How To Accept Growing Up Son. 7 Must-haves For Mom

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The door opened, and a well-dressed woman of about fifty entered the office, followed by a young guy of about 25. She sat down in front of me, he remained standing by the door. Her first phrase was: "Do something with him, he has 2 higher educations, he is so good with me, but for some reason he doesn't want to live." At the same time, the guy did not react in any way and continued to look out the window. In his eyes, there was no desire to receive help and generally enter into a dialogue. Therefore, my question was addressed to the woman: “Maybe you need help? Maybe you don’t know how to behave with your son?” To which I received the supposed answer: “What are you? He has problems. I dedicated my life to him, but he is ungrateful, does not want to live. " This is a real case from my practice. The mother took care of her son for 25 years, did everything for him and FOR HIM. And it is hard for her to understand that she has deprived her son of an independent life. That she took away from her son the desire to desire and choose. Even the desire to go to a psychologist took him away and she tries to control the choice between life and death. In old age, custody of her son finally begins to weigh on such a mother, and she brings her son to see a psychologist and says: "Do something with him." But she never admits that, because of his selfishness, her physically healthy son has become virtually a cripple - helpless and incapable of actions and an independent life.

Parent-adolescent relationship theme. Children who have already swung into adulthood with one foot, but have not yet been able to put a firm foot. Children who are 13, 14, 15. And older, older … Children of 25, children of 30, and even forty.

Will they ever be able to put a foot in adulthood?

Mom worries about the 16-17 year old forehead, that he is sitting at the computer, did not have breakfast until 12 noon, did not choose an educational institution, which he will enter in 4 months. And she has so much trouble about him - making breakfast, doing the laundry, bringing it, choosing his future place of study, and he sits at the computer and does not raise his nose. And the unhappy, anxious mother calls it: "He does not make a choice." Or, in another way, even more “softly”: “He cannot make a choice - he’s still a child”. And he begins to fuss, choose a university, negotiate with friends, lend money, pull him by the ears.

And he? That he is - he is nothing. He, like an amoeba, drags after his mother on admissions commissions, looking at YouTube and VK on the phone, but mom decides everything, you don't have to take responsibility for anything yourself. Goes to classes without motivation. After graduation, he cannot find the robot. Mom is ready to answer to this: "The time is now - you can't find a job in your specialty." And then my mother got the idea of a fix: "Shouldn't I go to university for another specialty?" Mom chooses the actual, the demanded and again looks for money, works for the good of her son and … And after a few years she comes with her son to a psychologist with the words: "Do something with him." And it was necessary to come 15 years ago.

It so happened that in most cases, mothers are engaged in upbringing in a modern family. Therefore, this material is addressed to mothers of maturing sons (for dads it will also be useful, and I in no way exclude dads from the process of raising children, it is just that dads have other white spots in their upbringing, which I do not mention here).

Our children grow and change, and together with them we, parents, need to change. Everything related to the life of children is very dynamic, and this has its pros and cons. And one of them is that they change very quickly, and sometimes we do not have time to change with them.

“In families with adolescent children, controllability problems may be related to the inability of parents to move from the stage of caring for the baby to the stage of respecting the teenager. In this situation, the old programs, which served well when the children were young, interfere with the development of a new form of family. Perhaps the children have already become accustomed to a new level of their development, while the PARENTS AT THIS STAGE OF OWN DEVELOPMENT HAVE NOT DEVELOPED NEW ALTERNATIVES. - family psychotherapist S. Minukhin tells us. That is, the parent can be a weak link in the tight and interconnected chain of family life. And as we remember, you don't even notice the beam in your eye.

The dynamics of the family life cycle distinguishes as a separate item the period when the child is going through a transitional age. This is perhaps the most difficult period for parents, for the child, and for the family as a whole. At this time, the internal psychological separation of the child from the family begins, the independence of his self-esteem from the assessment of the parents appears, all latent and explicit conflicts between family members become aggravated. The tasks of this stage of family development are: establishing a balance in the family between freedom and responsibility; creating a circle of interests for the spouses that are not related to parental responsibilities, and solving career problems.

I repeat, we must clearly realize that the forms and styles of behavior that we use with small children are unacceptable for adolescents and older children.

What exactly needs to be changed in her behavior for the mother of her son, who celebrated his 13th birthday and received a razor as a gift.

7 must-haves for mom to maturing son

1. Change the strategy of your own behavior … As you already understood, you need to start with yourself. You are a mother who gave birth and raised her child to 13, 14, 15 years old. Now this child needs help to become an adult. It is your direct responsibility to enable your son to make independent decisions. And it is your duty to LEARN to make his independent decisions and to WITHDRAW their discrepancy with your plans.

2. Transform maternal care. To do this, you need to change your usual form of communication. Caring in your usual format - you know what he needs and take care of him and his needs in advance - will now be harmful. It is necessary to ask your son questions: What do you think? What do you want? Why do you choose this? What are your plans for the next year, two, five? Such questions should become the norm for communication between parents and children from kindergarten age. But - better later than never. Ask questions, ask what he wants and likes. Consider his wishes and aspirations in everything. This is also a concern, but it gives an opportunity for the development of the child's independence. Doesn't want to have breakfast - don't. Let him go hungry. Believe me, when you stop persuading, he will come running to the kitchen in front of you.

3. Determine the boundaries of material support. Naturally, parents are obliged to provide their children with clothing, food, toys, etc. But few people think - to what age. It should be noted that every year after the age of 18, the financial support of the parents will decrease. The son should know that it will not be possible to sit on the parents' neck all the time. From 13-14 years old, you can provide him with the opportunity to earn his own small pocket money. For example, a high school student can be a tutor for an elementary school student, you can make handmade postcards and sell them at exhibitions, you can help neighbors walk the dog for a nominal fee, look after your younger nephew, etc. So that the limitation of material support does not look like a bolt from the blue at 18-20 years old, it is necessary to talk about it from 13-14 years old. And if all your life you are going to feed and clothe him, buy phones and computers, why should he strain and study, then do not be surprised at his passivity and unwillingness to develop independently.

4. Engage in raising the financial literacy of his son. A man is a breadwinner. Every woman dreams of seeing a reliable and earning man next to her. Your son will soon grow up. What kind of man will he become? Your future beautiful old age also depends to some extent on his ability to earn money.

At the moment there are many psychological games, among which there is a game called "Cash Flow" for the development of financial literacy. My recommendation is to let your child play this game. The school of knowledge of this format does not provide, and the modern world is tied hand and foot with the ability to own and increase your finances. It is very important for a man to be able to earn money, manage his income and be able to increase it. The main thing in this game is that over time, a certain strategy for dealing with finances is developed, which can later be transferred into real life. The game is conducted by the presenter, who shows the strengths and weaknesses of the tactics of the playing participants. Cash Flow can be played by families, there are adults and children.

5. Overcome your fear of his idleness. Parents should understand: "Even without doing anything, we are doing something." And always, even idleness will be followed by a result. And the person is necessarily responsible for this result after idleness. If your child does not care about his future, this is his choice and his future. If he doesn’t learn his lessons today, he will receive a well-deserved mark tomorrow. Not enrolling in a university this year, he will go to work, study at a vocational school and will reap the fruits of his laziness at work. Life will not end if he is too lazy and does not complete the lessons, but the result will not be long in coming. The quality of his life will depend only on himself. Give him the opportunity to stumble now, make mistakes and rise. Support him after he gets on HIS rake. Let him understand that water does not flow under the lying stone, that everyone passed the exam, and he was left out of work. Let him live a bitter experience and choose a work that will bring him joy. Everyone has the right to make mistakes, and by depriving your son of this opportunity, you are depriving him of life experience. Don't be afraid for him. Conquer YOUR fear. And young people are fearless. It will get up, shake it off and climb to conquer its peaks further.

6. Define your personal boundaries. You are just a mom. Loving and caring, but just a mom. You cannot live your life for him, you cannot always lay straws so that he can fall gently. You are not immortal or omnipotent. Teaching your son to make adult decisions and take responsibility for them, you will remain with him in his memory for life, and he will be grateful to you for this skill. By making decisions for him, you are tying the child to yourself with a rope of addiction, which will eventually weigh on you. Decide where your life and your desires end and your son's desires begin. It is at this point in adolescence that most family dramas are played out. When the mother does not have her own boundaries and does not feel the personal boundaries of the child, there can be no question of any self-determination.

7. The most golden word is Grandmother. Remember, your child is growing up. He becomes an adult and open to the world and people. For a while, you will become a minor figure for him. Now the opinion of his peers will be more significant for him. The period of graduation from school, entering the university, creating a family. All this will take time. You can finally devote it to yourself and in fact there is not so much of it, use it. After all, soon you will become a grandmother, and your love and care will again be in demand and needed!

Summing up, I would like to emphasize that the central task of adolescence is the child's SELF-DETERMINATION. The main sign of this age is the adolescent's need to take the position of an adult, to realize himself as a member of society, to define himself in the world (to understand himself and his capabilities, his place and purpose in life). Parents have every opportunity to create appropriate conditions. You just need to try a little and make an effort.

Let our children grow up free in their desires and in their choice, at one time we ourselves lacked this so much, remember?

Psychologist Svetlana Ripka.