2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When we are faced with the topic of death, we are scared ourselves: we worry, we fall into a stupor, we are aggressive towards fate / circumstances, or we ignore the fact of a person's death, showing both ourselves and others that “everything is fine”.
Nevertheless, today I want to talk not about how to experience grief (which is also very important for you to understand what stages await you), but about what to do if you have children: how to tell them about death? is it worth inventing something? what scares them more? and what are the points to which you can pay attention.
So, what is important in any situation:
(1) One must talk about death, one must not lie. The child through your state will read that something is wrong. If he does not understand the relationship of your words and actions, then from this he will develop anxiety and complex emotional experiences inside him.
(2) You should talk to your child according to their age. The teenager can be told directly about what happened. A 3-5-year-old child can be told about the death of a relative using mythological language (flew to heaven, left to another world, etc.) never , so he can ask when he will return - you just need to calmly repeat that he will not return)
(3) when talking about a fact, you need to take into account the "language of the family" - the way it is customary to talk about death in your family system: some stable words and phrases
(4) it is worth taking to the cemetery whenever possible (this is a ritual, the completion of certain psychic processes). You can even take young children, but subject to several conditions:
- the child should be with an emotionally stable adult (not very emotionally involved, perhaps someone from distant relatives / friends / acquaintances). This adult child must trust and know him.
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the child needs to explain everything about the process (what is happening now, what is the goal, what will be next, what stages of the process)
the child does not need to be forced to do anything (kissing the deceased, throwing the ground, etc.)
the child does not need to be brought close to the process, even if he observes everything from the side with an adult
as soon as the child gets tired or says that he wants to leave - an urgent need to leave the process - this is very important
(5) after the funeral to live not only grief (the process can last up to a year), but also to remember the good about the past, to form a new way of life, not to be afraid to ask about the child's feelings (does he miss how he thinks that now with the soul of the deceased) so that he does not live his feelings on his own without help
(6) it is possible to go to a psychologist so that the process of living with grief in the child goes more smoothly. A child psychologist will most likely suggest art therapy techniques, sand therapy, discuss his thoughts, feelings, normalize the state and the belief that "I am to blame", "this is because of me" (children tend to come up with logical chains that it is because of them, this is a feature of children's thinking and position in the family system).
And most importantly, take care of yourself. Before the separation process, the child very much feels the state of adults and is guided by it. If necessary, seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist - this will contribute to both your emotional state and the emotional health of your child.
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