2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
When I talk to people who are sure that their mother does not like them, I ask why they decided that. In response I hear:
- She swears at me all the time, she is not happy with me.
- She constantly complains about me to relatives.
- You won't hear a kind word from her.
- She doesn't help me at all.
- She is not happy about my success.
- She turns my children and my spouse against me.
- She brings me to tears.
- She prevents me from living.
- We fight all the time.
There are many things that can be listed in the arguments. And this is not told to me by teenagers, but by grown-up people, with their families and often even with their own children. In such cases with clients, I ask a lot of questions and listen a lot. I cannot know the answer to the question whether his mother loves him or not. For me, something else is important - what he feels, what it is connected with. Therefore, I try to find out what exactly he lacks from his mother, what manifestations of love are suitable for him, whether his mother knows about them, how the communication between them is built, and whether it is built at all.
And I also trust the client. As long as he thinks that he is not loved, in his reality this is so, I will never persuade him that in fact his mother adores him, but this is how she shows love so crookedly. Situations are different.
Feeling like an unloved child is painful. It hurts even more if your feelings are not believed. All this causes confusion, powerlessness and anger. Because mom is the closest person, especially in early childhood. And if my mother doesn’t love, then who is even capable of loving me ?! And why doesn't she love me? After all, she treats her friends well, he is touched by cats and dogs, but I only get screams and reproaches? Apparently it’s me, I’m not behaving like that, offending my mother, worrying, disturbing her - I take a lot of energy, there’s nothing left for love. There is an illusion that if I change, achieve something in life, stop hurting and upsetting her, then my mother will finally thaw out, hug me, tell me how proud and loves she is of me.
I would like it to be so. But, unfortunately, even if you reach the most transcendental heights in deeds, holiness in thoughts and deeds, this does not guarantee that your mother will change her attitude towards you.
I was impressed by the story of one client. She, being a caring daughter, took her mother to an expensive hospital for examination. The nurse who performed the procedures told my mother: "You were so lucky with your daughter! He pays for everything, sits here with you all day, supports, I suppose, I asked for time off from work." At that moment, the client saw her mother's face in the mirror - she was distorted with disgust and anger.
Even as a super caring daughter, you will not receive guaranteed love. Because it's not just you … A person experiences feelings based on his personal experience, capabilities, character, mental and physical condition and many other factors. Relationships and feelings are always the responsibility of both parties.
However, these are all rational explanations that do not discount the subjective feeling of dislike. You can feel like an unloved child in two cases:
- Mom actually loves, but she showed love in a way that was not suitable for the child.
- Mom really doesn’t love, didn’t want the child, wanted to get rid of it, gave it to an orphanage, etc.
And although these are very different situations, they are experienced initially in a similar way - as painful rejection by the closest person … This is exactly the feeling that was unbearable to experience in childhood, and which often stretches into adulthood, making separation and loss unbearably painful.
When a person discovers this, comes face to face with the experience of rejection, it becomes possible to burn off childhood loss. Yes, yes, exactly a loss. If there is a feeling that love was not enough, then it was expected, hoped, but not received. It is sad and sad, because that very coveted love could be received only then, in childhood, only from the mother she was 20-30-40 years ago. For me, this is the first stage in solving the problem when I feel my mother’s dislike - farewell with the hope of perfect love.
After that, it becomes possible to discern that offended and disliked child inside oneself, to find out what he yearns for, what kind of love he wants, how it is expressed, how it will become clear that he received it. And most importantly, there is a chance here and now to receive and accept support and love from loved ones, because now there is clarity - what needs in relationships I want to satisfy, that for me there are manifestations of love. This is the second stage - the discovery of oneself, one's unmet needs, a conscious search for ways to satisfy them.
And even further, after mourning the unreceived love, after discovering the unloved inner child, his consolation and nurturing, it becomes possible to find the mother. A real real mother who loved as best she could. Or didn’t love because she didn’t know how. This is the third stage - meeting with reality … And, based on this, it is already possible to build communication with a real living mother, if there is such a desire. And this may well be a relationship on a fundamentally new level, a relationship between two adults.
These three stages are rather arbitrary and based on my experience with this problem. And at each of them, as a rule, one has to meet with strong unlived feelings of childhood resentment, guilt, anger, powerlessness. Often you have to go in a spiral several times through each stage in order to say goodbye to childhood grudges against mom, with the hope of getting “real” mom's love from an ideal mom. And I don’t want to say goodbye, and this is so humanly understandable, because in this case you will have to grow up, become a loving mother to yourself, and this is a serious inner work.
I would be grateful if in the comments you share your thoughts and experiences on this topic.
To be continued…
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