When A Child Is “uncontrollable,” How Can This Be Changed?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Parents who are dissatisfied with the behavior of their children often turn to a psychologist. In most cases, they prefer a psychologist to take care of the child and leave the parents “untouched”. When a child is “uncontrollable,” how did it happen? And who should "manage" it? Children need to establish boundaries, in a clear understanding of what is allowed and what is not. They need to be in the right place in the family system, and in an understanding of family ties. Who, to whom and by whom in the family. It gives a sense of security. Children want harmony between all family members. They just want to be GOOD and FAVORITE. Practical example. Permission to publish received, name changed. A five-year-old girl Masha was signed up for a consultation by her aunt. When I expressed my wish for my mother to be present, she resolved this issue as well. The aunt's initiative is the "first swallow", announcing that the mother does not want to take responsibility for what is happening. But when she is told what to do, she agrees, she is a "good girl." Mom turned out to be a quiet, modest woman. She spoke in a barely audible voice, often nodding her head in agreement with my words. Only her bright red hair contrasted with her entire pale appearance. It turned out that for the first time my mother was going to go with Masha alone on the train to her relatives, but she was afraid that she would not be able to cope with her daughter. The girl is uncontrollable. She only does what she wants and does not listen to anyone. To my question to Masha: “Who do you live with?” She replied that she lives with her mother, her mother's parents - grandparents. And dad. “Daddy doesn't live with us,” Mom says. “No, he lives, you’re lying,” Masha comes up to her mother and covers her mouth with her hand. Gradually it turns out that Masha's father is much younger than her mother, they never lived together, and in general, her mother was "disappointed" in him. Masha is a late and only child, her mother gave birth to her at the age of 40. “I’m afraid she’ll be as crazy as my grandmother (father’s mother),” says my mother. My grandmother is 57 years old, she is active, energetic, engaged in the distribution of cosmetics. "Therefore, Masha is interested in her." Mom is against Masha talking with her father and grandmother. In response to my proposal to draw a family, Masha drew her mother - in the center, then her father and herself, then her father's parents - on the other side of her mother. After a little thought, Masha said that in the center of the drawing is herself, and that the figure that was originally drawn as Masha is her mother. The fact that Masha drew her father and his parents suggests that they play an important role in her life. Emphasizing their significance with the drawing, the girl protests against the ban on communicating with them. Masha did not draw the grandparents she lives with. And this speaks of the anger addressed to them. All the rules in the family are established by the grandfather and grandmother. Grandparents control every step of the daughter and granddaughter. The girl's mother still feels like a child, not separated from her parents. Masha dreams of "a child or a cat."

She wants to take care of someone. But, grandmother and grandfather are totally against it. "Cats are uncomfortable and messy." If you observe how children interact with animals, you can learn a lot of interesting things, children copy their parents. And the parent does not always like such a "mirror". Machine mom told a story from her childhood when she played with the cat and behaved exactly like her mom did to her. “I made the cat eat what I give him, put on children's clothes on him. And when he didn’t want to, she resisted, beat him. When my mother saw this, she was very angry. But I was just repeating her behavior. " Who do mother and daughter perceive themselves to be in relation to each other? I invited Masha to tell her mother: “You are my mother. And I am your daughter. " Masha said the other way around: “You are my daughter. And I am your mother. " With all her behavior, Masha demonstrated that she was in charge here. It was difficult for the girl to define her role in relation to her mother. She felt herself now the mother of her mother, now the mother herself, now her sister. It was obvious that Masha was fighting for power with her mother. Hugs her when she wants to. Says: "You are my redhead." It was difficult for Masha to feel like a daughter, because her mother did not take the role of a mother. She could not define boundaries for her daughter, allow her to show feelings, have her desires. As it turned out in the further process of therapy, and the therapy was long, Mom herself did not know how. Skills began to come gradually, my mother allowed her daughter to communicate with her father and his parents. To do this, she had to confront her parents. The more often my mother began to say “no,” the more mature and confident she felt. Masha has a cat. The girl felt protected with such a “new” mother, she recognized herself as a daughter.

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