The Child Became Uncontrollable. What's The Matter?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Recently, parents have increasingly had difficulties in upbringing, which are associated with the uncontrollable, willful behavior of their children. Most of them, faced with this problem, instead of looking at the truth and agreeing that they themselves have spoiled their child, shift the responsibility to scientific facts and crises of age development.

The most frequent request to a psychologist from moms or dads who are already disappointed to cope with their child on their own sounds like this:

- My child is very self-willed, it is not easy to cope with him. I no longer know how to influence him, he doesn’t care.

Parents find the reasons for this behavior in a variety of ways, from heredity to ecology! These conclusions were shared by one mother who came to a meeting with a psychologist in order to deal with the problems of her teenage son. He was distinguished by his cheeky behavior. It turned out that his classmates do not lag behind him, and sometimes allow themselves such liberties that adults are shocked.

- We even discussed this at the parents' meeting, and we just can't understand why this is happening. Now everyone is afraid of adolescence because children throw such surprises! Here you grow it, you put your strength into it, your soul, money, and therefore suddenly once and here you are! They say that now smog and industrial emissions are very toxic. They poison children and they just become uncontrollable.

But at the school, which is located literally across the road, children behave in a completely different way: they learn lessons, attend electives and circles, show good results at Olympiads and communicate with elders respectfully.

How do cute toddlers turn into sophisticated teens?

All willful children have one curious characteristic. In vital matters, they are very dependent.

Marvelous? Yes, but if you think about it, it makes sense. Children who want to do everything in their own way, in fact, do not know how to serve themselves elementary. To make it more clear, I will give an example.

The boy Kirill is 5 and a half years old, and he "cannot bear any pressure from his parents." (What a beautiful formulation is now customary to use, respect is directly felt)). In addition, the kid quite skillfully manages the whole family: he speaks in an orderly tone, and if something does not suit him, he raises his fists at the elders. Everyone dances to his tune, but as for everyday issues, Kiryusha is absolutely not adapted to this. Getting ready for a walk is stressful for everyone because this preschooler doesn't know how to dress on his own. There is no question of washing the plate after himself, since he does not even fold his toys behind him. He cannot even spend 5 minutes alone with himself or with the coloring, he definitely needs a nanny, and he sleeps in bed with mom and dad because he alone is afraid.

Going to school, Kiryusha will learn how to dress independently, because his head still cooks, but, unlike his classmates, he will not prepare for tomorrow on his own in the evening - learn lessons and fold books. He won't even keep a diary. And why, because the grandmother herself will find out everything on the phone? Kiryusha cannot be entrusted with any important task. They will take him by the handle to school in the grade up to 8 in order not to risk it, because now there are so many fools on the roads! And the boy is absent-minded, suddenly gets lost.

But already in grade 10, Kiryusha will start skipping lessons and smoking under the school, and his irresponsibility will be noticeable to literally everyone he meets. Both teachers and relatives will begin to think that he probably has problems with his head or hearing, since he does not even hear the admonitions of adults from 20 times. He has at least a stake on his mother-in-law's head, but he ignores what his own frivolity can turn out to be for him.

In truth, the boy's mental capacity has nothing to do with this problem. In fact, Kiryusha has never been severely punished. He knows perfectly well that he can get away with any trick. The ancestors will grumble, cry out and skip to school to appease the principal and seek common ground with the teachers. And if something goes wrong, they will still find a way out. They are resourceful!)

Having become a man, Kiryusha will only look like an adult. In his heart he will remain a dependent, absurd child. How will this affect his family? He will not be able to take responsibility for his wife and children. Kiryusha will not be able to put things in order in his life either. In any of his misconduct, other people and circumstances will be to blame. He will believe that all failures are due to the fact that someone disliked him, or he got bad karma. It would not even occur to him that the real reason for bad luck lies in his laziness and complex character. It will slowly but surely slide down the incline. Alcohol, drugs and crime are a favorite way of solving problems of this type of person. In general, the prospect of such a child is not very good, to put it mildly. You can certainly hope that life will dot the "Y" and teach him responsibility, but will the child pay too high a price for the mistakes of the parents?

Self-will and spoiledness have very disastrous consequences in adult life - this is an infantile character, problems in personal life, career failures, and marginal behavior. Such children often end up in unpleasant stories that can harm their physical and mental health.

Likewise, uncontrollable behavior causes great harm to intellectual and personal development.

Paradox? It would seem that self-will is a manifestation of leadership inclinations in a child. He is more confident in himself, he has more abilities for creativity and exploring new horizons. But this is an illusion. Such a child is not used to making efforts, and always strives to choose the easiest way, i.e. entertainment.

In addition, children develop intensively when they have ideals, adults whom they want to be like. If they, besides themselves beloved, do not celebrate anyone, then they strive, they will not achieve anything. Why do something if they are already perfect?

Although, a person is designed in such a way that he cannot live without ideals at all, he definitely needs to rely on something or someone, but the child's idols will be such that adults are unlikely to approve of them. Often, such children admire tough guys from the cinema who deftly get out of various troubles with the help of fists and pistols, rock musicians whose songs are not distinguished by intelligence, criminals who play dominoes in the yard all day, punks, skinheads and other representatives of marginal movements … But such imitation will not lead to achievements in sports or in studies, the enhancement of culture and the development of art, but, on the contrary, will lead them to degradation.

An uncontrollable child lives in illusions, he believes in his uniqueness and privileged position, but in fact he turns into a typical character with a standard set of qualities. Remember the tale about the naked stupid king, who really wanted to be original, so he listened to two cunning crooks. They offered him an outfit that only the smartest could see, so he went to the demonstration naked. Likewise, teenagers who spend all their free time in the courtyards, striving to be special, remain very mediocre - one has tunnels in the ears, the other has 8 body piercings, the third has pink hair, and the fourth is all in headpieces.

How can parents allow this?

Indeed, how? After all, every more or less sane person understands what child carelessness leads to, but many parents are unable to return the child to the right track.

There are 3 reasons for parental helplessness:

1. Spoiled mum and dad are often confused with freedom, independence and independence. Such adults, deep down in their hearts, feel pride in their child: oh, how confident he is! Not that I am. I often feel squeezed, it is difficult for me to say a word, even where it is really needed, and all because my parents brought me up very strictly, suppressed my desires, and now I am suffering. And I will bring up my baby in a different way, I will not put pressure on him, let him grow free and feel special.

But the coin has 2 sides, and the consequence of such a parental decision is then disentangled by everyone. For example, a 5-year-old child is rude to an adult woman who made a completely justified remark to him, and his mother stands by her side and does nothing. Deep down, she is even happy with how a child can stand up for herself. But several years will pass and such free views will turn into a very unpleasant picture at school. The experience of the educational system during the perestroika period has shown that the rejection of strict methods of upbringing has disastrous consequences. Therefore, strict discipline is again introduced in the school. Even the most prestigious colleges and lyceums try to position themselves in the service market as institutions that provide a high level of knowledge, because parents pay attention to this first of all.

2. Adults take the easy route. And in this they are very similar to their children. If it is easier for a child to make a scandal than to clean up a plate after himself, then it is easier for a parent not to insist on his own, not to be firm, but to silently clean the dishes himself. It can be said that he does not have enough willpower, self-confidence and adult awareness. In doing so, the negligent gave birth after a while, trying to find justice for their child in consultation with psychologists, in a doctor's office, in a conversation with a teacher and even in the police.

3. Lack of communication with the child. In the modern world, cartoon characters, kindergarten teachers and teachers at school communicate with children much more than their own parents. Moms and dads either in an eternal race strive to redo all the cases, or hang out on the Internet. They take care of the child in a purely functional way, and do not attach importance to games and simple emotional communication. Children grow up like Mowgli, explore the modern world on their own, of course, sometimes their behavior seems wild. After all, only the ringing of a broken vase or the cry of a cat can tear adults away from important matters and remind them that they have a child. Let me give you another illustrative example from practice.

Recently, a young mother and her 6-year-old daughter came for a consultation. There were no obvious mental abnormalities in the girl, but she was very spoiled. Observing such a child, a person without psychological education would clearly suspect that something was wrong with her. Recently, the girl began to throw out such tricks that it began to significantly violate the boundaries and comfort of others. When it came to the fact that such problems are solved with the help of discipline, restrictions and punishment, the girl flatly refused to do this, explaining that this is contrary to her inner principles, and that such methods are not for her, since she is too kind.

- If you let the upbringing of a child go by chance, it can lead to disastrous consequences. The child is already not celebrating anyone, so in adolescence he can run away from home and join informal youth movements. In such a society, alcohol, early sex and even drugs are encouraged. - I said.

- And what can you do? Like many other teenagers, she can try drugs, and I can't trace it. I can't tie her hand and be with her everywhere. The main thing is not to get used to it. - Mother said somewhat indifferently.

To be honest, this parental position puzzled me a lot. The child does not yet know such words, but the mother has already dropped her hands. Moreover, the prospect of such a future for her girl seems quite acceptable to her.

This case is a vivid example of the fact that the inability to take responsibility is a trait that is inherited. But genetics has nothing to do with it, it's all the fault of limiting beliefs and destructive habits. While a child is small, he is physically and mentally dependent on his parents and largely copies their lifestyle. In order to change the child, it is necessary to correct the behavior of the parents, then the results will be evident. But the prospect of working on oneself does not seduce anyone, people tend to hope that everything will somehow be formed by itself. But this is an illusion.

If you take a fresh cucumber and put it in a jar of brine, then after a while it will become salty. You can persuade him as much as you like not to get salted, threaten him, chant mantras and bring in various specialists, the cucumber will still get salted, because the environment determines its condition.

Signs of being spoiled

1. Greed. Oftentimes, an unruly child is very selfish and is used to getting everything at once. Toys, sweets and fun are what his day is usually filled with. It would seem that if there is a lot of things, then this is easy to treat someone, but no, a spoiled child is very greedy, and does not know how to share his good with others.

2. Tantrums. At 2-3 years old, hysterics in children is the norm. They learn about the world and learn to declare themselves, their desires and feelings. With the right upbringing, by the age of 5, this way of self-expression comes to naught. But if a preschooler makes a scandal for any reason, this is a sure sign of being spoiled. He realized that in this way he could achieve his goal, therefore he manipulates adults.

3. Dependence on parents. If a child does not know how to occupy himself with toys, every separation from his mother is a huge stress for both, and he does not know how to serve himself in an elementary way, then you should think about the fact that not everything is perfect in your teaching methods.

4. Picky food. If a child has digestive problems and needs a dietary menu, then individual meals are a must for him. If the kid, who is all right with his health, constantly demands exceptional dishes, this is pampering.

5. Chronic dissatisfaction. A child who is constantly in a bad mood is difficult to please. Toys for him will be forever not interesting, the soup is not tasty, and friends in the sandbox will be harmful. His attention will be constantly directed to the search for new impressions, and upon seeing a bright scooter or a beautiful doll, he will demand to buy him the same one, but having received it he will quickly lose interest.

6. Beloruchka. A child under 3 years old should be helped to dress and put toys, but gradually these and many other small household chores should be within his power. If a preschooler does not wash his plate after himself, refuses to carry home a light bag of bread, and does not put his toys back in place, then this speaks of pedagogical neglect. If you do not take any measures, then at senior school age such a child will not even hit a finger.

7. Rudeness. When a child easily, effortlessly gets everything he wants, he ceases to respect his adults and believes that they owe him everything. He believes that he occupies a privileged position in relation to them, so he can allow himself a commanding tone and familiarity. If a child does not respect his parents, then he can behave in the same rude way with other elders.

8. Persuasion. If the family has a healthy environment, then the children hear the requests of the parents from 1 time and fulfill them. Of course, they are not robots and sometimes they need time to switch (1 minute). But if a child has to beg, bribe and coax in order to get something from him, then this is a sure sign of being spoiled. For such a kid, parents and grandparents are not authority, so he shows self-will.

9. Manipulation. If, in response to the refusal to buy ice cream, the baby begins to whimper and say: "Mom, you don't love me!" in the world, then this is manipulation. Children have a good instinct, and quickly identify the weak points of adults, and then skillfully influence them to achieve their goal. Manipulations need to be stopped in the bud and the child should be taught to honestly negotiate, otherwise, as an adult, he will not be able to build partnerships with people.

10. Demonstrative behavior. Unruly children love to be in the spotlight, sometimes in public places they begin to behave very badly - screaming, stamping their feet, grabbing other people's things without asking, interfering in the conversation of adults. Parents often feel ashamed for their child and for being a bad mom or dad. If you often have to blush for your baby, this is a reason to reconsider your approaches to parenting.

11. Irresponsibility. The greenhouse conditions that loving relatives sometimes arrange for their child are a disservice. Such a child does not know how to apologize and correct his mistakes, because adults do not give him the opportunity to feel what responsibility is. Fought with a child? - Let the boy not run up. Stole candy from the store? - Let the guards do their job better. To prevent the tomboy from doing wrong, the parents immediately correct the situation themselves.

12. Lack of brakes and frames. The words “no” and “no” for such children are only a signal that more efforts are needed - to whine for a long time, to throw a tantrum or to use manipulations. Such a child simply does not understand that there are restrictions and rules that apply to him. If the parents are firm, he perceives it as the end of the world.

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To be continued.

In the next section, I will give practical advice on how to correct the child's behavior.