2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It is a warm sunny day in summer, despite the calendar autumn. At work, your efforts were appreciated and given an award. You finally went to a beauty salon to see your favorite master. 18-00. Are you at home already. With pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. And also full of strength and energy. Today you had a wonderful day and a delightful mood. This has not happened for a long time!
And you decide to have a romantic evening with your beloved. Lace underwear under a light robe, a glass of red wine, his favorite pie.
Turning the key in the lock. You take the cake out of the oven and carry it to the table, to the glasses and candles with the scent of lavender. Glowing with happiness, go out into the corridor:
- Dear, and I baked your favorite cake! - you say coquettishly.
“Thank you, but I don’t want to now,” the dear answers gloomily and closes the door on the latch, without turning to you.
Your eyes darken, your breath catches, your lips begin to tremble. You turn abruptly and go into the bath. Thoughts swarm in my head:
He does not love me! He doesn't give a damn about my efforts! Everything is over! I'll be alone again … The evening is ruined. Or maybe the whole life. And how well it all started …”.
Sound familiar? If so, then you seem to know how much it hurts to feel rejected. Only here is the question. When you feel rejected and abandoned, is that moment the other person rejects you and leaves you?There is no definite answer for me, because for me there is a difference between "I feel rejected" and "the person rejected me".
What is the experience of rejection? This is the feeling that they do not accept me at all, I am left alone, without the support and warmth of another person. This is a big question for me, are they giving up all of me? Or are they just giving up the pie?
And then we are talking about the fact that they do not want to accept what I did for another. But my pie is not equal to me … The scale of rejection narrows down if I exit the pie merge. There is me, there is the cake that I made. They are not the same thing. They refuse not me, but the pie. It may be offensive, but the pain is definitely several times less than when all of me is rejected.
Before continuing, I want to emphasize. By refuting the thought "I was rejected" I do not discount the pain of "I am experiencing rejection." For me, both statements are true. I can really feel rejection and see it in the actions of others. And it hurts. It is also true that the other person, in his words and deeds, does not refuse me, but refuses my offers, which do not suit him at the moment. Both of these truths exist at the same time.
How does it happen that I and my actions, actions, separate qualities merge into one whole? As usual, everything comes from childhood. Once upon a time, when a small child asked for a typewriter, ice cream, take them to the park and play, then the adults refused with the wording that
- "No money (for you)",
- "You won't because (you) misbehaved"
- "Mom has a lot of work and does not have time / energy (for you)"
- "Dad has more important things to do (than you)"
In these and similar phrases, the thought “you are not important or bad, so I refuse you” is clearly expressed. Those. rejection = rejection. The human psyche simplifies everything. If 10 times refusal and rejection go in one bundle, then 11 times (conditionally), when the child hears "no", then he completes the construction himself "because I am bad." Over time, the mechanism is fixed and already an adult, hearing a refusal, perceives that he was rejected. In response to this, it gives out the corresponding feelings of abandonment, loneliness and related reactions.
To stop seeing rejection in any "no", it is worth going back a step and noticing, hearing what the other person is giving up here and now, in this particular situation
A strong emotional charge of the moment can also play a bad role. If you go back to the story of the pie, and look deeper, then there the pie is not just food. The pie is a symbol. A symbol of my good mood, anticipation of pleasure, romance, love. A cake, a romantic evening, my love - everything merges into one whole. Being rejected in one, it seems that they rejected everything at once.
And again the way out is in the exit from the merger and in the separation of meanings. Pie - separately, romance - separately, my feelings - separately.
How to unstuck it, if at the moment when you hear "no", everything floats before your eyes and your mind seems to leave you?
Slowly and methodically increase the level of your own awareness in your relationship with another person. With someone you trust, with whom you feel safe. Take your automatic reaction and disassemble it into its components, look at the reaction of another person, correlate one with the other, putting together a whole picture of what is happening. This is what psychologists in general do in sessions, and gestalt therapists in particular. So that with the help of a psychologist, you notice, track and understand what is happening to you at the moment of strong emotions and reactions, and can correct them in your life.
When I notice my reaction, understand how it works, I can change it if I want to. It goes something like this:
Half a year ago. To the answer of my beloved that he does not want pie, I am wildly offended that he rejected me. The evening is ruined. After a week of self-digging, reflections and conversations, it dawns on me that he did not reject me, but pie.
Three months ago. The answer of my beloved that he does not want to watch "Gone with the Wind", I am wildly offended that he rejected me. The evening is ruined. By the morning I understand that he didn’t reject me, but a film that was not interesting to him. I wake him up with a kiss. The morning begins with intense sex. Life is Beautiful.
Month ago. To the answer of my beloved that he does not want to go for a walk at night, I am offended that he rejected me. I'm going to wash the dishes. After 10 minutes I understand that he did not reject me, but a walk. I guess he doesn't know anything about my intentions. I go to him, tell him that I had a wonderful day, how I love him and I want romance. It blooms before our eyes. Instead of walking in the moonlight, he calls me to a restaurant. The evening is saved.
Today. When my beloved responds that he does not want to go to Crimea, I want to be offended, as usual, but I catch myself thinking that he did not reject me, but Crimea. I'm waiting for him to turn to face me. I inform you about my desire to rest. To clarify, he does not want to go to the Crimea or even go to the sea with me. Beloved supports the idea of a joint vacation at sea, but does not want to go to Crimea. We have been making vacation plans all evening.
The indicated terms are approximate and conditional, just to show the dynamics of changes. It is always there, if you take time for yourself and understanding how you are arranged, your experiences and emotional reactions.
And further. As a person who for a long time felt that the world was rejecting him, I can say. With an increase in awareness comes the understanding that they are rejected less often than they seem. They take it more often than it seems. And even when rejected, I do not collapse, as it once seemed. Because, in contrast to him, there is already enough warmth and support to take an unpleasant experience just as part of life and move on.
Read also on the topic:
What stops life. Shame
If it is unbearable to communicate with mom. Part 2. Why doesn't mom love me?
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