2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
A person with great patience usually does not notice or tell others (and himself) about his discomfort.
❗It is unpleasant for you when people approach you too close during a conversation, but it seems somehow inconvenient to designate a comfortable distance for you? Is it scary to offend a person? Scared to look strange?
❌It is unpleasant for you to wait for a person who is chronically late and on his SMS "I'm 20 minutes late.." … "and another 20 minutes, sorry:(" you politely answer "ok" are you not the least bit annoyed?
❌You are sitting in a hairdresser and you see that the master does not at all what you wanted, but it seems somehow awkward to stop. And you leave the hairdresser in frustration, but do not show your indignation in any way and say goodbye politely? Sound familiar?
❗ So, in every such situation, when you have endured something, a spring is compressed inside you. Her name is tension. Suppressed aggression compresses her.
❗Because for a very long time they taught not to be angry. Because for a very long time they taught to be good and to take care of others first of all.
❗Because when the spring explodes and all the tension pours out an avalanche of aggression on others, then they say that "you are in conflict / impossible with you / you are crazy."
❗Therefore, a vicious circle begins, compressing this spring faster and stronger:
I am conflicted, which means I need to be more restrained and tolerant towards others. The more I restrain myself, the more and faster the tension builds up in me. The more and faster it accumulates in me, the louder, more often and more powerfully I explode.
WHAT TO DO? 🤷⤵️
✅ Gradually lower your patience threshold. Well, that is, slowly becoming impatient.
To develop in oneself such sensitivity towards oneself when the spring has just begun to compress. This is the very moment when the discomfort is already there, but there is no anger yet.
✅ "Sorry, I have such a feature - it is more comfortable for me to communicate at such a distance. So I will better perceive what you say."
✅ "Ok. I'm ready to wait for you another 15 minutes, then I can't afford to waste so much time."
✅ "Sorry, but when I said to make my whiskey short, I meant 2 centimeters, not millimeters."
📢Other people violate your boundaries and test your patience, because they do not know at all where the boundaries of your patience are and where your personal boundaries are, if you have not indicated them in plain text. Unless you have given clear instructions and followed them.
✅ "Sorry, I notice that you are close again. It distracts me. Let me remind you if you forget about the distance? Otherwise, I keep distracting from what you say."
✅ "I, unfortunately, did not wait for you last time. It was unpleasant that I kept our appointment, but did not meet reciprocity in this. Let's agree that if you are late, then you will warn me as soon as possible about And in case of another delay, it will be difficult for me to trust your words, making appointments."
✅ "Well, it's good that only the temple suffered, and not the whole head. It's a pity, of course, but let's think about how it can be played up so that my creative hair would play with new touches."
📢What do we have at the end?
As a result, we have the fact that aggression manifests itself immediately as soon as there is a violation of boundaries / something happens to you not to your liking.
Yes, to say "I'm sorry, this doesn't suit me" is a very aggressive act. Because there is a lot of activity in him in presenting himself. Moreover, it can be damn scary to designate oneself right off the bat. Because not everyone likes it when they are exposed to some conditions and restrictions. And such self-presentation can cause conflict.
“And as we were taught, to take care of others more than of ourselves. That being aggressive is bad. That conflicts should be avoided. And in general, to say directly what I want is selfishness.
❗NO.
If I care about others more than about myself, do not show aggression, avoid conflicts and deserve a "good" rating in the eyes of everyone around me, then I either get sick badly, soaking myself with my aggression, or I explode and still turn out to be a conflict in the eyes of those around me, an aggressive, selfish human, destroying those around him with his anger.
✅It's a completely different matter if I honestly denote the truth about myself "It's unpleasant for me / please, don't do this, please do this / we agreed about this, and not about that."
✅Thus, you give instructions to others about where something starts to "press" for you. And then communication with you ceases to be a minefield, where at any moment you can suddenly be blown up.
✅Then communication with you becomes much safer. Moreover, both for you and for those around you.
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