2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I recently wrote an article about the peculiarities of the internal phenomenology of children raised by "killing dead mothers."
These are mothers who, of course, are alive, are close to their children and even take care of them.
From the outside, some may even consider them ideal … But there is one BUT..
Their children have never felt next to such mothers that they are truly loved, needed, important and accepted.
Most often, the phenomenon of "killing dead mothers" occurs in children of "dead mothers". This term was introduced by Andre Green and you can read more about this syndrome.
In this article, I would like to talk about the behavioral features of people who have grown up with a "dead, killing mother". (the term is borrowed from Olga Sinevich here.)
It is important to point out that the feeling of love in a "dead killing mother" is always associated with aggression, conscious or unconscious.
This is because in childhood they could not receive love and warmth from the most important and dear person for them - their mother. And now any love and affection is subconsciously associated with danger and disappointment, which always gives rise to anger and aggression. This anger and aggression subsequently spreads to another important person in their life - to the child.
That is, the more intense the degree of affection and love, the higher the degree of aggression.
Usually, the aggression of such a mother manifests itself in:
- constant attacks and demands on the child;
- the desire to change the child and make him better;
- reproaches to the child for lack of respect and love;
- hyper control and overprotection;
- Excessive focus on the child's illnesses (the influence of repressed aggression);
- anxiety about the occurrence of unpleasant situations with the child, accidents (the influence of repressed aggression);
- focus on their projections, and not on the personality of the child;
- complete or partial lack of empathy;
- frequent outbreaks of uncontrolled aggression;
- chaotic behavior and unpredictability of the mother (today you can do this, but tomorrow you will be punished for it).
Connections with similar characteristics of the mother, the child, in turn, grows up with his own characteristics:
- increased anxiety and expectation of danger, misfortune, accident, imminent death; (repressed maternal aggression introjected onto oneself);
- a feeling of a "hole" in the heart and a split perception of oneself;
- partial or complete lack of self-image (my characteristics, values, desires);
- fear of error and "wrong choice" (especially the consequences of this choice);
- the eternal search for a "universal recipe" - how to stop being yourself and become someone better;
- low self-esteem;
- auto-aggression, often unconscious (sometimes a subconscious desire for death);
- inability to accept love, support and care from others;
- often lack of desire to give love, support and care for loved ones;
- constant doubts about the love, respect and acceptance of other people;
- affective outbursts of aggression (uncontrollable);
- violation of sensitivity;
- lack of awareness of their own feelings of love (often these feelings are also accompanied by aggression).
Thus, we can observe that this phenomenon is practically passed from generation to generation.
For those who recognized some of these signs in themselves and in their mothers, they probably felt anxiety for themselves and their loved ones.
But this article is not about hopelessness and "snowball", but about healing and the way to discover Love within yourself.
There is some observation that can help many people to "heal".
The first step is realizing your aggression. Aggression against your own child, husband or wife, parents and other loved ones.
The second step is to notice the expression of this aggression towards loved ones ("why did I just now think that if a child gets his feet wet, he will definitely get sick and die", "why do I pay so much attention to my child's shortcomings", "why sometimes they come to the head of the thought that going up to the baby's bed, I can find that he is no longer breathing ")
The third step is to learn how to control your affective outbursts of aggression. This is a long and difficult process. Gradually realizing the previously hidden aggression, affects will become less. But here it is important to stop yourself “in front of me is my child, I love him. This is not anger towards him. This is the anger and resentment of my inner child, my mother. What is happening now is my projection, which has nothing to do with my child. The child loves me, he does not wish me harm. He doesn't want to deprive me of his love."
The fourth step is to realize that the aggression that you find in yourself is your love.
It's just that once upon a time, it became very dangerous for you to love. Love is full of disappointment, resentment and pain. Over time, you may have completely forgotten what it is like to feel love. So, the thread that will lead you to your love is hatred and anger.
If you are angry, hate, try to feel your fear and your resentment. It is behind him that there is that cherished feeling that was once buried in childhood.
Let this feeling inside you. This is an unconditional feeling of love that only children are capable of in relation to their parents. Let in and feel. Together with love, there may come a lot of pain and a lot of self-pity.
The fifth step is to pay for your fate, your childhood, your mother, your unfortunate love. Live this grief. Live the grief, realizing that nothing can change. You will NEVER feel needed, accepted, loved, and you will never get the support you need from your mother. All this was necessary and important there and then. And here and now this child has long been gone, and that mother is no longer there. Only the ability to love remained. To love as that child once loved his mother.
The sixth step is to accept your destiny, your mother, your specialties. Allow yourself to be that way. You have already come a long way out of suffering and worry. You are now worthy of happiness. You really have the right to do so.
Seventh step - don't lose sight of your love. Remember that everything you do, even all your affects, is driven by love. One day the scales will outweigh. And the "hole" in the heart will be filled with love, but now your love, which you can pass on to your children, gradually healing yourself and the next generations.
Because you are full inside. You are capable of love.
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