2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
This is not the first time I have come across such a question. And the very formulation of the question is strange to me. There are such opinions:
- generally evade the questions of the child, while small;
- to say that the parent has moved far away, or “gone to a better world”;
- tell about death, but do not take the child to the funeral, so that he does not see the parent dead.
This is what I remembered offhand. Let's see what happens to the child in these cases.
If adults shy away from answering the child's questions and do not provide any information, how does the child feel? - that there is a secret, that he is not worthy of this secret to find out that the adult who remained with him is to blame for the separation from the lost parent.
If the information given to the child sounds like "the parent has gone far away, or" has gone to a better world. " In this case, the child lives for some time in the hope of the return of the parent, this can be quite a long time. Life inside the little person turns into hope. All his thoughts begin with "this is when he will return …". Over time, hope is replaced by a feeling of uselessness, abandonment, abandonment and the baby is looking for the reasons that he was abandoned in himself, i.e. feels guilty. Thoughts “if I.., he would be with me”, “I’m bad, so dad (or mom) left (a) from me”, etc. are typical for children, because the child is egocentric, in his perception the world begins from himself and his actions. Oh, how hard it is even for an adult to live with such thoughts, and here is a child. And to be happy with these thoughts is generally impossible.
If the child is told about death, but they do not take it to the funeral, because they are “still small”. What happens then: the kids still do not understand that death is forever and it is difficult for them to understand that the parent will never return. And then it turns out that the child again lives with the hope of the parent's return. And later, when he grows up, he will most likely accuse the adult who remained with him for not being allowed to say goodbye and depriving him of this right. And this is true, it is his right to say goodbye.
Is there anything you can do to help your child cope with this grief, the grief over the loss of a parent?
It is possible and necessary. First of all - no deception and half-truths. No, the details of dying, especially if these were tragic circumstances, of course, should not be told to the baby. You can simply say that the parent is no longer there, that he died, that it happens, sometimes people die. If the parent was sick, then we can say that now he (the parent) no longer hurts, he no longer suffers.
Children react differently. Some children immediately react very emotionally - screaming, crying. And some, at first glance, remain calm and ask a lot of questions like: "and died - is it forever?", "And if I do something, will he come back?" and so on, but this does not mean that they are indifferent and insensitive. Every child experiences loss, everyone experiences pain. It is very important that the baby can cry - support him, cry with him, let him feel that you share his pain, his loss. Do not devalue his feelings, do not say that you need to be strong - to be strong at this moment - DO NOT! This applies to both adults and children.
Also, you should not avoid talking about the deceased. Talk, tell, ask, see photos. Tell us about the funeral. Let the child be prepared for them as much as possible.
Be sure to give your baby the opportunity to attend the funeral, say goodbye, take his beloved parent on his last journey, hear and say goodbye words. This is very important - it is the end of a real relationship. In the future, the child will only have memories.
It is important to remember that grieving in both adults and children is a process and it takes time for it to pass and complete. Support your child along the way as much as he needs it. If this is your common loss with him - grieve with him, this will unite you even more. And remember - a child's psyche is very flexible, it copes with losses much better than an adult, if you give the baby support and understanding. Not so much time will pass, and your child will be sad, but already without tears talking about the lost parent, will start smiling again and live life to the fullest!
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