Rejecting The Father: A Must-Read For Everyone

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Lukovnikova M. V

At the reception: (6-year-old boy, severe neurotic disorder)

- Who do you live with?

- With mom.

- And dad?

- And we kicked him out.

- Like this?

- We divorced, he humiliates us, he is not a man, he ruined our best years …

At the reception: (teenager 14 years old, severe migraines, fainting, unlawful behavior)

- Why didn't you draw dad, after all, you are one family?

- It would be better if he did not exist at all, such a dad.

- What do you mean?

- He fucked up his mother all his life, behaved like a pig, now he doesn't work …

- And how does dad feel about you personally?

- Well, she doesn't scold me for deuces.

- … all?

- And all … what from him? I even earn money myself for entertainment.

- And what do you earn?

- Weaving baskets.

- Who taught?

- Father, he taught me a lot, I can still fish, I can drive a car, a little wood, so by the spring the boat was tarred, we will go fishing with my father.

- How do you sit in the same boat with a person who would not be better in the world at all?

- Well, in general, we have such an interesting relationship … When my mother leaves, we are fine, she does not get along with him, and I can even with my mother and father, when not together.

At the reception: (6-year-old girl, communication problems, inattentive, nightmares, stuttering, nail biting, etc.

- Why did you draw only mom and brother, but where are you and dad?

- Well, we are in a different place, so that mom was in a good mood.

- And if you are all together?

- That's bad.

- How bad is that?

-… (the girl is crying)

Over time:

- Only you don't tell your mom that I love dad too, very much.

At the reception: (a teenager with a severe neurotic disorder)

- Does your son really believe in the death of his father?

- Yes! We told him this on purpose, otherwise God forbid he wants to meet with him, then you will not overcome heredity, but my grandmother and I only say good things about my father so as not to worry and strive to become a good person.

At the reception: (boy 8 years old, severe depression and a number of other diseases

- What about dad?

- I do not know.

I appeal to my mother:

- You are not talking about the death of your father?

- He knows, we talked about it (mom is crying), but he doesn't ask, and he doesn't want to look at the photos.

When mom leaves the office, I ask the boy:

- Are you interested in learning about dad?

The boy comes to life and looks into my eyes for the first time.

- Yes, but you can't.

- Why?

- Mom will cry again, don't.

Broken families

During my work with children, in my practice, I had to face the following facts:

Children love their parents equally, regardless of the behavior they exhibit.

The child perceives mom and dad as a whole and as the most important part of himself.

The relationship of the child to the father and the father to the child is always shaped by the mother. The woman acts as an intermediary between the father and the child, it is she who broadcasts to the child: who is his father, what he is and how he should be treated.

The mother has absolute power over the child, she does whatever she wants with him, consciously or unconsciously. Such power is given to a woman by nature so that the offspring can survive without unnecessary doubts.

At first, the mother herself is the world of the child, and later she brings the child into the world through herself. The child learns the world through his mother, sees the world through her eyes, focuses on what is significant for the mother.

Consciously and unconsciously, the mother actively forms the child's perception. The mother also introduces the child's father, she broadcasts the degree of the father's importance. If the mother does not trust her husband, then the child will avoid the father.

At the reception:

- My daughter is 1 year 7 months old. She runs away from her father screaming, and when he takes her in his arms, she cries and breaks free. And lately she began to tell her father: “Go away, I don’t love you. You are bad.

- What do you really feel about your husband?

- I am very offended by him, to tears.

The attitude of the father to the child is also shaped by the mother. For example, if a woman does not respect the child's father, then the man may refuse attention to the child.

The same situation is repeated quite often: as soon as a woman changes her inner attitude towards the child's father, he suddenly expresses a desire to see the child and participate in his upbringing. And this is even in those cases when the father had ignored the child for many years before.

Rejected father

If attention, memory is disturbed, self-esteem is inadequate, and the behavior leaves much to be desired, then the father is sorely lacking in the child's soul.

The rejection of the father in the family often leads to the emergence of intellectual and mental retardation of the child's development.

If the communicative sphere, high anxiety, fears are violated, and the child has not learned to adapt to life, and everywhere feels like a stranger, it means that he cannot find his mother in his heart in any way.

Children find it easier to cope with the challenges of growing up if they feel that mom and dad accept them whole, as they are.

A child grows up emotionally and physically healthy when he is outside the zone of problems of his parents - each individually or as a couple. That is, he takes his place as a child in the family system.

The child always "holds the flag" for the rejected parent. Therefore, he will connect with him in his soul by any means

For example, he can repeat difficult features of fate, character, behavior, etc. Moreover, the more the mother does not accept these features, the brighter they appear in the child.

But as soon as the mother sincerely allows the child to be like her father, to love him openly, the child will have a choice: to connect with the father through the hard or to love him directly - with the heart.

The child is devoted to mom and dad equally strongly, he is bound by love. But when the relationship in a couple becomes difficult, the child, by the power of his devotion and love, is deeply involved in the difficult that hurts the parents. He takes on so much that he really does a lot to alleviate the mental suffering of one or both parents at once.

A child can become a psychologically equal parent: a friend, a partner. And even a psychotherapist. Or it can rise even higher, replacing them psychologically with their parents. Such a burden is unbearable for either the physical or mental health of the child. After all, in the end, he is left without his support - without his parents

When a mother doesn’t love, trust, respect, or is simply offended by the child’s father, looking at the child and seeing many manifestations of the father in him, consciously or unconsciously makes the baby understand that his “male part” is bad.

She seems to say:

"I do not like it. You are not my child if you are like your father. " And out of love for the mother, or rather because of the deep desire to survive in this family system, the child still refuses from the father, and therefore from the male in himself

For such a refusal, the child pays too high a price. In the soul of this betrayal, he will never forgive himself. And he will definitely punish himself for this with a broken fate, poor health, unluckiness in life. After all, living with this guilt is unbearable, even if it is not always realized. But this is the price of his survival.

To roughly feel what is happening in the child's soul, try to close your eyes and imagine the two people closest to you, for whom you can, without hesitation, give your life. And now all three of you, holding hands tightly, are in the mountains. But the mountain you were standing on suddenly collapsed. And it turned out that you miraculously stayed on the rock, and two of your dearest people hung over the abyss, holding your hands. The forces are running out and you realize that you cannot pull out two of them. Only one person can be saved. Who will you choose?

At this moment, mothers, as a rule, say: “No, it is better to die all together. It's horrible!"

Indeed, it would be easier this way, but the living conditions are such that the child has to make an impossible choice. And he does it. More often in the direction of mom. Imagine that you did let go of one person and drag out the other.

- How will you feel in relation to someone you could not save?

- Huge, incinerating guilt.

- And to the one for whom you did it?

- Hatred.

Rejection of the father - rejection of the masculine in oneself

Nature is wise - the theme of anger at the mother in childhood is strictly tabulated. This is justified, because mom not only gives life, she also supports it. After abandoning dad, mom remains the only person who can support in life.

Therefore, expressing your anger, you can cut the branch on which you are sitting. And then this anger turns to itself (auto-aggression). “I did it badly, I betrayed my dad, I didn’t do enough to … and I’m the only one. Mom is not to blame - she is a weak woman. And then problems with behavior, mental and physical health begin.

Masculine is much more than looking like your own father. The principle of the masculine is the law. Spirituality. Honour and dignity. A sense of proportion is an inner sense of relevance and timeliness. Social self-realization - work to your liking, a good material income, a career, are possible only if there is a positive image of a father in a person's soul

As wonderful as the mother is, only the father can initiate the adult part within the child. Even if the father himself did not manage to build a relationship with his own father. This is not so important for the initiation process.

You've probably met adults who are infantile and helpless like children? These are all those people who did not have access to their father.

They start a bunch of things at the same time, have a lot of projects, but they never finish one

Or those who are afraid to start a business, to be active in social self-realization

Or those who cannot say no

Or they do not keep the given word, it is difficult to rely on them for anything

Or those who constantly lie

Or those who are afraid to have their own point of view, agree with many things against their own will, "bending over" to the circumstances

Or, on the contrary, they behave defiantly, fight with the outside world, opposing themselves to other people, doing a lot in defiance, or even behaving illegally

Or those to whom life in society is given with great difficulty, "exorbitant prices", etc

It is only next to the father that a small child learns boundaries for the first time. Own boundaries and the boundaries of other people. The verge of what is permitted and what is not permitted. Its capabilities and abilities

Next to the father, the child feels how the law works. His strength. Relations with mom are built on a different principle: without borders - complete merger.

As an example, we can recall the behavior of Europeans - in Europe, the principles of the masculine are clearly expressed, and in Russia, the principles of the feminine are clearly expressed in Russia.

Europeans, no matter how small they find themselves in space, are intuitively placed in such a way that no one interferes with anyone, no one violates anyone's borders, and even if this is a space crowded with people, then everyone still has a place for their interests.

The Russians, on the contrary, unconsciously strive to fill the entire space with themselves. And there is no room left for anyone. Because they don't feel their own boundaries. Chaos begins. And this is exactly what the feminine is without the masculine.

It is in the male stream that dignity, honor, will, purposefulness, responsibility are formed - at all times highly valued human qualities.

In other words, children whom their mother did not allow to the paternal stream, consciously or unconsciously, will not be able to easily and naturally awaken in themselves a balanced, adult, responsible, logical, purposeful person - now they will have to make huge efforts.

Because psychologically they remained boys and girls, never becoming men and women.

Now for the mother's decision: to protect the child from the father, a person will pay an incredibly high price all his life. As if he had lost the blessing of life.

“If the wife respects the husband and the husband respects the wife, the children also feel respect for themselves. Whoever rejects a husband or wife rejects him or her in children. Children perceive this as a personal rejection.”- Bert Hellinger.

Boys

The father plays different but significant roles for the son and daughter. For a boy, the father is his gender identity, i.e. feeling like a man, not only physically, but also psychologically. The father is the homeland for the son, his "flock".

From the very beginning, a boy is born to a person of the opposite sex. Everything the boy comes into contact with in his mother is different in essence, different from himself. The woman experiences the same feeling. Therefore, it is wonderful when a mother can bestow her love on her son, filling her with a female stream, initiating female principles, and lovingly letting him go to his homeland - to his father.

By the way, only in this case can a son respect his mother and be sincerely grateful to her. From the moment of birth and until about three years old, the boy is in the field of influence of the mother. Those. he is imbued with the feminine: sensitivity and tenderness. The ability for close, trusting and long-term emotional relationships.

It is with the mother that the child learns empathy - feeling into the state of mind of another person. In communication with her, interest in other people awakens. The development of the emotional sphere is actively initiated, as well as intuition and creative abilities - they are also in the female zone.

If the mother was open in her love for the baby, then later, becoming an adult, such a man will be a caring husband, affectionate lover and loving father

Normally, after about three years, the mother lets her son go to his father. It's important to emphasize that she lets him go forever. Letting go means allowing the boy to be nourished by the masculine and to be a man. And for this process, it is not so important whether the father is alive, or died, maybe he has another family, or he is far away, or he has a difficult fate.

It also happens that there is no biological father and cannot be with the child. Then what matters here is what the mother feels in her soul for the child's father.

If a woman cannot agree with either his fate or with him, as the right father for her child, then the baby receives a lifelong ban on masculinity. And even the right environment in which he revolves will not be able to compensate him for this loss.

The child may be engaged in men's sports, the second husband of the mother may be a wonderful person and a courageous man, perhaps there is even a grandfather or an uncle who is ready to communicate with the child, but all this will remain on the surface as a form of behavior.

At heart, the child will never dare to violate the maternal prohibition. But if a woman still manages to accept the child's father in her heart, then the child will unconsciously feel that the male is good. Mother herself gave her blessing.

Now meeting men in his life: grandfather, friends, teachers, or a new mother's husband, the child will be able to feed himself with the male flow through them. Which he will take from his father.

The only thing that matters is what image the mother has in her soul about the child's father. A mother can admit a child to the paternal stream only on condition that in her heart she respects the child's father, or at least treats him well

If this does not happen, then it is useless to say to the husband: “Go play with the child. Go for a walk together,”etc., the father will not hear these words, just like the child. Only what is accepted by the soul has an impact.

Does the mother bless the father and the child for mutual love for each other? Does mom's heart fill with warmth when she sees how the child looks like her father? If the father is recognized, then now the baby will begin to actively fill with the male.

Now the development will go according to the male type, with all male characteristics, habits, preferences, and nuances. Those. now the boy will start to differ greatly from his mother’s female and will become more and more like father’s male. This is how men grow up with a pronounced masculinity.

Girls

With daughters, this process is somewhat different. The girl is also, up to about three years old, with her mother, feeding on the female.

In the region of three to four years, she passes under the influence of her father and remains in the field of his influence until about six to seven years. At this time, the male is actively initiated: will, purposefulness, logic, figurative thinking, memory, attention, hard work, responsibility, etc.

And most importantly, it was during this period that the understanding was laid that the girl differs from her dad in gender. That she looks like a mother and soon she will become as beautiful a woman as a mother. It is during this period that daughters adore their fathers. They actively show signs of attention and sympathy towards dad.

It's good if mom supports this, and dad can show his daughter that she is beautiful and that he loves her. In the future, it is this experience of communication with the most important man in life that will make her feel like an attractive woman.

Daughters, who were not admitted to their father at one time, psychologically remain girls, despite the fact that they have become adults a long time ago

After some time has passed, it is very important for dad to let his daughter go back to her mother - in a woman's dress, and for mom to accept her. This happens when the girl begins to feel that dad loves mom a little more than her, and that as a woman mom likes and suits dad more. It's a bitter parting with the best man, but incredibly healing.

Now the girl has initiated the principles of masculinity, which means she will be able to achieve a lot in life. But most importantly, she has a happy experience of being accepted and loved by a man. Returning to her mother, she will now be filled with femininity all her life. This power will give her the opportunity to find a good partner and start a family, give birth and raise healthy children.

What if the mother does not respect the child's father?

Usually, after such a discovery, mothers feel confused and full of contradictions. They all ask roughly the same questions:

“What if I not only don’t love the father of my child, I just hate him ?! There is nothing to even respect him for - a degraded man! Am I going to lie to the child that his father is a good man? Yes, I just say to the child: "Look at your father … I beg you, just do not be like him!" Or: "When I see my daughter frowning like her father, I want to kill both of them!"

If you look at it this way, anger and despair will appear. If, being in hatred of the child's father, you stop for only one minute and answer yourself only one question: "What feelings did I have for him when we just started dating, when I agreed to marry him?" Almost all women remember that they once loved their chosen ones, and their hearts were filled with joy and warmth.

In most cases, the child still appears due to this love. The love of a man and a woman for each other. The child is the fruit of this love. He owes this love and the fact that his mother once chose this man

If you have your own childhood memories, then for sure there will be found a childish feeling of bewilderment and misunderstanding of parental conflicts. After all, for a child, both parents are equally significant and equally beloved.

A woman very often mixes her paired relationship with her parents. It's unbearable for a child. The woman, as it were, says to her baby: "He is a bad partner for me, so he is a bad father for you."

These are two different things. The child should not be included in the particulars of the couple's relationship. Figuratively speaking, the door to the parental bedroom should remain closed for him forever. But as parents, these two people remain at his complete disposal. Those. a man as a partner and as a father of a child are two different people.

The child knows nothing about the father as a partner. And the woman does not know him as a father. Therefore, for a woman, he is only a partner, and for a child, only a father

A mother who cannot accept the father of her child cannot fully accept the child. Therefore, she cannot love him with unconditional love. In this case, the child loses access to both parents.

Now the relationship with my mother internally, mentally will be difficult. The child will either adapt and please the mother, while often getting sick, so the aggression towards the mother is "burned out", or the child will actively protest. But neither in the first nor in the second case there will be open love between mother and child.

By the way, people who do not love themselves, consider themselves ugly, do not accept their individuality, as well as those who are prone to excessive self-condemnation and condemnation of everyone and everything, these are those former children whose mother condemned and rejected their father in them

Now relations with oneself and life are built according to the principle learned in childhood.

But if a woman still has enough courage and love for a child, so as not to dump the burden of paired relationships on her child, to separate paired relationships from parental relationships in her soul, then the child will experience tremendous mental and physical relief.

Many children stop getting sick after the mental work done by their mother. Then, in spite of the fact that the parents have separated, or do not get along, the child will have enough strength in the future to live and continue life

Our ancestors knew such a pattern that if a woman knows how to respect her husband, her own and his parents, then the children in such families do not get sick, and their fates are successful.

The practice of working with children, adolescents and adults has shown that the strongest human pain that has long-term consequences is the pain of losing parents in one's soul. By the way, this very loss is often the cause of depression.

Therefore, to facilitate the child's life and his full recovery, it is not so much the physical presence of parents in the child's daily life that is important, as a kind and respectful attitude towards them in his own soul. As if the parents never left the child, but stand behind him. They stand like guardian angels. And so from the first to the last day of life.

It is no coincidence that of the ten commandments, only the fifth is accompanied by explanation and motivation: "Honor your father and your mother, so that you live happily ever after on earth." It is this knowledge that allows humanity to survive, while remaining spiritually and physically healthy.

After all, only when the heart is filled with reverence and gratitude to one's parents, at least for the priceless gift of life, can you boldly go forward.

Case from practice

I would like to tell you about one case that clearly illustrates the above. The mother and grandmother of a seven-year-old boy approached me. The child was in a very serious condition: in addition to incredible uncontrollable aggression, tantrums, constant anxiety, problems at school, nightmares, fears, there were even severe headaches and a painful feeling of goose bumps all over the body.

Mom and Dad divorced this boy a long time ago. The child remembered his father more from photographs. All his adult life he lived with his mother and grandmother. The child was a complete copy of his father. Both externally and in character, similarities were increasingly found.

The only thing that the boy heard about his father is that his parent is an incredible monster, his mother and grandmother did not skimp on epithets, and that, to their great grief, he is very similar to this monster. And now the child was faced with the task of overcoming the "evil" qualities and becoming a good person.

And at the reception in front of me was an absolutely wonderful child, moreover, with great creative abilities, but he talked about life as if he was seventy years old, no less. We all went to work together: mom, grandmother, boy and me. The first thing women did was drastically change family policy.

Mom began to tell her son about what good qualities his father possesses. About the good things that they had in the relationship. That she likes that her son is like his father. That he can be absolutely the same as dad.

Most importantly, the son is not responsible for their partnership. And regardless of the fact that they are divorced as a couple - as parents, they will remain forever together for him. And a son can love dad no less than mom. Some time later, the boy wrote a letter to dad. My son got his father's photo on his desk, and he began to carry another, small one with him to school.

Then additional holidays appeared in the family: father's birthday; the day when dad proposed to mom; when dad won the match. And most importantly, now, when my mother was looking at her son, she proudly said: "How do you look like your father!"

When our next meeting took place, my mother shared that she didn't have to lie at all - the ex-husband is really a multifaceted personality. But fantastic changes began to take place with my son: first, aggression disappeared, then - fears, pains; there were successes at school, the ill-fated creeps disappeared, the child became controllable. And came back to life again.

“I can’t believe it, does my father play such a role ?!”

Yes, each of us is a continuation and result of the merging of two streams of life: the mother's, and her kind, and the father's, and his kind. By agreeing with this in a child, accepting his fate as it is given to him, we give him a chance to grow. This is a parental blessing for Life.