2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Source: ezhikezhik.ru
Should I talk to my parents about the past? And what if they deny everything? How to forgive a deceased parent and is it possible to discern parental love in criticism? Psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya told about this at the lecture "Childish grievances: is there a chance to mend already damaged relationships?"
Try not to forgive, but to understand
They didn't have a resource
Remember that they had a very hard life - work, lack of money, getting food, laborious life, standing in lines. The heavily wrapped parents were not psychologically sensitive and gave their children the resource for which they had enough.
They were young and inexperienced
It can be very helpful to remember what age your parents were at the time. Often these were people 25-26 years old, inexperienced and insecure.
No need to be silent
If you feel resentment towards your parents, don't be silent about it. It is impossible not to admit that you were bad. For a very long time this topic was taboo and there was only one option: "Parents are holy people, they raised you and gave life, you need to love them, respect and not complain" or: "If you felt bad, it's your own fault."
Don't be around with childhood traumas all your life
This is the other extreme. It would be nice not to spend your whole life complaining about your parents and explaining all your failures by mistakes. Try not to live your whole life under the banner of "child of an alcoholic", "a person who was not loved by my mother" or "a person who was beaten in childhood." Sometimes such a period of trauma is needed, but it would be nice if it ends.
When we were children, we had no choice whether they would offend us or not. Now we have a choice - we can leave the trauma just as an experience, or let the trauma shape our personality.
If you can't get out of it on your own, contact a psychotherapist, you don't have to live in this state for years.
Try to talk about childhood grievances with your parents
Should you try to convey to your parents that they were wrong? Sometimes it helps. Parents have become calmer, wiser, they are no longer as worn out as before. They are already raising grandchildren and often discover the qualities of warmth and acceptance. Some of them are already ready for such a conversation. Sometimes they can admit and express regret for past mistakes. And this can be the beginning of a new warm relationship.
Sometimes an acknowledgment of responsibility is simply necessary
This mainly applies to cases when there was a serious abuse from the parents. Just admit what it was. This recognition can often be the only condition on which children agree to continue to communicate with their parents. It is necessary to say in plain text: “It is very important for me that you admit what it was. I don’t need an apology, but it’s important that no one pretends that I made it up.”
Leave them the right not to admit their mistakes
If the parents defend themselves and say: “We did everything right, you are ungrateful,” they have the right to do so. You have your own picture of the world, and they have their own. Sometimes their psyche denies and displaces everything. Re-educating a person at 70 is a bad idea.
But often this means that there will be no close relationship between you.
Have pity on yourself little
When we receive grievances from our parents, we are in the position of a very small being. You are not a judge, but just a small child who had no choice. And when we think - to forgive or not to forgive, then we accept responsibility that we do not have and could not have. We cannot be older than our parents, we cannot judge them "from above". We can acknowledge our feelings and, from today's adulthood, feel sorry for ourselves when we are little. Explain to yourself to a little one that, in fact, you cannot do this with children, so that he at least hears it from someone adult.
Allow yourself to be sad
At some point, you need to allow yourself to be sad and admit that you did not have something in your childhood and will not have it anymore. Because your parents just couldn't give it to you. And that might make things easier.
Don't expect your parents to change
Very often, the childish hope that the parents will change is behind the claims to the parents - the dad will finally praise, and the mom will finally fall in love. And dad and mom didn’t praise and didn’t love, simply because they, in principle, were not capable of it. They have their own difficult childhood, their own circumstances and their own psychological profile.
Learn to translate your parents' love language
Quite rarely, there are parents who are not at all capable of giving anything, but only criticize and reject. Sometimes their love language is simply not the one we would like to hear. We are waiting for good words, and their love is to bake pies for us and feed us to the bone. We must learn to translate their language into our own. Let's say your mother grumbles all the time, but at the same time she prepares you endless borscht and washes the dishes. These are her pies, borscht and dishes and there is her "I love you."
Sometimes criticism is also a concern
Endless criticism is such a parental amulet. It seems that if you tell the child all the time what is wrong with him, then he will someday understand everything and will finally do everything right. If you see it from this side, then it will not destroy you so much. We must learn to treat it this way and treat it as care.
If your parents are dead, then your claims will definitely not harm them
A deceased parent is not all that different from a non-deceased parent. After all, when we are offended, we are offended not by today's parents, but by those parents who were then, at the moment of the offense. Sometimes the dead are idealized and it seems that it is forbidden to think badly of them or to make claims against them. But if they have already died, then your claims will definitely not harm them in any way, and it may help you. Sometimes it is necessary to express anger and pretensions in order to discover the ability to love. By removing the resentment, then you can deal with the warm part of the relationship that you had.
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