About Our Personal Boundaries

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Each person is the master of his own boundaries, and only his own. It is not within our competence and power to recognize, study and guard the boundaries of other people. We cannot know whether we have violated the framework of another person or not, if he does not tell us about it. And this is his responsibility, not ours. Again, our business is to preserve our own boundaries.

Take, for example, our acquaintances or friends - we realize who we can play a trick on, and with whom we can not joke, as we will face resistance and aggression. Someone can "sit on his neck", and even wave his legs at the same time, but in front of someone you are afraid to raise your voice. These are all boundaries that other people have built for you.

True, this is not always the case in relations with our relatives, loved ones, and especially with children. The constant violation of personal boundaries in the family provokes frequent conflicts and resentments. As for small children, the task of adults is to help form children's boundaries and protect them. At the same time, the formation of the latter should be adequate, since children learn to feel both themselves and those around them.

When parents constantly please the child, at the first demand all his desires are satisfied, sweetly explaining "Well, this is a child …" your self-perception. In the first case, everything is possible for him, in the second, everything is possible for others, and for the child, nothing.

An important feature of human relationships is that we all, to one degree or another, strive to feel the boundaries of other people

At first, when communicating with an unfamiliar person, we behave with caution and restraint, and then we try to "grope" his boundaries: what we can afford and what we cannot. If a person does not react to what we allow ourselves about him, we begin to allow ourselves more and more.

Let's try to make it out with an example: in a family, a husband has a habit of yelling at his wife in anger. If she does nothing to stop this attitude towards herself, the husband, over time, will take his behavior for granted. Having adapted to such a model of behavior, in the subsequent outburst of anger, it will not be enough for him to just scream, because she, as it were, does not perceive all his emotional seriousness. He can begin to verbally offend her, humiliate her. If the wife tolerates this too, without declaring her boundaries, the husband will go further. He will start tugging at his clothes, and, not seeing a reaction, he will simply hit.

If the wife also conceals such an attitude of her husband to her, shields him, he will more and more grope for her boundaries, and, moreover, on an increasing basis. In a sense, it’s excitement, “How far can I go? How much can you afford? At the same time, when a person begins to be offended, angry, it means that he is building his own boundaries for you.

How can we tell if our boundaries have been violated?

This is emotional discomfort. What we feel. Actually, tracking your own emotions is one of the indicators. A person whose boundaries are being invaded feels fear, anger, frustration, tries to evade further communication.

The same border is different for different people. What we allow for some, we do not allow for others. This is both with our physical space and with the psychological. Individuals may hug us, but we will never let others do it. The same is true on the psychological plane. We protect our boundaries in each specific situation, with each specific person.

What does “line up” mean?

Verbally, or non-verbally, make it clear that you do not like this and you will not do it. We can say this both in words and by our "appearance": emotions, facial expressions, tone.

The reaction of the environment can also be different. Someone will understand you and ask for forgiveness; someone will ignore and will again try to violate the boundaries you set (in which case it is important to remain firm by insisting on your demand).

If a person continues to violate your boundaries, despite the fact that you asked him not to do this, remind him of this and warn about the consequences. For example: “I'm not used to being shouted at. If you don’t change your tone, I’ll leave!” etc. And here it is important to stick to your word. Otherwise, your opponent will realize that your boundaries have remained as wide as before, and in order to achieve your goal, you need to "put the squeeze" on you a little.

The request to respect your own boundaries starts with personal self-respect, respect for your needs and desires. Our boundaries are our comfort, harmony with ourselves and security. This is the space that allows us to keep our "I".

Our borders are sovereign! Therefore, you need to feel them, shape and defend them.