Can I Trust My Husband After My Husband's Betrayal And Reconciliation?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In my psychologist's office, the question sounds every day: “Do you think, after my husband’s betrayal and reconciliation with him, can be sure that we have really saved the family forever? Is there any guarantee that my husband understood everything, made the right conclusions for himself and will never again hurt me by cheating or leaving the family?"

As an experienced and honest professional, I frustrate women by telling them that, unfortunately, there is no one hundred percent guarantee against repeated cheating. I will say more: in my practice, hundreds of times it happened that the same women committed adultery, who, having gone through the betrayal of their husband and returning him to the family according to my methods, who took oaths of eternal fidelity from him, after months or years themselves came across on their own treason. And their own shocked husbands came to me for consultation. And many times it happened that even in the process of reconciliation of a couple, where there was a betrayal of her husband, and his wife angrily branded him "doggy and imperviousness", it suddenly became clear that she herself has a lover, and her own connection arose even earlier than the connection husband.

Thus, without firm guarantees against female infidelity, it is difficult for me to promise someone protection from repeated male infidelity. Moreover, given the fact that in the brain of sexually active men, in principle, there are no protective devices against female sexual manipulation. Nature simply did not foresee them. Because if men had the gift to calmly observe how interesting women give them sexual appeals specifically, then humanity would have died out long ago.

Nevertheless, without at least some hopes for a brighter future, a person cannot live, will not have the motivation to keep a family, and will not be able to communicate correctly. So what can be advised to those women who, having saved their family after infidelity, and for the sake of this somewhere, even overstepping their principles, still strive to understand: “Is there any hope of excluding recurrences of infidelity on the part of the husband, and if there is, then what exactly does this need to be done in the family? Is it possible to trust that unfaithful husband who seems to have declared that he wants to keep the family? How long can its correctness be enough?"

I answer as clearly as the question was clearly formulated. Moreover, the scheme in this case is simple. To paraphrase the well-known saying that “everything is ingenious is simple!” I will put it this way:

All ingenious is simple!

Everything genital is as easy as shelling pears!"

You will see for yourself in this now. According to my professional observations, the formula for trusting a man is as follows:

“The presence of past betrayals + The duration of the revealed love affair + The amount of financial investment of the husband in his mistress + The completeness of remorse and parting with his mistress + the absence of harmful addictions in the man + the correctness of his wife’s behavior after reconciliation with her husband + the presence of large joint goals in the family + transparency of the life of the spouses + completeness mutual control of spouses.

Now I will decipher this formula.

- "The presence of past betrayals." If your husband is not the first time caught in adultery, it is quite obvious that he will have much less faith than if it were the first and only episode in the history of your marriage. If your husband systematically gives you reasons for jealousy, you don't need to harbor any special illusions: if everything is sad according to the following criteria, you can forget about the guarantees of a quiet family life.

- "The duration of the revealed love affair." If the "left" connection of your husband was of a one-time nature (such as intimacy on a business trip or drunk at a corporate party or at the dacha of friends) or lasted only a few months, then there is a great hope that these relations themselves will be severed forever, and your husband himself will not managed to get used to the regular conduct of a "double" life. If the betrayal lasted for a year, or in general - for several years, then everything is much worse. First, from the point of view of a family psychologist

Cheating for many years is essentially a second family, that is, in fact - a secret civil marriage.

Accordingly, it is very difficult to break off such relationships, which are filled not only with sex, but also with travel, communication, plans, mutual care and the same mutual obligations. And no matter how the caught red-handed husband himself declares his readiness to “forget everything in the interests of preserving a legitimate family,” I personally always warn wives that the possibility of restoring this connection may not persist for several years. That is, until the given woman-lover herself marries and / or gives birth from another man. Thus, she will lose her feminine motive for reestablishing connection with your husband. But, if she cannot get married or this marriage turns out to be unsuccessful for her, clouds may again gather over your family. That is why, in especially difficult cases (with a high threat of relapse), I directly advise wives to find an opportunity to move with the husband returned to the family to other cities, regions or even countries. Or develop schemes for how it is profitable to marry a former mistress. Or use other techniques.

Secondly, the principles of the conditioned reflex of Pavlov's dog have not yet been canceled. A man who, over the years, has become accustomed to a secret life and receiving sexual pleasures in such a tickling format, will most likely strive to restore such a habitual and comfortable lifestyle for his pride, simply changing his left-handed girlfriends, mercilessly surrendering to his wife and changing To someone else. Once launched, a cyclical carousel usually stops after 45-50 years, when a man's libido gradually begins to decrease, and his brain is finally more mature.

Increasing the family decency of a man

usually coincides with a decrease in its potency.

Therefore, when it is clearly known that the husband's love affair on the side lasted three to five years, there are usually no easy victories. Except for those cases when on the wife's side, objectively, the mistress herself turns out to be, whose patience has run out and who herself harshly dismissed in panic the lover who rushed between the women, who was unable to immediately choose one of them. If a long-term mistress in every possible way emphasizes her readiness to wait even until retirement (especially, now noticeably delayed) and to accept a man who has returned to the family at any time, it is very difficult to talk about a big credit of trust in such a husband. Here you need an eye and an eye.

- "The amount of financial investment of a husband in his mistress." If, having learned about her husband's betrayal, the wife also revealed the notorious "elements of a sweet life", i.e. his significant costs for this connection (expensive gifts, foreign travel, payment for expensive plastic surgeries and elite fitness, donated cars and assistance in purchasing housing, etc.), one must soberly understand: the man himself will be very sorry to lose his investment and his It will be psychologically very difficult for a mistress to part with such a generous sponsor, who made life noticeably easier and more prosperous.

Generous men do not lie on the road.

They lie in the beds of those women in which they invest.

Former generous men who have already been milked are lying on the road.

Therefore, knowing that the husband generously invested in his mistress, the wife should be prepared for a very long and careful observation of his behavior after returning to the family. Because:

A woman is able to refuse to communicate with a generous man

only having met either an even more generous man, or the same, but who is either not married or leaves his wife more quickly.

- "The fullness of repentance and parting with his mistress." If, after revealing his wife's infidelity, the man quickly made a fundamental decision, quickly informed his mistress about the final breakdown of the connection, and also quickly radically restructured his life schedule in such a way as to completely exclude both personal contacts with her and telephone communication for any reason, then this is good news for a wife. Such men, most often, in fact, in the future make the correct family conclusions and remain faithful to their wife. If a man for weeks and months, like a mantra, repeated that he was "confused" and rushed between women, if he continued to work together with his mistress or began to creatively find any "business" and reasons for communicating with her (such as help, counseling, etc.) if he never told his wife the details of the relationship and did not reveal the identity of his mistress, many such men are a "time bomb" that very often explodes again and again. And the battle of the wife for the husband flares up again and again, and every battle that seems to the wife to be “general” and “brilliant” turns out to be (based on the aphorism of this article), alas, again regular and genital. So, consider:

The fullness of future trust depends on the fullness of past repentance.

- "The man has no harmful addictions." Everything is simple here. Alcoholics, drug addicts and gambling addicts, i.e. men who are unable to properly control their emotions and actions, themselves cannot guarantee that their marital position is firm. And after drinking alcohol, such men often "break down" and begin to call and write emotional love messages to their "ex". Or I’ll get drunk to go to my former mistresses from my wife, and when I come to my senses, I’ll go back to my wife in shame and beg for another forgiveness. Men without harmful addictions, although they can also break down, nevertheless, do it at times less often.

- "The correctness of the wife's behavior after reconciliation with her husband." If the wife, considering it right for herself to ask and return the unfaithful husband to the family, did five things:

- I analyzed my female mistakes well and managed to correct them;

- provided her husband with quality sex, interesting communication, delicious food and home comfort, shared his hobbies with him and got along with his environment;

- managed to become a really attractive woman (and not only like herself and close friends);

- did not humiliate herself, showed firmness and was able to force her husband to repent and give guarantees of her loyalty in the future;

- created a psychologically easy atmosphere in the family by not reproaching her husband for the mistakes he made in the past.

… then the husband with a high degree of probability will receive in the family exactly what he was looking for on the side. If the wife could not realize one of this, the husband can again start looking to the left …

- "The presence of great common goals in the family." It is not enough to keep the family and defend it from the applicants. It's important to keep it for something. I emphasize: not only for someone - meaning the interests of the material support of the wife and children herself, but also for something. The family as a whole, that is, both spouses should have some big joint goals and plans for the years ahead. If tact plans were worked out and accepted by both partners, or the wife not only shared her husband's plans, but also became involved in their active implementation, then the husband will clearly be faithful and he can be trusted. Because by betraying his wife, thereby he will betray his own interests. Smart men usually do not make such mistakes. If, for the common goals of the family, a void gapes, or the wife does not share the really significant goals of her husband, it makes no sense to talk about trust. The husband will still look for a soul mate on the side and, most likely, will find her. Or the one that seems to be so.

- "The transparency of the life of the spouses." After the reconciliation of the spouses, it is important for them to synchronize their lives, build schedules for their work and their leisure time, with an emphasis on maximum compatibility and transparency. Codda's spouses always know who is doing what, with whom they communicate, how much they earn, where they spend their money, and - most importantly, they strive to be together as much as possible.

If you wish, you can be close to a loved one at a distance, if you do not want to, you can be distant to each other, lying in the same bed.

Only complete transparency helps to create the very feeling of trust and is the shortest path to mutual trust in a couple.

- "Completeness of mutual control of spouses." Here we are talking about the fact that spouses have every right to call each other at any time (preferably by video call), use each other's mobile phones, tablets and computers, know passwords from all accounts in each other's social networks, etc. If, after the husband's betrayal and reconciliation, the husband and wife gave such a right to each other, trust almost always returns, and relapses of betrayals are extremely rare. If the spouses did not receive such a right and in their communication there is still a "gray zone", then the most notorious "personal space", sooner or later betrayals come again. It is important to understand that from an opaque "gray zone" in life to a "black hole" in a relationship is one step.

Personal space in the family - this "black hole"

which will gradually destroy first mutual trust

between the spouses, and then the family itself.

Now you know the formula in which there are as many as nine terms. I cannot embrace the whole infinite fullness of life, but I can say that in those couples where there is a positive situation in at least six of the nine terms, most often the spouses successfully restore both family and trust in the family, betrayal will bypass them in the future. If the negative situation turns out to be in more than three terms, trust is restored long and hard, and the risks of relapse, unfortunately, are high.

All of the nine points are very important. But the following are especially important:

- The fullness of remorse and parting with his mistress

- Lack of harmful addictions in a man

- The correctness of the wife's behavior after reconciliation with her husband

- Transparency of spouses life

- Completeness of mutual control of spouses.

These points are usually the key ones. It is on them that a woman needs to concentrate, it is in them that complete victory should be achieved.

If this article is read by a woman who, fortunately, has passed the situation with her husband's infidelity, taking these factors into account can help to build family life so that there will never be any betrayal in it. Proactive actions are always more effective than subsequent ones. This principle has not been canceled.

In more detail about the topics raised in this article, I talk in such books as "How to Strengthen Your Marriage", "Seven Shakes", "If your husband has changed or left, and you want to return him back to your family", "Quarrels around sex" … I highly recommend reading them.

If you need the help of a psychologist in overcoming the crisis in your family life, I will be glad to try to help you during a personal or remote online consultation. The terms of the consultation are described on my website. On it you can also find my books and articles that may be useful for improving your life. Sign up for a consultation by phone: +79266335200.