2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Continuing the topic with the Third in a relationship. Let me remind you that the Third, and even more specifically, the Illegal Third, is that / that / that with which the couple is fighting. More on this in the previous article.
The name turned out to be poetic, but, unfortunately, it reflects reality. And in this article, using the example of the Third-Alcohol, I want to recall the scientific research and observation of the client.
What will be discussed today or PLAN of the article:
- Study
- "How!?"
- "What to do?"
STUDY
There was a study that I still remember from the mouth of our teacher at the university.
Made 2 groups of men, 50 people each. 48 people in one group were with a history of alcohol addiction, and 2 of those who were not involved in this topic. In the second group, there were 48 “uninvolved” and 2 with a history of addictions. All of them were well dressed, combed out, and so on - you cannot distinguish them by visual signs.
Step 2: 2 girls. One from a healthy family "without history", the second from a family with a dependent person. Their task was simple: to look at men and choose those who seemed attractive to them.
Who do you think the girl "with history" chose in the group with 2 addicts out of 50? Yes, these two with history! Whom did the "uninvolved" choose among 48 alcoholics? Yes, exactly: 2 without history.
HOW!?
I remember the sincere confession of a colleague's client: “Well, I can't be with normal men! I myself see when I meet men without addictions that I am bored with them and it is not clear how to communicate and behave. Another thing is with addicts! Everything is acute there, as if on pins and needles, emotions go off scale, and I understand how to act and what to expect! The text is not literal, but reflects the essence.
Do you understand how deeply the experience of codependency (being in a relationship with an addict) penetrates into our lives?
So I think the point is in the sight. The client has already consciously realized that there is no place for a "normal man" next to her. Codependents wonderfully filter people and accept rejecting those they can't play with. And given the research, I believe that we all unconsciously read the non-verbal characteristics of a person that are important to us. This is not "fate", fate, "curse of the kind", but only trifles that we cannot grasp with the volume of consciousness, but which exist and influence our further choice.
Who do you think your scope is mounted on?
WHAT TO DO?
Unfortunately, I don't know of any other reliable way out of the chained codependency system other than long-term work with a psychotherapist. She takes up many layers of work:
- painful childhood experiences (being a parent to a parent at 5-20 years old; hiding their pain; deciding for others about their fate, etc.) and their living;
- (not) awareness of the choice of both partners for the relationship and decisions about the fate of these relationships;
- understanding your strengths and limitations, working with your boundaries and boundaries in relationships;
- the ability to maintain "normal" relationships and not only "not spoil" them on their own, but also to get pleasure in them, to stay in them;
- etc…
In the end, a relationship with a psychotherapist is specific to nothing else. reflash experience of close relationships!
All this ultimately gives stability in life, friendship with your feelings and your choices, the ability to manage your life … And a number of other pleasant discoveries - you cannot tell me in a couple of lines what therapy gave me and what gives many of my friends, colleagues and clients.:)
And most importantly, it makes it possible to build a good relationship!:) What they look like and what is their basis, I will tell you in the next article!
In the meantime, if you have personal questions that you would like to receive answers to, or are you ready to work on yourself, my psychotherapeutic doors are open for you! Also always glad to receive responses to articles!
Recommended:
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