2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
- Anya, go home!
- Mom, am I cold?
- No, you want to eat.
When a mother actively intervenes in the life of an adult son or daughter, this is a sign that the psychological boundaries of a mother and an adult child are blurred. Mom believes that an adult son or daughter still belongs to her, that she is responsible for his life and well-being. At the same time, happiness and well-being means exactly what the mother considers important, the opinion of her son or daughter is not taken into account.
Common phrases: I know better, I know better, I'm a mother, I'm trying for you, I'm worried about you.
You don't even have to live together for this. This can be daily telephone conversations, where you are required to give a report of what is happening to you, and in return receive a bunch of advice that was not asked for. If mom comes to visit, she immediately begins to clean the apartment, because "You have everything overgrown with mud." Or rearrange things: "Just as prettier." Cooking: "Because the soup was not salted." Raise your child: "He completely got out of hand." And give a lot of unsolicited advice on how to make your family's life and life better. When choosing a partner in life, work, friends, mom considers her opinion a priority. If you do it your way, then it is perceived as a deadly resentment and disrespect for the mother and her life experience.
How to make a difference and stop the invasion of your life? Have patience and learn to set and defend your boundaries in communicating with your mother. It means
- learn to say "no" if you don't need mom's advice, solutions and help now and are suitable,
- learn not to fall into guilt when mom is offended that you do not need her authoritative opinion,
- learn to understand yourself and try to convey to your mother what care you want from her and are ready to accept,
- to learn not to violate my mother’s boundaries myself - not to be overwhelmed by guests without warning, not to give unsolicited advice, not to extort help, even if you know that mother is uncomfortable, but she will agree anyway.
And be prepared for the fact that mom will initially resist, because in her head you are still a five-year-old child who is not ready for an independent life and all the attendant difficulties. You will have to persistently, regularly and methodically prove that you have grown up a long time ago, are completely independent and are able to make adult decisions. It is advisable to show this not only with words, but also with actions. A cry of despair "Mom, I am already an adult !!!" - does not work. And calm, confident and methodical: “Mom, I have been happily married for five years now, I have a job that is interesting to me, and in general I am happy with my life” can help relieve my mother's anxiety.
Unfortunately, the problem with blurred psychological boundaries, although it is the main one with difficulties in communicating with parents, is not the only one. Since when trying to build boundaries on the part of an adult son or daughter, other difficulties arise, which I will write about in my next articles.
To be continued…
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