The Urge To Mean And The Fear Of Believing In Yourself

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The repressed desire to be significant leads to the most common conflict of our time: we want to feel important, but are forced to play the role of small and humble. We all play this role to the extent that the pursuit of significance is condemned in our culture.

The desire to be meaningful and important is the engine of human progress from the dawn of civilization to the present day.

We all stand on the shoulders of giants. The ability to use hot water and flush the toilet was once the privilege of the greats of this world. Evolution, or the improvement of the existing world order in order to simplify our life, is supported and carried out thanks to specific human actions. We can put our energy into action only if it is of some importance to us. A person who is unable to recognize his desire for greatness cannot recognize the significance of his actions. And without a firm belief in the importance of the tasks that a person performs, human progress is impossible.

Almost all of my patients in the course of therapy recalled a moment from childhood when their desire to be noticed was suppressed by adult authority. Surely you also had such a moment.

Here's mine: I loved performing on stage, writing poetry, singing, dancing and, in general, being in the spotlight (my very use of the expression "in general" should alert you: it helps me express my desire to be in the spotlight with some proviso, thanks to which I, presumably, will remain in your eyes a conscious, and not an egocentric figure). When relatives came to visit us with children who did not show an inclination to perform, my parents invited me to stand on a chair and demonstrate my own talents. A painful experience overtook me suddenly: once, when I was benefiting with another poem, my aunt turned in a loud whisper to my younger cousin, who listened to me with inspiration: “Don't worry, this star will finish soon.” Since then, the potential association with the annoying "star" has become painful for me. I made sure to avoid her with all my might. "Star" was in the closet.

For me personally, creative self-expression was a manifestation of the significance of my voice: unique, original, capable of declaring my personality - a writer and an artist. For some of my patients, the feeling of importance was diminished by their own parents, who made all decisions for the children: from what it was worth and what not to do for a child at any given moment to what color an intelligent girl was allowed to wear, and what color was worn exclusively by prostitutes. …

Someone's importance was suppressed by the mistrust on the part of the parents: for example, a little boy tried to facilitate the work of his mother around the house and undertook to vacuum the apartment on his own. One day he noticed that all the work that he does, his mother immediately redoes. The signal that the baby was filming at this time was that he was not able to independently perform any task efficiently. Although in this case the value of the child was not directly impaired, there was an indirect impairment. The devaluation of aid has left an indelible imprint on this little man.

It is because we cannot openly admit our own worth to ourselves that we experience discomfort. This discomfort manifests itself as an inability to be oneself, self-dislike, an inferiority complex, and other unpleasant consequences of devalued importance in childhood

To believe in yourself, realize yourself, love yourself, learn to hear yourself, you need:

- to return to childhood and find there a moment when the sense of self-worth was devalued by an adult who was close to you;

- to see and understand that at that moment your psyche was injured. Trauma is not only about ripping off a leg, incest, or the loss of a loved one. Traumatic situations happened to each of us in everyday life. All the emotions we experience today are echoes of these childhood traumas. Awareness of the existence of trauma is necessary in order to overcome it became possible. Agree: you can start treating a broken arm only if you see the fracture at the beginning.

- to realize that your inclinations and talents, desires and aspirations, which you did from a pure heart in childhood, do not go away. They continue to sit in the closet until you choose to consciously release them from there.

- accept your importance, regardless of the approval of others. The environment wrinkles their noses when we show our strengths because their own strengths were suppressed as children due to their own injuries. Understanding this fact alone relieves the pressure of an inferiority complex and helps your repressed talents see the light.

- Make a list of steps to help you revive your natural talents. As you list, note that these steps must be realistic, achievable, and specific. For example, I cannot set myself the goal of performing at the Voice this month if I have not sung for many years and I objectively understand that performing in front of an audience is equal to execution for me. At the same time, I can agree with myself that I will sign up for vocal lessons next Thursday and start studying with a teacher once a week. This goal is much more real, and instead of fearing failure, it will support my strength and help me get closer to feeling like myself.