When Your Husband Is A Narcissist

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“Listen,” my ex-husband said to me in the morning, “I'm tired of reading what a wonderful warm and emotional fiance you have. You have lived with me for 15 years. Write about how wonderful, cold and unprincipled I am”.

I, of course, was slightly surprised by such a reaction, but could not refuse. If we are to write, then the truth - including the fact that you can live quite happily with such a person. The main thing is to know the rules of the game. If anyone else has taken my cautious hints, my ex-husband, a highly functional narcissist, is truly wonderful, cold, and unprincipled.

Scientifically speaking, he is somewhere on the verge between the definitions of "personality of the neurotic level with narcissistic traits", and what Kernberg called pathological narcissism. I will not delve into the scientific jungle and write what this means in terms of relationships. But to begin with, I will nevertheless outline the basic concepts for those who are not at all in the subject.

Usually there are 4 types and 6 subtypes of narcissism (in all my texts I am guided by the works of Kernberg, Kohut, Millon and Green).

Types:

- a classic narcissist - highly functional, socially realized, proud of his (quite real) achievements (usually in business and in official positions), emotionally safe, capable of reflection and maintaining relationships, but at the same time openly seeking public recognition, striving to rise above others, in need in constant confirmation of its uniqueness, does not tolerate return and cannot imagine life without power and success.

- a vulnerable narcissist - a weak, unstable, compensating type, prone to shame (not to be confused with conscience!), seeking to hide in the rays of glory of a stronger representative, a gray cardinal who avoids publicity, but realizes his need for attention through hidden manipulations.

- a social narcissist - a showy altruist and philanthropist, demonstrating patriotism, adherence to high moral principles, striving for fame through community work and the support of socially significant projects. At the same time, he is an owner and a jealous person, who attaches great importance to the official recognition of his merits and closeness to state power.

- evil narcissist - what you thought. Toxic manipulators who love squabbling and exploit others for profit and pleasure. Ruthless, deceitful, insidious and aggressive, close to psychopaths, because they are asocial and do not feel remorse.

Subtypes:

- open / hidden - depending on the selected methods of obtaining the desired. Classic and social narcissists are always open minded. The vulnerable are traditionally passive-aggressive. The evil ones act according to the situation and are often unpredictable.

- somatic / cerebral - depending on which part of his personality the narcissist values most. Somatic people attach great importance to appearance. Cerebral people rely on intelligence. Partners are also viewed from the point of view of external decoration (prized possession) or as a companion, close in mind and spirit (never equal to oneself). Any type can be both somatic and cerebral, or even mixed.

- inverted / sadistic - a specific category referring only to vulnerable and vicious narcissists. The vulnerable type is always hidden and inverted - it seeks to join its flock and feed under the cover of stronger and more demonstrative fellows. These people are extremely dependent on other people's opinions, in childhood they were outcasts and objects of bullying, in adulthood they continue to suffer from a victim complex. Spiteful sadistic personalities are often openly asocial, prone to sexual perversion, because they take pleasure in other people's pain and discomfort.

In a sense, I was lucky, because my husband is an open classic narcissist with a clear gravitation towards the cerebral subtype, but at the same time he does not shun somatic manifestations. Well-groomed, handsome, successful middle-aged man, invested with power and financial well-being. In fact, there are thousands of them around the globe. These people adore power games, observe a certain specific code of honor, try to avoid outright meanness and strive to measure themselves not only by members of (crossed out) toys in the form of yachts, planes and cars, but also by the degree of development and involvement in the fate of the world community. So how does it feel to live with such a person?

1) Compliance with agreements. There are certain rules of the game that are negotiated in advance. Someone is able to discuss them on the shore. Someone deduces their formula empirically. Any violation will cost a place in the sun. There is no room for arrogance and manipulation in a relationship with a narcissist. All the same, you can't outplay him head-on. Only the utmost honesty, clarity of thinking, wisdom and a certain amount of submissiveness. If the narcissist does not feel threatened by his uniqueness, in other areas of life together you will have complete carte blanche.

2) If the narcissist's partner wants to be more than just a trophy on the shelf or a beautiful doll in an escort, he will have to do his own thing and achieve success with his work. Then (perhaps) the narcissist will be proud of him and recognize the right to some semblance of partnership. In other cases, canned food (even live) is thrown away as soon as the expiration date has expired.

3) There can be only one chief in such a relationship. There is no need to harbor illusions about your own importance. As good as the narcissist's partner is, he will always be on the sidelines. A hidden vulnerable narcissist playing his undercover game is ideal. But even in such combinations, it is far from perfect. It is important for a vulnerable narcissist to feel needed and appreciated. This format is a burden for the classical and social types. They want lightness and perfection in everything - especially in a partner, whose task is to be ideal and cannot stand the brain.

4) The narcissist perceives any partner as property - he can let him go to graze on someone else's lawn for a while, but he will first put on a stranger or a noose around his neck, so that at any time it would be possible to remind who is the boss. When a partner tries to leave, the narcissist is genuinely surprised, as if his leg or hand suddenly announced sovereignty. The problem is always solved quickly (not always painlessly) - through intimidation or manipulation - depending on the usual format of relations and the mood of the participants.

5) Nothing is ever done without a reason, and everything has a price. Just remember.

6) An angry (read, frightened) narcissist is merciless. Especially if he feels a threat to his already wounded pride. A la guerre comme a la guerre. Forget love and compassion - no such concept exists for the narcissist. These are just words, skillfully presented at the right time.

7) Benefit comes first. A narcissist will never do something that does not bring him a return on investment. He is not capable of either self-sacrifice or pure charity. An accurate calculation is behind any action. But narcissists of all types find it difficult to plan far ahead, so their decisions are usually short-term. With patience and understanding of the mechanisms, this can be used.

8) There is one step from idealization to devaluation. If you don't want to be nailed down with a narcissistic swing, always be one step ahead. It's hard work, but many aspects of living with such characters make the experience worthwhile.

9) External shine compensates for internal emptiness. All love confessions, delights and other manifestations of feelings - no matter how sincere or impeccable they may seem - in the mouth of the narcissist are just a tribute to social decency. Any highly functional narcissist knows how to treat people in such a way that they will be happy to get a little of his attention and will jump out of their pants (crossed out) and fight for the right to touch him.

10) Narcissists are capable of experiencing basic emotions and cognitive empathy, but not "true" feelings of love and affection. Also, narcissists have no problems with communication and self-expression. Unlike psychopaths, they do not have alexithymia (the inability to communicate their state in words). It's just that the only thing a narcissist really cares about is himself. The rest is a beautiful game, from which he gets aesthetic pleasure.

In general, the fact that the ex-husband decided to come out and see how many fans he will have, from the point of view of narcissism, it is absolutely understandable act - to feel that the prey is slipping from under your nose, and to do something that will stir up her feelings, will attract attention and cause an emotional outburst. Usually works, yes, but not with people like me:)