Illusions That Keep Us From Growing

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The final illusion is the belief that you have already lost all illusions. Maurice Chaplein

One friend told me about how his boss, who had safely gone on maternity leave, came to visit her former department a few years later. Considering how things change in the office environment, over the years, a lot of new things have appeared, and some have just gone. Nevertheless, the questions asked by the boss indicated that her idea of the department remained exactly the same as on the last working day before going on maternity leave.

This often happens to us in everyday life. People with whom we have not communicated for several years seem to us the same as they were then. The cities in which we have not been for a long time seem to us exactly as we left them the last time. Why go far for examples - parents often still see us as children, turning a blind eye to the fact that we have grown up a long time ago. We often experience the same in relation to our own children.

Often we hold on to what is dear to us, important and understandable, even realizing that this is far-fetched reality. By taking wishful thinking, we are stuck in a world of illusion. The situation is aggravated when we consciously or unconsciously choose for ourselves an environment in which these illusory ideas are confirmed by others.

Everything would be fine, but over time, the desired perception of reality enters into a pronounced conflict with it. I am reminded of an anecdote.

Partisans come out of the forest and see a village. One of them addresses an elderly woman standing near the house:

- Grandma, are there any Germans in the village?

- What do you mean, dears, the war has already ended thirty years!

- Gee … And we still derail trains!

In real life, ridiculously similar things happen. And some are not funny at all when it comes to traumatic experiences. For example, when a person, in whose ideas there are still some pictures of childhood grievances, tries to build a serious relationship. The slightest unwanted deviations in the behavior of another can immediately make him "slide" into a reaction of resentment. Another said something wrong or didn’t say at all, didn’t notice something, didn’t do it, forgot… And again after that, the offended child turns on, who at one time did not receive attention, love, affection or a simple understanding of his feelings and experiences from the outside significant figures.

Sooner or later, the bearer of illusory ideas will face a "harsh" reality in which something will not work for him, despite all his efforts. He will say that he did everything he could, but still nothing comes of it. As if there is some let, preventing him from developing further and achieving his goals.

We do not grow further because we hold on to our illusions with all our might

What we consider "good" often pulls us back. For example, Berne, describing the different types of games that people play in his book of the same name, gives an example of a game called "bad husband." To play it successfully, you need to complain to your friends about your spouse, constantly talk about his shortcomings, in general, "wash his bones" in the most ruthless way. The win here is obvious - the more you complain about your husband, the more your friends will feel sorry for you. Whoever collects the most of these strokes in the form of empathy wins. Surrounded by those who play such a game, this way of behavior seems not that acceptable, but even beneficial in the form of pity and increased attention to one's own person.

Such games can be played on the male side, there is no point in assessing them as "good" or "bad". I gave an example solely to show the strength of our ideas about reality. If someone is convinced that it is good and important to complain about life, because this way you can get approval, compassion, then there will be nothing wrong with that until a certain point.

One day it will become clear that the old way of behaving and perceiving the world no longer brings what it used to be. Continuing to complain about life, loved ones, circumstances, we really do not get anything good. Life never gets better. Illusions have exhausted their power and now do not provide anything useful. But we can't just give them up because we secretly hope that those good times will return.

Empty hopes do not allow us to part with illusions

Empty hopes are the most dangerous trap that is easy to fall into, but very difficult to get out of. Even after the conflict of illusion with reality has already occurred, for some reason we agree to give the situation another chance. Here we often behave like the turtle from the parable about her and the scorpion.

One day a scorpion asked a turtle to transport him across the river. The turtle refused, but the scorpion persuaded her.

- Well, well, - the turtle agreed, - just give me your word that you won't sting me.

Scorpio gave his word. Then the turtle put him on his back and swam across the river. The scorpion sat quietly all the way, but at the very shore it hurt a tortoise.

- Aren't you ashamed, scorpion? After all, you gave your word! cried the turtle.

- So what? the scorpion asked the turtle coolly. - Tell me why you, knowing my temper, agreed to take me across the river?

- I always strive to help everyone, such is my nature, - the turtle answered.

“Your nature is to help everyone, and mine is to sting everyone. I did exactly what I always did!

Our illusions are often like the scorpion in the parable. Their nature is to take us away from reality, closing our eyes and ears and lulling the voice of reason. If we want to simultaneously live in reality and preserve our illusions, then we can find ourselves in the role of the turtle from the parable. Or in the role of partisans, derailing trains from an anecdote.

Is there any use for illusions?

At this point, the reader might have the impression that I am opposed to any illusion. But it is not so. In my opinion, illusions have a non-ecological effect on our life in terms of growth and development. Staying in them frees you from responsibility and the need to decide something in life. They protect against harsh reality, replacing it. The main question here is how long we decide to stay inside the illusion. If we choose to grow, then sooner or later we will overcome our own limitations. If we calm down and do not want to change anything, then we continue to walk in a circle.

Getting rid of illusions will only have an effect when we ourselves finally say no to them. This process cannot be delegated to anyone, otherwise real growth will not work.

I want to finish the article with a parable about a butterfly.

Once a small gap appeared in the cocoon, a man who was passing by chance stood for many hours and watched a butterfly trying to get out through this small gap.

Much time passed, the butterfly seemed to abandon its efforts, and the gap remained the same small. It seemed that the butterfly had done everything it could, and that it had no more strength for anything else. Then the man decided to help the butterfly: he took a penknife and cut the cocoon.

The butterfly came out at once. But her body was weak and feeble, her wings were undeveloped and barely moved. The man continued to observe, thinking that the butterfly's wings were about to spread out and get stronger and it would be able to fly. Nothing happened!

For the rest of its life, the butterfly dragged its weak body, its unmelted wings on the ground. She was never able to fly. And all because the person, wanting to help her, did not understand that the effort to get out through the narrow slit of the cocoon is necessary for the butterfly so that the liquid from the body passes into the wings and so that the butterfly can fly.

Life forced the butterfly to leave this shell with difficulty so that it could grow and develop. Sometimes it is effort that we need in life. If we were allowed to live without difficulties, we would be deprived and we would not have the opportunity to take off.

Vostrukhov Dmitry Dmitrievich, psychologist, NLPt psychotherapist, welfare consultant