Intrauterine Death Of A Child: Is It An Everyday Matter Or Is Grief Bitter?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The attitude towards the intrauterine death of a child, or, as the people call it, "miscarriage", is ambiguous, and far from always supportive. Unfortunately, very often a woman who has lost a child is left not only alone with her experiences, but also sometimes faces inadequate support, which increases the already intolerable feeling of guilt.

A few more stories

(All names, stories and details have been changed)

Lika, a little over 30 years old, long-awaited pregnancy, the first loss of a child at 10 weeks, the second loss of twins at 16 weeks. The third pregnancy ended well. I contacted about a tense relationship with her husband. In the course of the conversation, it turned out that her husband was not ready to have children, he said that she could give birth, but it was completely her choice, tried to pretend that nothing so terrible had happened, did not support conversations about losses, translated the topic. The mother-in-law repeatedly hinted that "the father did not want children, so they could not resist." None of the friends knew about the losses, Lika was ashamed to admit it. She tried with all her might to forget about what happened.

Maria, over 20, desired pregnancy for both spouses, loss of a child at 7 weeks. During the first week, both her husband and close relatives provided support, but after a week they began to say at first gently and then explicitly that “it’s time to calm down already”, not understanding why she continues to be so worried. Including on the part of friends who reassured me by advising them to “forget” and start new planning as soon as possible. Maria also decided that she just needed to erase this event from her memory, start life from a new leaf.

Natalia, over 30, desired pregnancy, loss at 25 weeks. She applied a year after the loss of her child, being in a serious psychological state. Attempts at a new pregnancy were unsuccessful. Trying to find help, she turned to the temple, where she learned that the child had died because he was conceived not in wedlock, that this was her punishment. Natalia really believed it, especially since the child's father suffered from alcohol addiction. I was especially worried that the child died unbaptized, and his further fate is sad. All the time he remembers the day when the loss occurred, does not find support in the environment, since “it would have been a long time to forget”. She especially often recalls how she told her longtime friend that she had lost a child, she at first sympathized, and then, when asked about the details, she began to be perplexed, because "this is not a child yet, why should you be so killed."

A woman's attitude to herself after the intrauterine death of a child

Each family is unhappy in its own way, but, of course, it is impossible not to notice or ignore the common features. Summarizing these and other stories, it can be noted in relation to the woman herself:

- a feeling of guilt that “everyone can, but I can’t”; what "did not save"; “Too worried / drank a glass of wine / smoked a cigarette / overexerted”; “Why did I make up my mind at such an age,” “I didn’t pray diligently enough, I didn’t visit all the shrines”, “I pay for my sins of youth”;

- a feeling of shame that others “will see problems with the birth of children”, that “she’s all sick, I can’t give birth”, that “I worry too much, burden my loved ones”, that “my husband is sick, and because of this …”;

- resentment, disappointment that they do not understand, do not support, do not see problems;

- desire to forget as soon as possible, start over, plan a new pregnancy as soon as possible; devaluation of a loss situation.

Attitude of others

- ignorance, misunderstanding and inability to support in this situation;

- underestimation of an event, a simplified attitude towards it, a sincere belief that “there is not a person there yet”;

- own experience of abortions on such terms, affecting the possibility of support;

- denial of experiences, unwillingness or fear to face someone's pain, avoiding situations and talking about loss, persuading to forget as soon as possible and not worry;

- manipulation of the concept of sin and retribution for the “sins of the fathers”, the use of clichés about “God's will” and that “a child could have been born sick or would have committed serious crimes, which God does not do, all for the better”.

Why is this happening

I would like to highlight separately two fundamental reasons for such reactions both on the part of the woman herself and on the part of the environment, even if such an environment consists of people who position themselves as believing Christians.

a) post-abortion syndrome

First, it is the post-abortion syndrome characteristic of a society in which abortion at any time has been practiced for several generations. Misunderstanding, depreciation of the situation is due to the fact that most often the loss occurs during the term, when other women, not having the opportunity to give birth to a child for some reason, have an abortion. Where to get compassion when there is no understanding of the value of human life from the moment of conception, when there is an idea that a child is not yet a human being before birth. Understanding and supporting a suffering woman means recognizing that losing a child during pregnancy is indeed a cause for suffering. It is a question of the personal meaning of the event. Indeed, for a woman who has lost a desired child, this is truly a tragedy. But when faced with such a depreciating reaction from the majority, she may have doubts about the adequacy of her suffering. Indeed, if "there is not a person there yet," then "I need to forget it as a bad dream and move on." As if it was not the loss of a child, but some kind of complex operation, temporary disability, a difficult time in the life of the family, a test.

b) inability to support in case of loss

Secondly, it is the inability of others to support in a situation of loss. I can admit that even with a psychological education, I personally felt embarrassed when I first encountered a situation of loss with a friend. Knowing the theory, I could not utter a word, I wanted to run away, I was scared to face her experiences. And then, I also underestimated the events, because the child was only 5 weeks old. Only two years of experience in the psychotherapeutic service in emergency situations, when we supported the relatives of the victims or visited the victims in hospitals, helped to choose the right words, not to be afraid of pain and despair.

Moreover, due to the lack of a culture of mourning in society, the suffering person faces misunderstanding not only in the situation of reproductive loss, but also in the situation of the death of a loved one. It is rare when people from not the closest environment withstand the anniversary, wondering why a person, after 3-4 months, continues to suffer the same way.

Unfortunately, the inability to adequately support a child in a situation of intrauterine death can also be found among those who are often approached just in moments of despair. Turning to God, a grieving person needs spiritual support, which he tries to find in the person of a priest. But the ability to support a person is not an additional option that is automatically connected when receiving dignity, and the attitude towards loss can be very different: from accusations of a woman in the “sins of the fathers”, that “her mother had abortions,” “that she went against the will of God,” "Pregnancy from a fornication", "had an affinity in fasting"; from abstract and neutral “God gave, God took”, “God's will for everything” and so on, to a very subtle and deep understanding of the situation, support and joint prayer.

It is important to understand that a lost child must be mourned, said goodbye. It must be admitted that the child died, that his death is as real as the death of any other person. He just lived for a few weeks. After all, at the death of any other person, we do not try after a week to “try to forget and live from a new leaf,” but experience various emotional reactions associated with the experience of grief. It's okay to grieve for a lost child. This is a natural, healthy mental response to a traumatic event. If for some reason this does not happen, then emotions will still find their way out, and it can be very destructive for the body, and for the soul, and for the spirit.

Grief can take a long time to work. It is not for nothing that they wear mourning for the deceased loved ones for a year, they celebrate memorable dates. You should not be offended or surprised by the slow psychological recovery. The work of grief is a delicate mental work, and it takes time.

What not to do

1. One should not underestimate the severity of suffering, regardless of the gestational age at which the loss occurred (“it's good that now, and not after childbirth,” “he could have been born sick”);

2. avoid talking about it, reduce the significance of the event, explaining the condition with something else (fatigue, ill health, lack of sleep, etc.);

3. to rush the improvement by offering entertainment, drinks; limiting mourning to some time frame ("you should be better already!");

4. one should not do with general phrases ("hold on, be strong, take heart, every cloud has a silver lining, time heals")

5. To impose your understanding of the situation, to look for the positive aspects of the event (“you don’t have to quit your job or school, move, raise your child alone”);

6. offer to live for the sake of other children, and rather give birth to another ("better think about the living; you have someone to take care of; you will still give birth, young");

7. do not discuss this situation with anyone without the consent of the woman;

8. do not tell her that her long-awaited baby was "a clot of cells / embryo / embryo / fetus"; do not say that nothing terrible happened, calling the miscarriage "cleansing";

9. do not blame her for what happened, even if it seems to you that there is a share of her fault ("well, you yourself were not sure if you needed this child");

10. do not point out to her the likelihood of being a “bad mother” if that child was born (“you cannot control yourself, what kind of mother would a child be?”).

11. One should not explain her condition by any physiological reasons, hormonal changes (“these are all hormones, pms, you need to check the nerves and thyroid gland”);

12. do not rush to resume sexual intercourse ("if you want it so, we can have another child").

13. You should not talk about the punishment for the "sins of the fathers." “In those days, they will no longer say:“the fathers ate sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge,”but each will die for his own iniquity; whoever eats sour grapes, his teeth will be set on edge”(Jer. 31: 29-30). A child who died during pregnancy or in childbirth, or was born with some kind of disease, does not pay with his life or health for the fact that his parents did or did not do something. Only an adult, endowed with freedom of choice, bears full responsibility for it. The baby has no choice at all. "You say: 'why does the son not bear the fault of his father?' For the son acts lawfully and righteously, he keeps all my statutes and fulfills them; he will be alive. The sinning soul, it will die; the son will not bear the fault of the father, and the father will not bear the fault of the son, the righteousness of the righteous will remain with him, and the iniquity of the wicked will remain with him. And the wicked, if he turns from all his sins that he did, and observes all My statutes and acts lawfully and righteously, he will live and will not die (Ezek. 18: 19-20).

14. Telling a woman that her unbaptized child will go to hell does not inherit the kingdom of heaven. No one living now can answer this question, no one knows what fate awaits these children.

How to help?

1. Provide support only if you have the strength to do so. If you are too involved in the situation, do not understand or actively disagree with the fact that the woman is too violent, in your opinion, worries, just limit your communication for a while so as not to provoke painful conversations.

2. Listen to her, help her talk, keep the conversation about the child, do not be shy about her and your feelings, hug, let her cry in your presence as much as she needs. Say that you are sorry, that you sympathize and condole. Feel free to say that "you can't even imagine what she might be experiencing now, but you want her to know about your willingness to support." Be prepared for mood swings, unexpected or illogical, in your opinion, reactions and actions.

3. Show sincere concern, understanding, unload with household chores, help arrange sick leave, vacation, weekends at work or school, help with other children, visit her (with her consent), call (unobtrusively). Try to gently isolate the woman from communication with those who might hurt. Perhaps you should seek professional psychological help.

4. If it is important for a woman to call the child by name, mark for herself the dates of the expected birth, conception or loss, support her in this.

5. Do not forget about the feelings of the father of the deceased child, his brothers and sisters. If any of them wants to discuss with you, share their feelings, support them.

6. If a woman is worried about the fate of her unbaptized child, then tell her that St. Theophan the Recluse gave the following answer: “All children are angels of God. The unbaptized, like everyone outside the faith of those who exist, must be given the mercy of God. They are not stepchildren or stepdaughters of God. Therefore, He knows what and how to establish in relation to them. The ways of God are abyss. Such questions should be resolved if it was our duty to look after everyone and attach them. As it is impossible for us, then let us take care of them to the One who cares about everyone."

Please remember that at first it can be very painful for a grieving woman to see someone from her family and friends pregnant or with a baby. This does not mean that she does not love you or blames you for something, it is just that the pain of loss can be so great, and the disappointment from unfulfilled hopes is so strong that it may not be possible to see someone else's happiness.