2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Today my friend (single mother) said that at the training about money she was told to tell her six-year-old son about his father. I will not delve into the topics "your money - what does the baby's father have to do with it" and blind trust in experts and "specialists". I will express my opinion on how to talk to a baby about a father if the child does not have a father.
The topic, in my opinion, is relevant, since not only the number of divorces is growing, but also the number of initially incomplete families.
My friend's boy is smart, active and persistently looking for a father. Until now, she managed to get around this topic in conversation with him … Why? Because she can't say anything good to the child. The story is trivial: she gave birth to a married man. He chose to keep his marriage, the child was born without a father. The attitude of a woman who is lonely experiencing the hardships of raising a child towards the father of her baby is predictable. The set of epithets used for a former partner is not limited to the words: "scoundrel, traitor, narcissistic egoist." Some mothers manage to instill the same opinion about their fathers in their children.
Let's look back in time to see how we dealt with this situation in the past. One of the world's religions - Christianity - is based on the fact that not just God, but God the Father is present in it. Why did you need a family-style religion? If you delve into the words, you can see how the process of upbringing actually goes on: “The Son cannot do anything from Himself unless he sees the Father doing: for what He does, the Son does the same. For the Father loves the Son and shows Him everything that He Himself does. It is very clearly described that children are brought up not by words, but by the personal example of their parents.
In order for a child to grow up as a psychologically healthy person, it is important that he has
- feeling of security (safety),
- unconditional acceptance (love) and
- an authoritative role model (predetermined patterns of behavior),
- as well as suppression of socially unacceptable forms of behavior (punishment).
For a person, parents are always the most significant people, and the attitude towards them and with them determines the context of all life. At a certain stage of personality formation, the child's parents are perceived as gods: omnipotent know-it-alls. The parent's opinion is considered the only correct one. The destruction of the father's authority leads to the appearance of a person “without a king in his head” - in his way of life there is no rationality, morality, responsibility, self-control and discipline.
Therefore, for a chronically belligerent society in which men were absent for a long time, faith in the Father was needed. The father, who is always there, sees everything, from whose punishment it is impossible to hide. At the same time, he unconditionally loves and protects from all troubles. This has made it possible for many centuries to educate psychologically and morally healthy, personally mature people, even in single-parent families.
Let's not go into a religious dispute - is it true or fiction. I wanted to lead you to the idea that in order for a child to develop, it is necessary to create a father story. A story in which the father unconditionally loves and is a person endowed with all those qualities and behaviors that are important for you to bring up in your child. You need to tell the child about honesty, courage, strength and love using the example of a father. Tell the child that he himself is "the long-awaited fruit of the great love of his parents." And if the baby does not have the opportunity to communicate with his father, it makes sense to end the story with the fact that dad left far away to protect his baby from a big trouble (maybe he stands on the border between light and darkness, or maybe he already died in an unequal battle with a dragon …). And if the baby meets and communicates with the dad, then in every possible way to show respect for his former partner and maintain his authority in the eyes of the child. After all, respect for a person with whom you were in such a close relationship that a child was born is a manifestation of respect both for the child and for yourself in the first place.
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