2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Intimacy in a relationship is a great value that speaks to the quality of that relationship. As opposed to addicted relationships. Proximity is primarily a process of approaching - moving away. It is a constant choice of the distance of comfortable interaction with the Other, and this distance is always unstable
It is always the risk of being unmasked and unprotected in the face of vulnerability, loneliness and rejection. It's like a dance of two partners, two personalities. Where there is an ability not to depend on the Other. There is the ability for unity and autonomy, there are boundaries of I and YOU. When I love you, but today I want to read a book and retire, not feeling guilty about leaving you alone. When you want to support your partner, but now he is annoying … intimacy is experienced as the integrity of life in the presence of another person. Proximity is always a two-way process.
The ability for close relationships presupposes, firstly: the desire to get closer to another person, and secondly, the ability to feel one's own boundaries, to distinguish and respect other people's boundaries, the ability to be separate. And to face your loneliness and rejection, to live it without collapsing at the same time. For this, a positive experience of living alone and rejection must be formed. The important thing is the experience of living intimacy and trust in childhood … with my mother.
Some, after childhood traumas, do not dare to have such a living experience at all. It's easier to go into cynicism, humor, having sex, rejection, run away … in your own defenses, in general, do everything so as not to risk reliving the experience again, when the one who is so needed not just rejected my offer or my act, he rejected ME, me in my essence, blaming in passing for some of my badness. Therefore, in order for intimacy to happen, it is important that trust is formed in the relationship.
It is also impossible to talk about intimacy, ignoring the phenomenon of addiction. They are two different experiences and a different experience. But people often mistake addiction for intimacy, but this is not the case. In a dependent relationship there are no separate autonomous personalities, here I am not separate from the other, there is no way to see the partner as he really is, when there is no me without the other person, there is no life, when I cannot be without him. But it is also difficult to be with him.
In such a relationship, it is safe, there is no responsibility for oneself, and all responsibility is shifted to the partner, he must take care of me, satisfy my needs, where he is more of a parental figure. In such a relationship, there are many expectations of unconditional acceptance and love. In fact, it resembles a child's parental relationship, when he did not separate from his mother, from her sissy … and the partner, in fact, continues to be this mother ….
The road from addiction to intimacy is a whole path of growing up, living the experience of acceptance, rejection, loneliness, disappointment and unjustified expectations for the world and a partner. Establishing the boundaries of the individual, thus separating oneself from the other. And the risk of living closeness, feeling it in touch with the Other. Where are you - are you.
And I am me. If we meet each other by chance, that's great.
And if not, so be it. So closeness may or may not happen … then so be it.
Closeness to you in a relationship!
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