7 Deadly Sins Of Narcissism

Video: 7 Deadly Sins Of Narcissism

Video: 7 Deadly Sins Of Narcissism
Video: Narcissist 7 Deadly Sins (Warning Signs and How to Protect Yourself) 2024, March
7 Deadly Sins Of Narcissism
7 Deadly Sins Of Narcissism
Anonim

7 DEADLY SINS OF NARCISSISM.

1. Shamelessness

Shame is one of the most unbearable feelings of a person - regardless of his age and life situation. Unlike feelings of guilt, it does not indicate a mistake, but rather the suffering associated with a common personality flaw. At first, we feel ashamed in front of our mother or another person to whom we feel strong attachment from early childhood, when, starting from the age of one, we (as a rule) open up our emotionality to her, but instead of sharing the joy with us, she frowns and says: "No!" The unexpected disapproval of the mother destroys the illusions of power and importance that are present in our view of ourselves in early childhood, which are generated by our close relationship with her. We were kicked out of paradise without any warning, and this could only happen because we are bad. We feel that we are bad, and therefore we are.

For some children, such an experience, which in the process of their socialization is repeated over and over again, becomes so difficult and even crushing that they never manage to completely step over it, and they live their whole life avoiding everything that makes them feel ashamed. …

The shame of the narcissistic personality is so intolerable that the means that were developed in childhood no longer help her. What psychologists call ‘bypassedshame’ looks like shamelessness or shamelessness lurking behind a protective barrier of denial, coldness, judgment, and rage. Since there are no healthy internal mechanisms to process this painful feeling, shame is directed outward, away from the Self. He will never become "my fault."

More typically, the shamelessness of the narcissistic personality manifests itself as cold indifference or even immorality. We feel that such people are emotionally empty, and we may decide that they are thick-skinned, self-confident, or indifferent. Then, quite suddenly, they can surprise us with their reaction to the smallest incident or manifestation of indifference. When bashfulness seeps through the barrier, these "shameless" people become who they really are - extremely sensitive to the manifestation of shame. It is then that you will see a flash of pain followed by rage and rebuke. When the stench of shame penetrates the wall they have created, they are filled with vengeance.

2. Magical thinking

The need to avoid the feeling of shame creates a constant problem for the narcissist, because everyday life constantly causes experiences that require humility, and such experiences do not immediately go away. There is always a person better, more beautiful, more successful than us and generally superior to us in everything, no matter what we think. However, the fact that we are all imperfect is little consolation for the narcissistic person, since she considers herself an exception to this law of nature. The challenge for the narcissistic personality is to remain "inflated" inside, to keep at a distance such an unpleasant reality for her. The ways she usually does this involve a significant part of the distorted illusion that psychologists call "magical thinking."

The fantasy world of the narcissistic personality has a seductive charm that promises to make you special too. Their superficial flair fascinates you, and narcissistic personalities are often complex, vibrant and attractive when they drag you into their narcissistic web. The feeling that you are being singled out to attract increased attention can be dizzying anyway, but when your fan is a narcissistic person, this warm feeling often disappears suddenly and unexpectedly. When a person stops using you as an "energy pump" to pump up his weak ego, you may feel that the air has run out for your own ego. This creates a sense of emptiness, especially if it recurs periodically in a relationship that is important to you, such as with a family member or leader. It is not uncommon for such people to feel that you are being manipulated, manipulated, causing anger and helplessness, or you suddenly get breathless, like on a roller coaster ride up and down.

Narcissistic personalities spread a powerful energy field around them that is difficult to detect and almost impossible to resist once you are in it. They play on all the narcissistic trauma that you may have left from early childhood after the experiences caused by communication with such people.

Magical thinking, exploiting the idealization and devaluation of others by shifting shame and humiliation, are all attempts by narcissistic personalities to avoid feelings of inferiority and worthlessness. At best, this creates barriers to intimacy and acceptance. In a relationship with a narcissistic person, you never know what it means to be loved and valued for who you are. In the worst case, endless distortions and transferences will make you feel confused and lower your self-esteem.

3. Arrogance

The persona that many narcissistic personalities turn to the outside world are often perceived by the people around them as suffering from a "superiority complex." However, behind the mask of arrogance lies a balloon of internal self-esteem, ready to deflate, which is never satisfied with the fact that such a person is considered good or even very good. If he is not considered "better than …" then he is useless. The value of a person is always relative, there is no absolute here. From this perspective, if the value of someone else rises, the value of the narcissistic personality falls accordingly. Conversely, if the narcissistic person feels deflated, energetically deflated, he may again regain his usual sense of superiority, humiliating, devaluing or insulting the other person. This is why narcissistic personalities often exhibit dominant, perfectionist behavior, displaying an undisguised desire for power. They are simply trying to achieve a safe position for them, allowing them to distance themselves as best as possible from the feeling of the shameful stain of their own inferiority and shame.

For a narcissistic personality, any competition is a way to once again assert their superiority, although many of them enter into a competitive relationship only when they foresee a favorable ending for themselves. Feeling the burning shame of defeat, such people tend to choose a field of action where they can shine without taking too much risk and without making great efforts, and having achieved success, they can become obsessive in their pursuit of excellence. All this time, they crave worship and adoration from others. This craving for admiration in narcissistic personalities arises, as a rule, because they feel somewhat insecure and need some emotional nourishment.

4. Envy

The narcissistic person's need for a guaranteed sense of superiority is hampered when another person appears who, as it turns out, possesses qualities that the narcissistic person lacks. As soon as deep inside the unconscious there is a threat to the superiority of its “I” from the other, the pop of its bursting inner bubble is immediately heard. "The crisis! The crisis! - the alarm sounds.- Quickly turn on the neutralizer! " What weapon does the narcissistic person choose to silence the inner rumble of shame?

The answer is contempt: "This subject is not at all as important as he thinks." Even if "this subject" is completely unassuming and absolutely unaware of the insults directed at him, such a narcissistic distortion is akin to getting rid of shame and may not have any connection with reality. Then there is a detailed list of the flaws and shortcomings of another person who is in danger of being pretty dirty. The intention, usually completely unconscious, is to so dirty the other person so that the narcissistic person re-enters the position of superiority in comparison with him. At the same time, she will be aware of her contempt (of course, always justified), but envy will categorically deny. To admit a feeling of envy would be to admit one’s inferiority, which no narcissistic person would ever allow.

Sometimes the haughty face of envy is hidden behind a mask of over-praise and admiration, often followed by self-deprecating remarks. “This is the best cheesecake I've ever eaten! I am so admired by people who can bake. You know, in the kitchen I get so awkward. How do you manage to combine this with your own business? How talented you are! Thanks to your cheesecake, the culinary dilettantism of the narcissistic personality was revealed, for which there was no pre-formed defense. Therefore, with a generous gesture, she ceded the kitchen to you and transferred her superiority to the realm of morality. “I may not know how to bake, but no one knows how to appreciate and be as generous as I do.

The little cheesecake is beautiful, but I'm still better than you."

Narcissistic jealousy, fueled by a desperate hope of superiority, is something much more severe. Like much else in the narcissistic personality, she is unconscious or denied altogether, which makes her even more dangerous. Unaware of their envy or need for superiority, narcissistic individuals can only feel smug contempt. And this, dear reader, is just another word for hatred.

5. Claim of ownership of the right

The essence of the narcissistic entitlement is to look at the situation from only one very subjective point of view, which means: "Only my feelings and needs are important, I have to get what I want." Reciprocity and reciprocity are completely alien concepts for the narcissistic personality, for other people exist only to agree, obey, flatter and give support - in short, to anticipate and satisfy their every need. If you cannot be useful to me in satisfying any of my needs, then you are of no value to me, and, most likely, I will treat you accordingly; if you do not pay attention to my desire, then you will have to feel my rage on you. The devil himself does not have as much rabid rage as a rejected narcissistic personality does.

The belief in having the right is a legacy of the self-centeredness of early childhood (typical of the age of one or two years), when children experience a natural sense of their own greatness, which is an essential part of their development. This is a transitional stage, and soon they have to integrate their conceit and their sense of their invincibility, realizing their true place in the overall organization of the personality, which includes respect for others. However, in some cases, the inflated bubble of self-exclusiveness never bursts, and in others, it bursts too abruptly and unexpectedly, for example, when one of the parents or caregivers shames the child too much, or they fail to calm him down when he wakes up feeling shame. Either overwhelmed with a sense of shame, or artificially protected from it, children whose infantile fantasies are not gradually transformed into a more balanced view of themselves, such children in relation to others will never overcome their conviction that they are the center of the universe.

6. Operation

The ability to show empathy, that is, the ability to accurately capture what the other person is feeling, and in response to show sympathy for him, requires for a while to step back from your “I” in order to tune in to someone else. We “cut off the noise” of our concerns and open ourselves up to how the other person is manifesting. We may or may not share the feelings expressed by him, but we accept them without distorting or evaluating. Even by identifying with another person's feelings, we keep our distance.

Driven by shame and prone to displaying rage and aggression, the narcissist never develops the ability to identify with, or even acknowledge, the feelings of others. This is a person who, from the point of view of emotional development, is "stuck" in his emotional development at the level of an infant at the age of one or two years. She looks at the other person not as an individual entity, but rather as an extension of her own Self that will fulfill her narcissistic desires and demands. This quality, along with an underdeveloped consciousness, is the reason why narcissistic personalities exploit and use other people in interpersonal relationships.

Exploitation can take many different forms, but it always involves using other people without regard for their feelings and interests. Often, another person finds himself almost in a slave position, when it becomes difficult or even impossible for him to resist. Sometimes such servility turns out to be not so much real as far-fetched. For example, pressure can be as mild as a one-sided friendship in which one gives and the other takes, or as pervasive as a selfish lover or a demanding leader, or as nightmarish as sexual harassment or harassment at work. It can be deceiving, but very often it is a distortion of reality.

7. Weak boundaries

The narcissistic personality suffers from a deep characteristic defect in the development of a sense of Self. This flaw deprives such people of the ability to recognize their own boundaries, and also to perceive other people as individuals, and not an extension of their own. Other people either exist to satisfy the needs of the narcissistic person, or they may not exist at all. Those who give the opportunity to receive some kind of satisfaction are treated as if they are part of the narcissistic person, and are automatically expected to live up to the expectations of that person. In the psyche of a narcissistic personality, there is no border between her own Self and another person.

People who endure the violation of their own boundaries - as a rule, turn out to be those who, like the narcissistic personality, have not developed a strong sense of a separate Self. This usually happens because they have been trained to tolerate interference with their privacy as they grow up in their own family, and their autonomy has not received any support. People with similar backgrounds become very sensitive to such interferences and build strong boundaries to protect themselves. They have trouble building trust and forming close, intimate relationships. They develop an anxious, fearful attitude towards others, as if they expect some kind of interference from them in their lives. But sometimes their lack of experience of living with normal boundaries confuses them or instills uncertainty when such an intervention occurs.

If a person who goes to a mental health service has many or even most of the seven deadly sins of narcissism, they may be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, but this is extremely rare. The American Psychiatric Association estimates that only one in 100 people fully meets the criteria for this severe form of narcissism. However, there are many more people who exhibit such traits to a degree sufficient to cause serious upset, if not for themselves, then most certainly for other people with whom they regularly come into close contact. Many of these people will never go to mental health professionals because they, too, cannot tolerate the shame that comes from admitting their narcissism, and they are more likely to blame others for not feeling well. Even when they ask for help, they are more likely to treat depression and anxiety, try to solve interpersonal problems or relieve stress at work, than they want to get rid of the narcissistic personality disorder that underlies all the problems they claim. Many psychotherapists fail or ignore the treatment of narcissism because it does not respond to the short-term therapies that are favored by the insurance companies that pay for the treatment. Unfortunately, in such cases, treatment is often ineffective, because the more narcissistic a person is, the more rigid he is and the higher his resistance to changing his behavior.

Although a narcissistic personality who fully meets the criteria for a clinical diagnosis is relatively rare - and we should avoid using labels that cause shame in other people - there is ample evidence that the maximum level of narcissism in American society has been exceeded and narcissism is becoming a pandemic - this was the case not only in our time, but also before.

Synopsis made from Sandy Hotchkis' book Hell's Web. How to survive in a world of narcissism.

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