2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Do I even exist?
I was here just now with my parents, we celebrated Easter. A wonderful holiday, life-affirming. The end of the fast, again, the table is bursting with food.
It's time to say goodbye and my mom asks:
- Do you eat jellied meat?
- No, I don't eat at all.
- And how much do you put in?
To be honest, the question was puzzling … I was at a loss and even looked back at my brother in search of support. Like, I'm somehow bad, I do not understand the answer? And my brother smiles at me like that, they say it is so customary for us.
He answered again: "No, I don't need jellied meat at all."
And relaxed. But in vain. In vain I believed, in vain I did not control, because guess what was waiting for me at home in a bag under a layer of their cakes? That's right, OH!
You say, they say, but what is it? Well, mom, she takes care of her son and granddaughters, she is ready to give everything, and I'm so skeptical here, and even under such a title. You may be right. You can be patient once. Get into the position, do not conflict, score …
And honestly, how much are you willing to condescend, understand and close your eyes? Do you know what this is fraught with? I'll tell you now.
Research has shown that there are a number of factors that literally drive a person crazy. This is not a figure of speech, this is schizophrenia. When mom says she loves, but she repels. Hands, eyes, pursed lips. The classic double bind. The child cannot contain it completely and chooses to rely on one part of the message. And he ignores the second, splitting his psyche.
And the second, no less important study, is rather brutal. It turns out that if we are not noticed, then this is the worst thing. More terrible than punishment, rage, devaluation. In the experiment, a large group of dummies ignored one test subject. At all. She pretended that he was not at all. After a while, the subject began to show signs of schizophrenia.
Now let's take a close look at the sweetness that a caring mother makes.
At first she seems to pay attention and asks: "Do I eat jellied meat?" This is wonderful, they see me, they are interested in me, I turn on and am ready to share. But actions - the second question and most importantly, the jellied meat in the package - refutes the first message. It turns out that my words and actions do not influence the other in any way. He ignores me, but says that he is attentive. You involuntarily ask yourself: is everything all right with me? Do I even exist?
Okay, I'm 40. And if a person is 4 years old? And mom for him is the whole good world, without whose care he will die? I can’t even imagine the total confusion of a child who is being systematically ignored like this. What is left for him? Only "eat what they give."
Love, care, tenderness, passion - everything can be violence if it does not rely on the response of another person. For some reason, people often, in a fit of their bright feelings, forget about it. And they put an equal sign: love means I have the right to show love in any form.
In reality, feelings are an inner experience of a person. And it's great when people experience the same feeling and are ready for mutual manifestation of it. But here's the problem: I love my mom. And I am pleased that she loves me and cares. I don't like being ignored. I am afraid that I will not be noticed, crushed, raped with something good. I have no strong protection from him.
I can protect myself from rage and anger, from devaluation. Stop. Leave in the end. But from the "good" feelings of the other, I freeze, fearing to destroy them by careless actions. Indeed, as a child, I, and many of you, were undernourished with this tasty and good food. Specifically, you can take me "lukewarm" and do with me something from which then I can not come to my senses for a long time. Because he didn’t stop.
How to stop it? After all, this close and mega-caring person is sure that he is doing good. Does irreparable benefit. And this confidence increases his strength a hundredfold, removes the shame that accompanies the act of violence in healthy people. Then you need more strength to defend your borders too. And the form must somehow be chosen so wonderful that the "benefactor" does not offend. A sophisticated form of aggression is this concern, I tell you. It is much more subtle and cunningly arranged, it penetrates and wounds much deeper than direct aggression.
So children grow up who, just in case, refuse gifts. From help. From care and tenderness. Because it's not safe. First, you need to check the person thirty-eight times, and not whether you are a rapist, dear person … And still you never fully believe. And get ready to jump back, a little shadow of danger flashes.
Often in adulthood, you have to re-learn to take the risk of allowing someone closer, to love, to approach yourself. It takes a lot of courage and strength. Because the past experience cannot be put anywhere, it is with us forever. Like that jellied meat, which you refuse, you refuse, and it is again there, at the bottom of the soul.
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