You Can Not Forgive Your Parents

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It is strange for me to read when they write that: “You must! forgive your parents if you want to become an adult”, without understanding the context and plots, and the damage that was caused to the child's psyche. That it is imperative to come to gratitude to the parents, and even to "dig out" this gratitude, this is the only way to be an adult.

I have many questions about such stereotypes. I cannot fit into them with my client and therapeutic experience - parents are different!

The child is offended by his parents, this is part of the growing up and separation process. He will find and find something to be offended at, and "good enough" parents, but my article is not about them.

I am grateful to those authors who wrote and write about the fact that you can not forgive parents when it becomes clear what their actions led to what consequences.

It is so accepted in our culture that parents are sacred! And such a taboo lies in the public consciousness. That even scary to think that parents may be wrong, may be "criminals", committing a crime and causing damage to the psyche and health of the child, this is not always regulated by the rules of law, although what can be regulated by these rules and law is often hidden and is wrapped in mystery and the seal of silence is imposed. What I mean is violence: sexual, moral, physical.

I mean dysfunctional family systems. These are different families, different social strata, not necessarily dysfunctional. Where a child is injured repeatedly and constantly, sometimes from the moment of his birth. Where parents don't take their adult responsibility. And to this there is not even sensitivity and understanding of what is happening, something is wrong. Such an expression as "fed the carcass, shit in the soul" - well describes this process.

Such a child is a symptom of the family, a "scapegoat". He sacrifices himself to his parents out of love for them, he is like a pawn in the "adult game" of his parents. The consequences of the life of such a “child” in adulthood are obvious to me as a psychotherapist - prolonged recurrent depressions, neuroses, addictions, self-destructive behavior, “perforating identity”, traumatized sexuality. Traumatized children often remain attached to their parents before reaching emotional maturity.

In the course of therapy, it becomes clear that the child in such a family was a universal container for the release of various suppressed feelings: anger, sexual arousal, shame, guilt, aggression, and disgust. The confusion of parent-child roles, where a child can be on a par with an adult - feel proud that the mother initiates adult conversations into soybeans, and in fact uses him. That, the mother is already in the position of a child, and is waiting for her daughter, her son to be "adopted". Such children learn to take responsibility for their parents, and also for their younger brothers and sisters. They do it, but at what cost?

The boundaries are blurred, and the whole f * cking happening is the neurosis of the mother and father, for which they are certainly not responsible. Adults do not take responsibility for what happens to them and cannot provide protection and safe maturation for their child. Failure to satisfy his childhood needs will forever leave gaps in his identity, loneliness, emotional hunger, toxic shame, guilt, sealed pain, anger will seek a way out in adulthood, frozen, unmet needs will wait in the wings to be satisfied …

The mothers of such children can be passive-aggressive, codependent, psychologically immature women, cold, domineering, who are not able to emotionally support the child, and be an adult figure for them. But what support, in their trauma, they can project onto their child what their parents did not give them and demand that their children fill in deficits and compete with their own children. Such children are orphans. Psychological orphans….

In fact, they are such "bad objects". As one American psychiatrist Michael Bennett in his book, calls them assholes. This is a tough definition and it has a place to be.

Parents were also children, and they had their parents, they are “products of their environment” and from this position one can understand why they are like that, why they did this, what their “wounded inner child” is like and how he suffered … not monsters to deliberately inflict suffering. They are traumatic …. But this does not relieve them of responsibility for their lives and their behavior towards their children. For the consequences of trauma, physical and mental violence.

So how to forgive?

Many authors do not even raise this question at all, and do not shield their parents. Forgiveness is a choice. And it does not guarantee that everything will work out, parents will change, life will change and everything will be fine. It will be different and for everyone in their own way.

• "Forgiveness" is the most common defense to keep in touch with bad objects. Here you need to first figure it out well, is not forgiveness a childish way to stay with parents, in the hope of changing them?
• Forgiveness of parents is necessary in order for the relationship to continue, so that the need for belonging is satisfied.
• Forgiveness is more needed by the children themselves, who have not separated from their parents, who have not found a fulcrum and themselves, and who still need a parent, albeit such.
• Forgive in order to follow the religious beliefs and stereotypes "Honor your father and your mother", which inspires guilt and does not allow you to look at your trauma and suffering, while maintaining tolerance towards parents and family. A lot of resistance can arise here, when you clearly understand and see the whole truth….
• Forgiving, we declare to the World that we can be treated like this, and " Victim" goes on

When it is known for certain that a separation has occurred, many people choose to distance themselves in order to move away from their parents so that they cannot do harm. And in this case, too, there can be no talk of any "forgiveness".

This song is about forgiveness: "Do not forgive, you will be worse, psychosomatics will torment you." It is not clear whether it is better or worse. That one has to go through the process of grieving and living the pain, that's for sure. Acknowledge the truth about your injuries and that your parents will not change and will not make up for the loss. Do not take their responsibility, and that the sacrifices were in vain, no one compensates, does not admit his guilt and disobey.

Toxic shame, guilt, self-deprecation, self-destructive behavior, low self-esteem are protections from pain and trauma and the ability to maintain a bright image of parents, sacrificing oneself over and over again.

To forgive or not, everyone decides for himself. There is always a choice! And not a stay. Everyone will have to decide this question for himself. And it’s not easy. Sometimes it can take more than one year of therapy, where the image of oneself is assembled piece by piece, eyes are opened to facts, responsibility and guilt are given, support is found, repressed feelings are lived, it is definitely more difficult, longer than going into "forgiveness" overpowering oneself and again close your eyes, without the ability to change your life.