2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Sometimes important people drift away. And we are moving away from them. This can happen abruptly or gradually. But this is always accompanied by pain. After all, an important person … And we can rack our brains for a long time: what is happening? Why? What have I done wrong?
And here there are two options: one is that there is some kind of discrepancy that we are powerless to eliminate. I'm good, he's good. But we are very, very different and there are so few points of contact that it is impossible to detect interest in differences. And this is probably about powerlessness in a relationship.
The second option is that I can do something like that in a relationship, poison them with something. Do not feed, do not fertilize - like flowers or trees, but, on the contrary, poison every day. And I may not notice this at all, and then, when the relationship breaks down, I wonder: how can this be? After all, everything was fine.
Stages of relationship development
Any relationship has stages of development. The first stage is the stage of merging, when there is "we" and "we are good together." As in the song: “I am you, you are me. And we don't need anything. " This is one of the most pleasant periods, many people feel very good in it, and they want it to last forever. This stage is based largely on the feeling of novelty that we experience when we get to know a partner, and especially when we learn about what is similar in us and what can delight, delight (for example, a partner has characteristics that we would like have yourself).
But this stage always passes. Sooner or later, several months or years - and then the stage of differentiation begins. That is, when we notice that we are different, there are places of conflict of interests. It is at this stage that many couples disperse, some want to return what was, and go to see a psychotherapist. Sometimes partners manage to go through this stage on their own, that is, to be able to agree on interests, while maintaining respect for everyone's personal space (go to the stage of autonomy, and then integration). Sometimes - to achieve such a result, professional help is needed.
I want to explain how, at this point of exit from the merger, when interests begin to clearly differ and both partners strive for more freedom, the relationship begins to deteriorate. It is at the stage of differentiation that we can begin to poison them without noticing it ourselves.
How We Poison Relationships
Many people somewhere unconsciously dream that their partners would be like them - think like they did, do like them, and then it will be possible to endlessly experience this sweet sensation “I am not alone!”. On the other hand, they also unconsciously dream that their partner would be different from them - and different in such a way that they would only be pleasantly surprised, admired and rejoiced.
Usually, those who grew up in such “confluent” families, where similarities were cultivated, and it was dangerous to have autonomy and differences, tend to “go into a merger” and not leave it. If someone is different and has his own needs, it is necessary to drag him "back" by all means.
As soon as I notice that the other thinks and does not like me, and wants something completely different, I can unconsciously use various manipulations in order - bypassing his free will - to force him to be like me and do what I like to me.
What does it look like?
1. I start to criticize my partner. "Why do you need this?", "You are kind of stupid if you want to do this." I use questions or interpretations that will carry the character of evaluating or devaluing the thoughts-feelings-actions of the partner, as well as doubts about their appropriateness.
2. I begin to show my resentment to my partner. I leave contact - I become silent, I stop explaining myself and being around. A dumb reproach. I give my partner a specific message: if you want to bring me back into contact, do what I want and be what I want.
3. I am angry with my partner, or I am furious. I begin to blame my partner for ruining my mood and generally influencing in every possible way to make me feel bad. The partner is a priori guilty and is obliged to do everything to change my state - and, therefore, to do as I want.
4. I threaten my partner. "If so, I won't be in the house tomorrow." "I won't give you any more money." “I will take from you what I gave (I will not take the child, I will not go to the parent meeting, etc.)”.
5. I act out my displeasure by incorrectly expressing myself about my partner in front of other people, damaging his reputation, telling about him personal, intimate information that is known to me. "Yes, he throws his socks around the room every day!"
What makes us poison our relationship
Projections. Our partners can remind us in their manifestations of other people - parents, close relatives, with whom there may be (or were) not very rosy relationships. When we are not aware of this substitution, we unconsciously react to some "familiar" manifestations - with certain feelings - anger, resentment, and, as it were, we want the partner to stop causing these feelings. The easiest way is to somehow change it by applying manipulation.
We can also project something into our partner that we do not allow ourselves. The partner is angry, he does not want to go to the cinema today. If I’m angry and don’t allow myself to want something (and he - an infection - allows!), It will be very difficult for me to agree with him - “yes, okay, you don’t want to, I understand you”.
Partner envy. He does something better, he is somewhere more talented and smart. And I have to "stand at the stove and serve it." I do not allow myself (I am scared or ashamed) to realize my talents and abilities, but he allows and he succeeds! Out of envy, I can unconsciously "put a spoke in his wheels." For example, devaluing his achievements, or even not reacting to them at all (there are none), reproaching him for being there, and I am here (“at least take my sneakers out of the way!”). I express my doubts that his new idea will find success ("Yes, everyone is doing this, wild competition, why do you need this? You will burn out!").
Desire for revenge. For example, there have been many cases in a relationship where I have not forgiven my partner. He did something that I was offended, I was silent, perhaps not realizing my own damage, and the offense became deep and multi-layered, and every now and then - involuntarily "splashes out". Of course, I may not be aware of my desire to take revenge on my partner. Maybe - in small things, and maybe in a big way. I often “forget” to prepare food, waste money in casinos or shops, come at the wrong time, seduce other women / men. Many options for revenge can be found.
I can say for sure: if you do all of the above, over time, the relationship will become unbearable - and you will either need to end it, or continue to endure. Psychologically moving away and away.
That allows you to return closeness and warmth
1. A confidential conversation with a discussion of the points listed above. To conclude an agreement that both partners try not, under any circumstances, to use “prohibited techniques”.
2. Partners also make an effort to track themselves in situations where poisoning programs unknowingly begin to work.
3. If it is difficult for partners to notice their unconscious processes, their responsibility is to take a consultation with a psychologist and undergo a course of psychotherapy to increase their awareness and the ability to take responsibility for their contribution to the relationship.
4. The main language of healthy relationships is the language of direct requests. I ask you this and that. “Stay with me for these 15 minutes”, “please listen to my story”, “help me with this”, “hug me”. A request is an appeal to another person with some proposal. The main feature of the request is that the asking person is ready to accept both consent and refusal. If the refusal is not accepted internally, it is not a request.
5. The basic principle of any horizontal relationship (that is, not parent-child) is the principle “I myself am responsible for meeting my needs. My partner is next to me because I am more pleased with him than without him. Principles like “my partner is responsible for my happiness” do not fall into this category.
6. Sincere concern for your partner. I do something nice to someone else, because I want to and I have free energy for it. I do not expect every time from him some definite gratitude or some definite deed in return. I can give.
And finally.
Not all relationships can be saved. And this does not mean that everything is hopeless. It's just that not all relationships can be saved.
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