otherwise you will not survive. No gross flattery. Only sincere interest and participation, only help and support. Are you relaxed? Of course. Meanwhile, from the very first meeting, they eat you.

When I posted this text on my blog on Facebook, "benevolent" and curious readers almost brought down the messenger for me. However, I was a little alarmed by the questions: how to catch, how to deceive, how to become the same, how to take revenge. There will be no schemes for traps, methods of making skin and recycling potions, do not ask - this is in the interests of your own safety. Some have already accused me of promoting narcissism, spitting quotes about perverse narcissists from dubious sources. By the way, there is no such term in the academic literature. But there is a division between narcissistic trauma, narcissistic personality disorder * NRL *, accentuations (the line between the official "norm" and "pathology") and healthy narcissism. Let's discuss NRL as a separate item. By the way, I don't have it. It's official.

So to the question about "how to live with it." It is generally better not to live with partners with personality disorders. It's my personal opinion. Because NRL is such an emotional swing that even healthy people get dizzy. Sometimes the distance from "I am the king of the hill" to "fu, I am a complete nonentity" is one step. Therefore, an ideal image is projected into the world, and inside everything is compressed from fear that you will be revealed, condemned and ridiculed (hello, childhood traumas). Hence the manipulation, suspicion, emotional abuse and the desire to subdue.

In other words, NRL allows a person to feel himself only through someone else's touch, see only through someone else's eyes, evaluate only through someone else's confessions - therefore, someone must always be there to touch, say, "you are here, you are alive, you are beautiful." A partner is a donor, and it is scary to lose him. The need for love is unlimited, but it is impossible to accept this love, because the person with ADL does not love himself, does not feel and even despises. And if you still managed to love him so insignificant, then you were led by the image, which means that you do not really love, so you should be despised. And if you really love, then doubly despise - because you are a weak-willed slug who is ready to endure everything for the sake of insignificance. So you are worth a penny, and you should not be praised and thanked, but spread rot, so that they know their place. And further in a circle.

So this story is not about you at all. And you don't have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of love. A narcissist with an NRL cannot be “loving” to the desired condition. Whatever you do, it will never be enough for him. When inside, instead of a full-fledged personal structure, there is a black hole constantly sucking resources from others (because there are no others), it is difficult to build healthy relationships. A person with a personality disorder sees themselves and the real world as in a distorted mirror. You shouldn't try to understand this from the standpoint of healthy logic - a waste of time.

Of course, you can build relationships with narcissistic personalities - albeit with certain reservations, which I will discuss in a separate article. With a daffodil, you are always the best and most beloved - that is why it is so easy to get carried away with beautiful words and lead to the stormy delight that you cause in us. At least at first. Isn't it nice to hear that you are the smartest, most beautiful and economical? We feed on your positive emotions, it is not just pleasant for us, but it is vital for us to see that you are glowing with happiness. After all, this once again confirms our own exclusivity.

Well, what is this callousness and narcissism, you ask? And the fact is that if you decide that compliments are given for YOUR merit, think again. You are the best only because WE always choose the best. Narcissists tend to attribute your uniqueness to themselves. After all, in fact, we only love our reflection in you. We, so beautiful, cannot have an imperfect wife, an inattentive husband, disobedient children or an uncleaned apartment. We always have everything at the highest level. And from partners we expect perfection, well-being, quick reactions and ease of being. And if you do not match, being an ordinary person with pluses and minuses, then we quickly become disappointed, cool down and … more often than not, we simply forget about you as an unsuccessful project.

But it also happens that the narcissist (and here we are not talking about healthy narcissism) fixates on a former partner - it seems to him that he has deceived the hopes placed on him and wasted precious time. It turns into a suitcase without a handle - it's a pity to leave, but impossible to carry. And then "love" becomes "hate."Narcissists never feel guilty - the reason for failure is always different. And you can continue to use such a partner, squeezing emotions out of him, but with a minus sign. This is exactly the case when passive aggression, gaslighting and manipulation are used. And the narcissist "has to" feed on tears and suffering - because this is a "well-deserved punishment" that is borne by the one who deceived his expectations. I repeat - this is not about healthy narcissism inherent in the majority, but about pathology - about those very terrible "perverse narcissists" who came to us in the form of tracing paper from the English language and occupied a whole niche of Internet tales. And now it is already useless to negotiate with them, to explain or prove something. Any attention only prolongs the agony and turns your attempts exclusively into food.

And yet, don't demonize narcissists. It is not worth demonizing anyone at all - just as, in fact, idealizing. First of all, because the human psyche is difficult to fit into the given framework. You can stigmatize and systematize as much as you like, but, as with any Procrustean bed, in order to fully comply, you will have to lose either your legs or your head.

Yes, all of you who consider yourself healthy are a little daffodils. And this is okay, because narcissism is an integral part of a healthy personality. When you want to be praised for a successfully completed project, when you strive to earn more, when you choose a successful man or a beautiful woman, when you want to eat deliciously and live chicly, when you buy stylish things, do exclusive designs in the bathroom, and even when getting a tattoo so as not to being "like everyone else" can all be classified as manifestations of narcissistic traits.

Flamboyant personalities - writers, charismatic politicians, famous psychologists and popular actors - most of them fall under the definition of "narcissist". That being said, not everyone has narcissistic trauma or personality disorder. It's just that they are representatives of "A personality" - achiever, ambitious, go-getter - everything that we call a "successful person".

Narcissism is as much a personality trait as sociability or humility. It cannot be turned on or off. Someone is naturally measured out a little more than others. Of course, manifestations of narcissism can be controlled and believe me, most intelligent socialized narcissists play by the rules. What you call manipulation becomes the ability to adapt to circumstances. Coldness - rationality, demonstrativeness - creative self-expression, selfishness - sanity and the ability to calculate the consequences.

The tiger can be afraid, it can be trained, it can be admired, its population can be preserved. This does not in any way negate the fact that this is a potentially dangerous predator. It's the same with people. In order not to live in fear of the unknown, learn materiel and quit the habit of hanging labels. After all, every time you like your own reflection in the mirror, the same narcissist looks at you, the meeting with which you are so eager to avoid.