The Child Became Uncontrollable. What To Do? (continuation)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In the first section of this article, we examined in detail the reasons for uncontrollable behavior in children - these are mistakes in upbringing, incorrect behavior of adults and a lack of independence in a child.

How can you help your child to become independent?

First of all, you need to understand why the child is willful. Maybe this is a protest against what is happening in the family? For this, it is very important to put yourself in his place and understand how the baby is feeling.

Often, rebellion is a desire to prove yourself. In most cases, parents who complain about their child's uncontrollability literally do not let him breathe freely. They try to control his every step and even his natural urges. Once I observed such a situation when the mother herself determined that it was time for the child to go to the toilet. To the objection that 5-year-old children themselves can understand whether they want to write or not, she firmly answered that her daughter is still too young to figure this out on her own.

A child who is constantly exposed to excessive care, perceives every parental proposal as another attempt to violate his boundaries, so he flatly refuses to do what is asked.

In order for more mutual understanding and cooperation to appear in the relationship with the child, it is imperative to reduce the number of comments and instructions, add respect to the child's opinion, and also allow him to make a choice at least in minor situations.

Here's another interesting example. The mother of a 6-year-old boy came to a psychologist complaining that the child does not obey, is aggressive and demonstrative. In the classroom, he behaved well - he was happy to do the exercises and in every possible way tried to earn approval: he collected scattered cards, arranged toys and was polite with other children. His behavior was adequate, children of this age do not know how to pretend and play roles. The boy was himself and there was no stubbornness in his behavior. Later it turned out that the kindergarten teachers and the taekwondo coach also had no complaints about Sasha's behavior. It became obvious that his aggressive behavior at home is a reaction to the domestic situation. Apparently there was something in the behavior of the family that traumatized the child.

The reason turned out to be that the boy was overprotected. If the child is paid attention to by relatives, it is good because he feels significant and loved. But if adults are too zealous in this - expect trouble, because when the good efforts of grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and godparents are directed at one only child, they literally suppress him with their care. Sasha's household did not give him peace for a minute. They constantly corrected him, gave advice and criticized him. Of course, they did it not out of malice, but because they wanted to raise him as a “Human”, but with this they literally strangled the child, so the boy lost his composure. At home, he did not have the opportunity to be himself, they constantly wanted to mold someone else out of him, he did not have his own space and his psychological boundaries were constantly attacked.

It is important to note that in fact Sasha is a very intelligent boy and in the classroom he understood others perfectly. And in the family he was considered small, stupid and helpless. After the adults corrected their limiting beliefs in relation to the child and began to treat him with great trust and respect, began to listen to his opinion and desires, and followed the daily routine, then Sasha began to behave differently at home.

A child is a small adult, therefore it is necessary to communicate with him as with an equal to himself, then he will grow up as a confident, calm and happy person

Often, children's uncontrollable behavior and irresponsibility is a manifestation of the fear of losing the love of their parents. With his antics, the child seeks to attract the attention of mom and dad. Parents raising a tomboy think that all they do is take care of the child. Unruly children really take a long time, and this is very annoying for adults, so they constantly pull and control him. And this is attention with a minus sign. Difficult kids need love and approval more than anyone else. And as soon as they begin to receive positive reinforcement, their behavior improves. Adults themselves, by their attitude to the child, create a vicious circle of childish willfulness, therefore, only adults can change this.

Sometimes it happens that self-will is not a reaction to adults, but a quality of a child's character. To a greater extent, this is inherent in boys. Therefore, it is very important to be able to competently educate him, builds relationships with him so that his leadership qualities really develop in a constructive manner.

Recommendations for the upbringing of willful children

Sequencing

When talking about their failures to call the child to order, parents often say:

“I don’t know how to find justice for him!” We tried everything, even the losin was powerless.

When trying to find a way to influence their child, parents often use conflicting parenting techniques, never bringing the matter to its logical conclusion.

- You need to be stricter with your child. I remember that it flew in from my father and on the priest, and more than once. And I grew up as a man, and you completely spoiled the baby - says the mother-in-law, calling for order.

- Physical punishment is unacceptable. This cripples the child's psyche and brings up an inferiority complex in the child, writes a popular psychologist about raising children.

And now the strict prohibition begins to undermine the pity for the child. I would like to mitigate his punishment in the hope that the child has learned his lesson and will no longer do this. The parent becomes unsure of himself, of his actions, he hesitates whether he is doing the right thing. This will disorient him.

And the child thinks that it is enough to have a good cry, hug the neck or throw a tantrum, the parents will give the back and everything will be allowed to him. Each time he achieves his goal, the baby is more and more convinced of his strength and parental weakness. Children are good manipulators, they quickly find the weak points of their relatives, and use it without a twinge of conscience. Every time parents give up their positions out of love for the child, they lay another brick in the wall of their son's stubbornness. And if this is repeated often, then the child simply becomes uncontrollable.

When parents prohibit something, and then, under the pressure of children's requests and insults, change their mind, the children perceive this as a weakness, and they will absolutely not appreciate it. Consistency in your decisions and actions is a sure way to earn children's respect and obedience.

If you said to the child: “No” or “you can't”, then this is never possible and even if it is very necessary, and simply unbearable, as you want and under sour cream sauce it is impossible. 2-3 times faced with a calm and firm parental refusal, the child will understand the limits of what is permissible and will no longer try to cross them. Only soft boundaries are attacked.

If you, I want to bring up a responsible attitude towards learning in your child, said that he did not count on your help in school matters, and that at the age of 18 he should start earning money, then you need to go all the way. You shouldn't wake him up the next morning instead of the alarm clock and check the briefcase.

- So if I do not control him, he will completely slide down and become a poor student? - say the parents.

From the fact that he sleeps a couple of times and earns "2" nothing bad will happen. On the contrary, there will be a lot of benefits. The sooner the child understands what the consequences of his actions are, the easier it will be for him in adulthood. It is much worse when a 35-year-old son decides to leave his official job, just not to pay alimony to his own child.

Approval and praise

At first glance, it seems that spoiled children are very fond of, so they will not add up their prices. In fact, this is not the case. Spoiled children very often feel irritated by their parents and those around them. In addition, overprotection and control, constant remarks and twitching form the child's attitude "I am bad." And as a result, the child grows up with an inferiority complex. Nobody likes to feel unfinished. One of the parents will say: "So let him try, do something, prove that he deserves it!" But such expectations will have the opposite effect, the child, instead of improving his skills in writing or singing, will prove to the whole world that the world is also bad. He will be annoyed by a beautiful drawing of a classmate, a new toy from a friend and other pleasant things in the life of others. He will seek to harm them. An example of this can be the history that has come down to us from ancient Greece. Once upon a time there lived a guy called Herostat. He really wanted to become famous, but no matter how hard he tried, he did not succeed. Then he set fire to the temple of Artemis. Naturally, this has earned him fame for centuries, but there is nothing to be proud of.

Self-willed children have a weakness - they are vain. This makes them very vulnerable, because, firstly, in their search for fame, they can do stupid things, and secondly, dishonest people can manipulate this.

It is important to note that every child comes into this world mentally healthy and feels comfortable and natural in the world. He accepts himself as he is and is open to the world. This position helps the child to easily explore peacefully, trust and unleash their creativity. But it often happens in the process of growing up, communicating with his parents, the child absorbs the attitudes of how others treated him and the world.

If she often said to a child: "Shame on you", "Fu, bad girl", "Slob", then this will lay the scenario of failure in his life.

When raising a small child, you need to treat him as a person who is worthy of respect and love. It does not need to be polished, corrected, improved and molded into a person. He is already a man. A man with a beautiful soul and a bright head, only his arms and legs require training. He has the right to know the world and make mistakes.

Just imagine, you came to the dance for the first time and after the first attempt, or after the third trainer concluded: "You are a mediocrity, your hands are hooks, and your legs do not bend." How much resentment and disappointment you will feel. And rightly so, because it is unfair. In order to dance more or less tolerably, you need to attend more than a dozen workouts. So why do we expect our little ones to do great things the first time around?

Not only a child, but every person needs approval, affection and acceptance. He needs stroking like air, both physical (a touch in his hand, a kiss, a pat on the shoulder, a smile, a gift) and emotional (words of support, an affectionate look, a smile, compliments and gifts). In order to be happy, a person needs at least 8 strokes a day. How many times have you smiled at your baby today?

It is very important to form the child's mindset “I am good”, “Everything is all right with me”. This is the foundation of adequate self-esteem, self-confidence, as well as excellent protection against manipulators.

We should also talk about praise. Praise for a child is a medicine that you need to be able to use and not overdose.

Some parents praise their child for any reason. Scooped up sand with a spatula? - Good girl! Poured sand into a bucket? - How lovely! Did you poop well? - Well done! And therein lies a mistake. Doing so can greatly harm the child. He will either get addicted to praise like a drug and become very dependent on the opinions of others, or he will be in illusions about his own superiority over others.

Learning to share praise and approval is very important. You should not replace the words "I love you", "I feel good with you", "I rejoice at your little successes" with the stereotyped "Well done!" on every occasion.

Instructions for using praise:

1. It is not the child's personality that needs to be grabbed, but his efforts and concrete achievements. “Oh, what a beautiful picture you have! Wow, did you draw a bird? It was not easy! And the flowers are almost like real ones! Don't just praise your child. The praise must be earned.

2. You can not compare the child with others. The words "You drew the best", "Sang the loudest" and "Jumped the highest" will form superiority over other people, which in the following will greatly complicate relations with others. If you still want to use the words "Most", then be sure to add "the most for me!". If you say: “You sang well, but Masha sang louder,” then this praise will leave a sediment in the soul of the child.

3. Do not make predictions for the future: “You will be a great artist!”, “You will become a champion!”. This can greatly neuroticize your child in the future due to the fact that he did not live up to your expectations.

4. Support words with non-verbal components - smile, pat on the head, pat on the shoulder. At the moment of a compliment, your attention should be completely focused on him, if you, without looking up from the phone, mutter "Keep it up!" Thus, you will devalue the child's work and the importance of your participation for him.

5. Note what was easy for the child, and what he had to put in effort. This will stimulate him to achieve and improve his results.

6. Don't discount your words. If you praised the child for something, then after a while you do not need to belittle his success with the words “You didn’t do it so beautifully”, “Hmmm, you are still learning and studying”, “It was not that important . This is a blow below the belt to children's self-esteem.

7. Encouraging the willful child to master difficult tasks - writing, counting, in addition to praise, you can use the complementary feeding method. For example, cut a candy into small pieces and say: “Let's make an agreement with you, you will circle 1 flower, I’ll give you a small prize, if you make another flower, I’ll give you a second one,” and, like in a circus, a trainer feeding dogs teaches them to follow commands teaching a child to write. After the child has mastered stage 1, you can move on to the second - "If you circle 10 flowers, I will give you 10 prizes." Then by 3, "If you get a yellow belt in taekwondo, I'll buy you a tablet," and so on. this method perfectly stimulates kids to achieve, they learn to work in order to get the result in the end.

As you can see, there are many options for expressing your approval of your child. The ability to express your feelings and give the necessary support will turn a fidget into a successful child, and then an adult.

Ability to negotiate without advances

Children and adults have different views of independence. For parents, this is order in the room, learned lessons, a walked dog and lights out at 22.00. For children, independence is equated with complete freedom, when you can walk until dawn, sleep until lunch, play on your tablet all day and buy whatever you like. Those. adults believe that an independent child must cope with his responsibilities himself, and children want to become independent and acquire many rights. Expecting children to enjoy their daily chores is not worth it. But it is very important to encourage them to work by empowering them.

For example, “Do you consider yourself an adult and demand that you be allowed out for a walk for half an hour more? Okay, but adults have responsibilities that you need to do. What do you choose: wash the dishes, cook breakfast, or take out the trash? (Choice without choice is an excellent technique in raising self-willed children. A child feels a certain freedom and can take a business to his liking, while an adult directs his choice in the direction he needs).

In order for a child to become an adult not only in a passport, but in his soul, it is necessary to introduce him to adult life and to show how everything works in the world he is striving for. For example, schoolchildren do not sleep during the day, but they study at home, students sometimes skip couples, but they can be expelled from the university for academic failure. Adults can do what they want - dance until the morning at the disco, buy branded things for themselves, but they have a duty to pay their bills, and for this they need to go to work or build a business.

From childhood, a child should understand that he is a small adult, so he should be invited to a family council, discuss vacation plans in it and show in practice what decisions, what consequences have.

When raising a willful child, it is very important not to give him advances, but to expand his rights in direct proportion to his duties. Otherwise, if he reaps according to the principle “I want me to have everything and nothing to me for it,” then the troubles will grow like a snowball.

Also, "uncontrollable" children often neglect the word given to them. It is desirable to nip it in the bud. It is necessary to teach the child that the value of a person is equal to the value of his word, and that only the fulfillment of agreements is the way to a successful life and happy relationships. Therefore, do not give him advances. If the son promised to buy bread on the way home and forgot, then you shouldn't feel sorry for him and eat the soup with croutons the day before yesterday. It is worth being firm and insisting that he go to the store. Doesn't want to? And what will he say if, sitting down to dinner, you suddenly forget to pour his soup into a plate?) Do not be afraid of hysterics. The screams can be endured steadily, and for slamming the door and cracked plaster, he will deserve an even more severe punishment.

Feasible requirements

The older the child gets, the more responsibilities he should have, but the assignment that you give the child should be on his shoulder. You cannot demand neat hooks in a notebook from a first-grader if he has never painted pictures or sculpted from plasticine before. He turns out to be crooked, not because he is a “mediocrity who does evil,” but because his fine motor skills are not developed. The more trained pens the baby has, the easier it is to master writing, and sports, modeling dumplings with her grandmother, and drawing help in this.

The child must be taught to be independent gradually. First, show several times how to put things, then let him try it himself, check that everything works out, and only then demand order from him in the closet. It is useless to say: "You are a schoolboy, you must yourself!"

Mastering a new business, the child will definitely make mistakes, do something out of place. Criticism and words: "Move away, I'd rather myself!" They will discourage the child from not only helping in everyday life, but also in adulthood will block his development, since he will choose only familiar things.

For example, you instructed your daughter to go to the store for eggs, gave her a certain amount of money and asked her to buy something for tea for change. Half an hour later, she returned home with a colorful package of farm eggs. To the question: "Where is the baking for tea?", She replies that there was not enough money. If you start scolding a girl for irrational waste of money, then in the future she will refuse your orders. And in part she will be right, as you expressed your request not specifically, and the child does not know how to read thoughts, and adults, by the way, too.

It is very important to calmly talk with the child, to condemn the situation. Find out from her why she chose the most expensive eggs, tell her, beautifully packaged eggs are no different from ordinary eggs except for packaging. And that you throw away the packaging in a couple of days. But the baked goods that could be bought for this difference can be eaten. Tell your child about the reasons for certain of your actions and the criteria for your choice, then he will understand your logic. Be sure to thank for the work at the end.

Games

The best way to convince a child to do something is to arouse his genuine interest. Games and fairy tales are very suitable for this. Even teenagers are much easier to convince to do something by using jokes, jokes and competitions.

Feel the difference.

- You give the child a sheet on which the numbers from 1 to 10 are scattered and say: “Count the numbers from 1 to 10”.

Or

- “On this piece of paper, the tsiferki quarreled and scattered in all directions, their commander“1”was already desperate to restore order. Let's help him and show him where which number is hidden?"

- "Take your toys away!"

Or

- “Attention, attention to all earthlings, the alien ship is preparing to land. He arrived in order to find toys that Sasha does not like. They will take them to their planet and play with them themselves. Come on, Sasha, if you don't want the aliens to take everything away, quickly hide everything in the locker."

I am sure that the game will inspire kids to great deeds. If you find how to present them with a business, then any feat of everyday life will be up to them.

Play with your children, remember how little you yourself were, and at least sometimes return to childhood. In addition to cleanliness in the apartment, playing with your child will strengthen your relationship, develop his imagination and teach him the necessary skills in an easy and fun way.

Correct teachings)

How to explain to a child how to behave properly at home, on a walk at school?

1. Show an example. Children do not act as they are told, but as their parents or authoritative adults do. Therefore, before making a remark to a child, it is worth asking yourself a question - in what situations do I behave the same way? When a child could see that I would do this? And before you start weeding in a child's behavior, it is worth taking a critical look at your own garden. You will find many similarities between your habits and those of a child.

Did you say to the kid: "Eat the porridge, otherwise you won't get the phone!"? Well, get a filback from him in the form of "Mom, give me the phone, I'll listen to you!" Moreover, children can go beyond the tricks of their parents. They can specifically behave badly, so that the parents occupy them in a way convenient for themselves and desired for the child - with computer games or cartoons. And do not be surprised later where the child learned to blackmail.

2. Telling stories. If you want to convey some idea to your child, then saying it directly - “Don't fight, otherwise they won't be friends with you” is not enough. Children have not yet developed cause-and-effect thinking to the required degree, moreover, everyone seeks to know life on their own experience. But if you tell the kid an instructive fable about how the piglet fought with everyone and then lost all his friends, and he was very sad - very effective. And after such a fairy tale, you can start a conversation with the child and ask him: - What does this fairy tale teach? Do you ever look like a pig? What will help the pig to get his friends back?

Stories and fairy tales are a great way to get your message across. No wonder the Bible is a collection of parables that teach a person about morality.

3. Refusal from long notations. Every person, even if he is small, will be offended if, like a fool, he is lectured about correct behavior 40 times in a boring tone and with an intelligent expression on his face.

The child should be given clear and concise instructions. The idea that you want to convey to him needs to be laid down in 15 seconds, he will not learn all further text, and monotonous buzzing in his ear will have no effect, except irritation.

Calm, only calm

In some families, screaming is the only way of communication between members of the household. In this case, demanding calm speech of moderate volume from the child is useless. Children do what their parents do, not what they say. If you notice that your child is yelling for any reason, then it is time to reconsider the style of communication with him and with other family members.

In fact, heightened tone, butt slaps, and blackmail are signs of weakness. If an adult resorts to such methods, then he has already signed in his own powerlessness to somehow influence the child.

The best and most effective way to keep a situation under control is to remain calm, confident in your own actions, and firm in your decisions.

If the kid throws up a scandal in public, then you should not give up your position out of shame, "What will others think of me." Passers-by will go their own way, and you may never meet again. And the shown firmness will be a good brick in the foundation of your authority. If you have already voiced your decision to the child, then stay on your own, the only thing that should be done in a situation when the child has dispersed is to give him time to calm down.

Prevention is the best cure

As soon as you begin to understand that your child's behavior begins to cause a lot of inconvenience to you and the people around you, it is worthwhile to understand this situation. If you close your eyes to it, in the hope that it will outgrow and everything will settle by itself, then the problems will grow like a snowball. A calm and happy child will grow up to be a healthy and successful person. But the neurotic will have to go to therapy for several years in order to eliminate the mistakes of upbringing, so is it not better, if a problem arises, to immediately contact a specialist and solve the problem in its embryo?

In addition, a well-built relationship with a child is a guarantee of a good atmosphere at home, a happy childhood and a joyful old age.

Teamwork of adults

If a child has behavioral problems, then all family members should take this seriously and coordinate their actions and principles of upbringing with each other. Perhaps this will not happen immediately, it will be difficult for someone to admit their mistakes or change their habits. But this does not mean that it is worth retreating. It is necessary to conduct a home council, or even several, in order to develop a plan and assign responsibilities. Every serious business requires planning and teamwork. And what could be more serious than your child's life?

The child must have:

- The daily routine, which is scheduled for the whole week, should have constant events - the time of getting up and leaving, the reception to write, visiting the kindergarten and walking, and there should be free time that the child can devote to himself and his studies.

- List "Not allowed". It should list those actions that the child should not commit, and that adults should not allow. There should be no more than 10 of them and everyone should agree with them and follow them.

- Acceptable penalties and fines. The adults and the child must understand what action requires punishment and must abide by these agreements. If the child is guilty, then it is worth "writing out a punishment for him," you do not need to close your eyes to the misconduct. Punishment should be simple, straightforward, and necessarily consistent. The purpose of punishment is to prevent unwanted behavior, not to take revenge for wrongdoing. The punishment can be deprivation of pleasure or the performance of some kind of work. Never use child abuse or assault as punishment.

By the way, if one of the adults performs actions that cannot be done by the child, then he will have to take responsibility for this. There must be a fair legal system in the family.))

- Target. If a child wants to get an expensive toy, then you shouldn't tell him: "If you behave well, you will get it." This is abstract, there are no deadlines. It is worth making the child understand for what specific achievements he can get it. For example, excellent marks in the report card or the next belt in taekwondo. And let all family members support the baby on the way to his goal. After reaching the current goal, it is worth setting a new one.

Sport

Sport is just a necessity for a spoiled child. In training, he will be able to lose all excess energy, emotions, and also recharge with endorphins, which will improve his background mood. Sport also develops discipline perfectly, because not only the coach, but also the entire children's team influences the child. Seeing that other children follow the coach's commands, the tomboy unwittingly gets involved in the process and does the necessary exercises.

Sport teaches a child to team interaction, improves his physical fitness, helps to gain self-confidence, and also teaches you to make efforts to achieve a result.

Personal space

A child in the house should have his own room, or at least his own corner, where the child can put things in order as he likes, where the things that are there will belong only to him, and he himself will be able to dispose of them at his own discretion. Many adults mistakenly believe that if the child is mine, then all his things are ours. This is a gross violation of personality boundaries, which leads to mental disorders. It is very important for children's mental health to have a small space in which they feel safe and where no one can enter without knocking.

Even if a teenager has a den in the room, and this does not fit into my mother's idea of what is beautiful, you do not need to go there with your own rules. This is his room and he himself is responsible for the order there. Often times, a mess is a way of protesting, as soon as the pressure goes away, the meaning of the mess disappears.

Family therapy

Each family is individual, therefore it is difficult to give universal instructions. In addition, each family member has their own habits and ways of interacting with the world. Sometimes knowing how to do the right thing is not enough to change your behavior. Family therapy is a good tool that allows you to find mutual understanding between family members, resolve overt and hidden conflicts, as well as gain constructive communication skills, which will make the family strong, happy and healthy in the future.

If a child has become uncontrollable, this does not mean that the child is bad, and is a real punishment and a cross that must be borne, it means that his parents do not have pedagogical skills to communicate with the child. In order to get a profession, people study for several years, to get a license - several months, in the same way, in order to raise a healthy and successful person, you need to master the art of communicating with children.