2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Recently I came across a list of assertive (self-asserting) human rights, and I noticed that for me this is such a convenient checklist for tracking the effectiveness of therapy.
When I first came to therapy, I had the feeling that I had no right to anything, I myself am so small, insignificant, and not only other people, but even myself, should not reckon with my opinion, they know better, they have more rights, and it’s me who should adapt to them, not they to me. There were no options at all not to adapt to each other and to allow me and the other to be different without conflict and contradiction, I did not see them.
This feeling found ways to manifest itself in all spheres of life: at work, I could only perform a function and solve a problem, and not have an opinion and discuss alternatives. With friends, some kind of ingratiating, adapting behavior was chosen, at the exit it turned into a huge envy of them, and most of them sooner or later decided to stop communicating with me. In general, there was an idea everywhere that my thoughts, actions, feelings should be logical, understandable for another, I need to explain and justify myself in front of others, because I need their approval.
Of course, at this point, with such an opinion about myself and the world, I found myself for a reason, my childhood story did not develop in the most successful way, my mother's life attitudes fixed the result, and the events from my adult life, for the most part, taking the form of a self-confirming prophecy, confirmed the correctness of these settings.
In my case, psychotherapy did not work on the intellectual comprehension of all this, then everything is clear with my head, the irrationality of attitudes is obvious, and the mechanisms of their emergence and consolidation and the protective functions of these seemingly definitely not useful attitudes. Psychotherapy worked to slow down (although it seemed to me that I was already slowed down to the point of immobility), to reveal myself in all this, to increase the inner space, so that at last one could notice that all these limiting attitudes are not absolute correct knowledge, and there is the same me who has some kind of opinion. Over time, it turned out to be possible to realize, evaluate, have the right to it, voice it and protect it, if there is a need and desire for it.
Here's a checklist that helps me navigate:
- I have the right to evaluate my own behavior, thoughts and emotions and be responsible for their consequences
- I have the right not to apologize or explain my behavior
- I have the right to independently decide whether I am responsible at all or to some extent for solving other people's problems
- I have the right to change my mind
- I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for my mistakes
- I have the right to say "I don't know"
- I have the right to be independent from the goodwill of others and from their good attitude towards me
- I have the right to make illogical decisions
- I have the right to say "I don't understand you"
- I have the right to say "I'm not interested in this"
In other words, I have the right to be uncomfortable for the other, and the other has the right to be uncomfortable for me.
The process of therapy is long, difficult, and in most cases with a result that is very difficult to feel - changes in the inner world are not instantaneous and not necessarily reflected in eventual changes. But the quality of life and one's feeling in it can change so much that it is worth every minute spent.
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